Fool-proof antidepressant

This is it.... Once and for all depression can be abolished. I should have known all along. So simple, so easy. The most affordable cure that you will ever come across. Don't let the price deter you: this isn't a back woods home remedy that will do more harm than good... though it certainly can be used in the back woods too.

I have found that even if you have slipped and have started down the path to a bad day that this remedy will cure what ails you... if you let it. Why wait until you are already having a bad day though... start the day out right with this fast and easy cure.

Side effects are minimal. Some test subjects claimed that it caused an almost giddy happiness. There also seems to have been an almost impossible need to share this curative. There also seems to be some degree of addiction involved. However as there are no real drawbacks to the addiction it is not considered to be a dangerous problem.

What you ask can this new drug be and how do you get your hands on it? How much does a miracle like this cost in this day and age? It is free! That's right free! And the best part is that it is at your disposal, no it is easily with in your reach. We all have access to it!!!

Now you can barely contain yourself, the curiosity has you antsy. What could it be, you have this common place thing. It really can make you feel better. I promise that it will, or your money will be refunded. ( Gotcha)

All it is simply put is a smile. Something so simple so easy. I promise you that it will work. I have the best smiler in 100,000 miles and I am willing to share. Please see above for a free sample. If these pictures don't make you smile then you are hopeless. ( although for the record I don't believe that anyone is hopeless. : )

Enjoy! Pass it on... One smile from you can make another person's day... and when it has it will make your day! I Promise.

Baby Mine

Ask any one who knows me fairly well and they will tell you that my favorite movie genre is kids movies. Put on a video that is intended for a toddler while I am in the room and I am a goner. I have a fairly large collection of kids movies that were purchased long before I ever thought that I might need to keep a child occupied and they are watched frequently.

As a little girl these shows were a big deal... back then we didn't have it on video that we could pop in when ever we wanted so I had to catch them when they would play it on T.V. All of the shows had their special time of the year that they were on. Mary Poppins was always on Easter Sunday, so was the Wizard of Oz. My parents were really good about finding out when those shows were on and getting us sat down to watch them. Even when we didn't have a T.V. ( which we didn't get until I was in third grade) my dad would bring us over to Gramps and Granny's or my mother would bring us to Aunt Kathy's house. It was a treat to watch these shows and we would often make a night of it.

Knowing my love of cartoons combined with my love of animals and my need to root for the underdog... it should come as no surprise that Dumbo was one of my favorite shows in the world. I would giggle through the song sung by crows about how impossible it was for an elephant to fly. I would watch through my spread fingers as Dumbo would run to get to the top of the elepant pile... knowing that disaster was about to strike. I would watch enthralled by the color changes and images of Pink Elephants. I loved everything about that movie.

The thing about Dumbo is that it was a bittersweet movie to watch, much like Bambi or Fox and the Hound. There in the midst of this wonderful movie was a sadness that was difficult to watch. Like the death of Bambi's mother and the end of the friendship between Copper and Tod, it was hard to watch Mrs. Jumbo get in trouble for protecting her baby. It was near to impossible to watch as she rocked him while "Baby Mine " played. From a very young age that part of the movie impacted me greatly. I would watch it broken hearted for Dumbo, because I knew how I would feel if I lost my mommy. From the time that I understood the movie I fought tears at that part of the movie.

My mother and I talked once when I was a bit younger about that part of the movie agreeing about how hard that part of the movie was to watch. My mother said that she too had to fight tears at that part of the movie. I took the comment at face value, assuming that she experienced that scene in the same way that I did. I believed that she responded the same way that I did for the same reasons that I did. I am sure that she did at some point, but I know now that there was so much more to it.

The other night I was rocking my little girl late at night. We are having some teething issues so we often don't sleep very well right now. So there I was at three in the morning trying to coax her back to sleep and I started humming Baby Mine. As I was humming and rocking the most precious person that I have ever met in my life, for the first time in my life I realized the depth of that scene. I thought of that scene as a mother. I envisioned the tearing loss that Mrs. Jumbo felt being seperated from her little one and trying to comfort him in what small way that she can. Just contemplating such a forced seperation creates in me a desperation. My daughter is napping as I write this and my arms feel empty and ache to hold her.

I always expected that when I "Grew Up" that the effect that scene had on me would change. That the sadness would disappear, like the dread of Wendy having to grow up in Peter Pan did. Or there would come an understood acceptance of the honesty of the scene, as there is when Copper and Tod realize that their childhood friendship cannot carry over into adulthood. This one time however a children's movie effects me as profoundly as an adult as it ever did in my childhood years.

Strategic Battle won in the fight against Eczema!

Previously on Eczema War: ( cue up music with an undertone of dread)

Melissa and Dave fight valiantly to save their young daughter from the cruel grasp of the eczema that has taken over her skin. It was starting to look as if all of their struggle was for naught and that they would spend the rest of their lives slaves to the eczema and the exhausting conflict with the skin rash. A week ago Saturday they had gone into the doctor's office and been sent home with yet another prescription. This one so strong that Melissa's mother and Aunt ,both nurses, questioned the use of it on a baby so young. At the appointment Melissa and Dave asked the doctor to please refer them to a dermatologist or an allergist... The doctor agreed that Ashlynn was bad enough off that he would usually refer to a dermatologist at this point.... however because they are using Medicaid, due to Dave's part time status at work, there was not a dermatologist that would take the child. They were given instead a list of Doctors in Chicago to go to. This broke their hearts as their car is not in the condition to take the baby to Chicago and Dave does not get paid time off, again due to his part time status. (duh din duh) What are they to do : O

(cue up fast paced music with a hint of panic)

...Meanwhile Ashlynn continues to get worse. She is itching and in pain. She wakes every two or three hours in need of lotion and soothing. Mommy and Daddy are at their wits end.Last Wednesday she got so bad off that her eyes were swollen nearly shut. Melissa in desperation called the doctor he told her to use the cream on her eyes. Melissa confered with her mother and her aunt both who advised that was not such a good idea. Melissa looks on the internet: the medication in question is not supposed to be used on children at all let alone on their face. As a matter of fact it is not to be used on an adults face let alone the eyes. Melissa stands wringing her hands near to tears with frustration and worry.

Will the eczema win??? Is there a daring hero who can save this family?

(music steps up pace becomes frenzied and frantic)

... Melissa's mother calls a dermatologist that she has worked with in the area, and explained the situation. Alas, there is no way that the doctor can take the medicaid patient. Melissa's mother is more insistant telling her of the swollen eyes and the fact that the baby literally is covered head to toe in this rash, explaining about the cream that was prescribed .... there must be some help. The office help agast at the suggestion that this awful cream be used in the eyes works what magic she can. Ashlynn is fit in that day. She is able to see the doctor..... albeit at the out of pocket expence of mom and dad. Mom and dad willingly take on the expense and go to see this doctor.

(Music slows, becomes triumphant)

... A cream that is rated for pediatric use is prescribed and an oral antihistimine to stop the itching. Mom is told that it most likely has nothing to do with her diet and that we most likely won't find the reason until the baby is older, if at all. Mom is also told that we have to control the allergic reaction because the inflammation would move to her lungs if not. She is told to keep the baby from good and bad stress and to set up a schedule for her in order to keep from flaring up. Aquaphor ( which is what had been used for the last week) is the best thing and keep putting that on her. 100% cotton clothes and see the doc back in 3 weeks. We will see when we go back then.

( Music becomes happy resolution music, Smiles all around)

...SIGH! The baby slept most of that night (aside from usual feedings)... the rash was starting to look better by morning. The baby is a new person... or at least her old self come back. They call me mellow yellow.... quite right....SIGH!

Now 5 days later the baby's skin is back to baby skin. The red is gone and the pink is back. So pretty so beautiful. The doctors office has set up a payment plan for the 169.00 per visit. Melissa and Dave are grateful for the care of their daughter, and move forward with confidence that the right person is treating their daughter.

Life is Good! Stay tuned for more exciting developments in Eczema War!

A Daddy to be proud of!

I watch my husband and my daughter play together and all I can do is smile. Dave was understandably standoffish about her when I was pregnant. It is hard to get too excited about a pregnancy when you have a track record like ours. It wasn't until I was so huge that there was no question that we were going to have a big healthy baby that he got onto the excitement wagon. Who could blame him. With the miscarriage we had already gone and scoped out baby sections for a registry when I started having trouble at 8 weeks. We started getting excited with Aislynn when we made it through the first trimester. With Aidan we literally had a conversation about how we would stand together if we were to lose the baby. So you can see we were a little gun shy.

That is not to say that he wasn't a part of the pregnancy. He went with me to nearly every appointment that we had and there were alot. I counted them the other day and we had over 50 Dr.s appointments. He held my hand as we prayed that the cerclage would be enough to hold our little one where she needed to be, and he sat with me on the couch counting contractions on the nights when my uterus decided it was time to exercise a little. There is no question that we both spent the entire pregnancy waiting for the other shoe to fall. We then had a beautiful little girl and brought her home and again waited for the other shoe to fall. We had been disappointed so many time. We are breathing a little easier now, although we both check on her 50 times in a nap, and she sleeps with us in our bed. It is amazing that the child gets any sleep at all, though for all of our fears she seems to thrive.

There was a look in Dave's eyes though when our daughter was born that I will never in my life be able to forget. He watched them take her out of me and I watched him watch. I love everything about the man, but on that day I adored what I saw on his face. He watched his little one with awe and so much joy that it brings tears to remember. As the stay in the hospital progressed he fell more and more in love with his daughter. He would come to visit me and look for his little girl first. The day after she was born it took 45 minutes before he came over to give me a kiss hello. He was a goner. I knew he would be, but it sure was wonderful to watch. I thought that it was the best thing I had ever seen.

Then we got her home and I watched him care for her. But the real began when she started to smile and laugh. I think that Dave would happily stand on his head for a smile. When she makes it clear that what she wants is her Daddy, that look from the hospital comes back. When we snuggle together in bed holding hands over her head and she nuzzels into her Daddy he relaxes into happiness that I have seldom seen on him. She always manages to wiggle her way into her Daddy's arms at night finding a spot in his armpit that she marks as her own. Dave has started showering at night so that she doesn't stink in the morning. When we have a little bit of time in the morning and we all have a lie in and mommy and daddy watch as the little dumpling wakes up. She is one stretchy little baby. And just like her Daddy with every stretch there is a stinker. Stretch (fart) stretch (fart). It goes on indefinately with the two of them. He laughs and proudly proclaims "That's my Girl!"

With Dave going off to make the donuts everyday, he misses some of her firsts. On Wednesday she rolled over from tummy to back. A HUGE first. Dave was at work of course, and missed it. But Mommy gives him a running commentary when he gets home. Dave listens to every word as I tell him what we have done today: Little things like looks she gets on her face that crack me up. Funny things like when she sneezed at the same time that she spit up so that it was all over my face and hair and dripping from my glasses. Gross things like when she had a cold and coughed while she was pooping. It came out of every single opening in her diaper all at once. (Thinking about it that is kind of funny. For the record it was very not funny when it happend to me.) Play things like her sit up routine where I go "One Two Three" and at three she flexes all of her tummy muscles and her face turns red. These are the fun things that make being home with her the best job in the world. These are the things that you regret that you were at work for. ( Except that poop thing! I would have gladly been told the story about it.) So I tell him and he looks at his daughter and talks to her about it. A part of it all still.

For all that working though, he makes up his time when he is with her. He coaxes smiles and wins laughs from her. He goos her up with lotion to avoid the exzema. And he is a very gifted baby putter-to -sleeper. She adore him... he adores her. He is a daddy in a million. Now if we can just get him to change that diaper.

parting is such sweet sorrow

I am starting to sort through Ashlynn's clothes. Culling out the stuff that is too small and adding in the new things that we had not gotten to yet. She is no longer a member of the 0-3 month crowd. There are a few outfits that are 3 month that she fits into. We are now headed into the 3-6 month crowd. As I pull out the outfits that she has worn for the last 13 weeks that no longer fit her... there is a pull on my heart that feels almost melancholy. In the relatively few weeks that we have had Ashlynn a whole trunkful of memories have been made. These outfits have been the attire that the memories wear. Granted as I pull out the 3-6 months I am excited by the new clothes that she can wear... but still I look back at the teeny little tops and the petite little pants and my heart sighs.

I love watching my little girl grow. I revel in knowing that she has gained weight again. ( we went to the doc for her face on Sat 14 lbs flat! Yay!) I adore holding her up and mentioning how big she has gotten... it is a badge of honor almost. "Yes yes she gained another pound this month." "Oh yes my breast milk certainly does seem to be doing the trick." It is exciting to see the new changes that occur every single day. I am in heaven! But then I look at a little top from when she came home and compare it to her. Like Zoinks Scooby, where did my newborn go. I sort of miss the early days when she fit perfectly in my neck and would sleep there for hours. I cherish every smile and hold every laugh dear, I try to live in the minute.... I even sometimes wish that we could fast forward to when she can tell me where it hurts. What I never expected was to wish that I could go back a few weeks.

Now I remember enough about the early weeks to not want all of it back. I would love to have my cuddly little handful back for an hour or so with out the 5 a day poops ( ain't it grand when that slows down!) or the pitfalls of beginning nursing, or the three hour nights of sleep. I have made it through these things and am glad that they are behind me. I was not so sleep deprived in the first weeks that I have idealised it all. Oh yes I remember clearly the first couple of weeks and the certainty that I NEVER WANTED TO DO THIS AGAIN while going through it! I love my daughter, but I have had my moments, just like everyone else, where I've been positive that she would be an only child. Truly who wants to go through it all again. But there is something about how your own newborn cuddles into JUST you that will cannot be compared to anything else in the world.

I have always said that I didn't want a newborn... take me straight to toddlerhood. I have held other's babies and handed them back with out a hitch thinking "Yep its a baby! Don't really want to go through that stage myself. To bad ya gotta to have a kid." Those others would tell me... its different when it is your own you'll see. And I would chuckle at their certainty when I knew me so much better. Then I had my own. I had this 8 lb bundle of heaven that I could barely put down. I could hold her for hours and never get tired of it. I loved her tiny little newborn sounds. I held my breath when she would have the newborn breathing hitches. I gazed adoringly at her teeny newborn hands and feet and could do so happily for hours on end. I fell so in love that I could barely contain it with in my own heart. So here I am three months later, still awed by my child and more in love than ever, looking back and sighing with just a hint of regret that it is all over.

Yes, yes I can hear the chuckles now of the people who have children much much older than mine. I can only imagine that those moments will follow me the rest of my life. As she reaches toddler-hood I will long for the infant days when she learns the word "No" As she rides a bike I will sigh about the day that she first learned to walk. And lets not even look to the day she asks me for the car keys. All things to look forward to... all things to remember with a hint of bittersweet when they are but a memory.

So as I cull out the old clothes and look at the new clothes I know that I will have many many days like this one. I know that I will have more memories than I can count to store in my bank. I also know that I have to enjoy every single millisecond with my daughter. I have to live in the moment and do it well so that I have a treasure trove of memories worth holding on to. So when she grins at me with out her two front teeth I can remember when they first came in and maybe share that memory with her. And won't the sharing of those memories make them all the more poignant

How big is a mountain?

I have learned many things over the past few months...

...that it is possible to love so much that it hurts. I swear it physically hurts. But oh what a wonderful hurt. She takes my breath away. And when I see her with Dave, I wonder sometimes if I will ever be able to get my breath back.

...that there are few things in the world that are as thrilling as a toothless smile... unless you count the sound that accompanies it... not quite a laugh but so close that you can't mistake it for anything else.

...that just when you think that your heart is as full as it can possibly get... there is something more that fills it past the capacity that you thought it had... and that this happens over and over again.

Perhaps the most important lesson that I have learned over the last few months though, is just how much my parents love me.

I have never doubted that they love me. Never for a moment. In a world where every one has "issues" that need to be dealt with, it has become a fad to come from a "dysfunctional family." My family has many dysfunctions to be sure... but lack of love or doubt of love has NEVER been one. I suppose that makes myself and my brothers the lucky ones. In the absolute certainty of the unconditional love sent my way, though I never stopped to think about the magnitude of that love. It never occurred to me to think about it. And why would it? That love has always been there surrounding and enveloping me, keeping me safe and secure. I have never known a moment when that love wasn't there. I have never spent a second wondering if there would be hands there to catch me if I needed it.

When my daughter was born the first few hours I looked at her and all I could think was "Who are you?" It wasn't immediate like in the novels. It took me awhile. Then about 10 hours after she was born when she was first at my breast it hit me. I sat there with my child suckling me in my hospital room just the two of us crying my eyes out: This was what I had been waiting for. What I never expected was that the next day it got bigger, and the next day bigger still. Seeming to double every day, until sometimes it feels like it will explode out of me.

It took having her, though, to know the expanse of that love. Its like half-lives in the opposite direction. The exponential growth of what I feel for my daughter is something that must be experienced to understand. I am powerless to describe it, because there are not words for it. It is like describing the vastness of the ocean to a someone who has never seen it, or the enormity of the mountains to someone who has only ever seen the plains. When it all wells up inside and is ready to spill out onto the floor the simple words... "I love you" seem empty. I have always thought how absurd it is to use words when I am trying to express to tell my husband that he is my life, my all, the very core of my heart. And here now I am faced with the same problem with my daughter: What to say, when words could never do justice to what I feel. It is like trying to catch smoke in your fingers.

It struck me shortly after she was born, that I don't have the words to tell her how much I love her. I will always be tongue-tied when it comes to this subject. So I will fumble through hoping that I can show her the sheer volume of love I have for her. Hoping that she will be able to grasp it, knowing she won't, because I didn't. I have been cared for in every way by my parents. They have stood beside me through every single storm that I have had to weather. I know that they loved me, like I know that the sky is blue or that God is watching... I just know. But then I look at Ashlynn and feel the clunkiness of the words "I Love you", and it floors me: I have been loved that way. I still am loved that way. But it took having my own child to truly grasp the enormity of it. If the trend of exponential growth continues for much longer then there is one more thing I know; I am TOTALLY clueless.

the fight against eczema gets personal

So as you all know we are fighting a continual battle with eczema. Once a week or so Ashlynn's face breaks out and turns fire engine red. The next step we reach is the scabby yellow weepy stage that marks up all of her outfits. Then while her face is raw and weepy all manner of dirt sticks to it... so we end up with patches of dirt that become a part of the skin. The doctor prescribed some 2.5% hydrocortizone cream for her face, and it helps. The problem is that it can cause peeling and loss of pigmentation etc. So I am to take a break from it for the same number of days that I use it. Well I started out with a 5 days on 5 days off regime. I thought that would give it ample time to clear up what had become a terrible case of eczema. Boy howdy did it work. Five days of using that stuff and you could forget that she had skin problems. The trouble came when we took five days off. Her face was getting icky the first day off. Not even a full days break. It got awful. Dave put it best when he said that it felt like we were guilty of neglect on day 3 1/2 off. So we gave up on the 5 days and started a one day off one day on regime.

The problem is that we never really get to the point where her skin clears up well. And by the time we use the cream again it is just in the nick of time to keep from getting too deep into the weepy stage. So treating the symptom is barely working, that means that we should treat the cause. But that is easier said than done. There are no perfumes in any of the products that are used by everyone in our house now. I do not put lotion on that has a scent. We have gotten every cream and lotion that we can imagine to put on her to treat dry skin. We have a humidifier going 24 hours a day.... and have even taken to boiling water on the stove for the moisture. I have removed most all of the know problem foods from my own diet, in case it is an allergy through the food. We have now started giving her sponge baths and with just water, as every soap in the world has caused trouble. I pump and bottle feed when her face is at its worst to keep irritation to a minimum.

Truly it feels like we are fighting a losing battle, as she is covered in the scaley eczema from her elbows to her fingertips, her hips to ankles, her head an neck and all along her chest now. There are few places on my daughters body that are not dry and irritated, and touching her in many places seems like it causes pain. She is in pain and itches. This we can tell by the way that she rubs her face on every thing in reach, or by the way that she moves her head repeatedly back and forth on blankets. We have put socks on her hands because even in her sleep she will rub her face and head with her hands, though to be frank I am not sure that the socks make it better. At least her nails are not cutting her any more. It has become personal this fight with the eczema. I would do anything to keep her from the pain that this causes. Although I seem to be falling behind in the fight.

In sheer desperation last week Dave covered her in olive oil. My Granny had told us how it was the only thing that had helped my uncle Doug's cradle cap. So Dave thought what the hell, how can it hurt. Well it didn't hurt at all.... in fact on her legs and arms it seems to help quite a bit. The only thing is that you have to put it on all the time. We oil her up with every single diaper change and when we think of it in between. Our daughter glistens like she is trying to get a sun tan constantly. Only it doesn't seem to help on the face. Not only that but the olive oil has destroyed several tops for both Dave and I. Not to mention I was shopping today.... and I was wondering what that smell was several times.... when it hit me it was olive oil that Ashlynn had wiped on me. So our miracle cure is imperfect at best.

We are still at the drawing board with this one. And the fight is still very personal. I can handle all of her pictures being red and blotchy. I can handle all of her outfits destroyed by the weepy face or the olive oil. What I cannot handle is the look I see in my baby's eyes when her face hurts and I know that I as of yet don't have the answer. But I will find the cause and I will irradicate it.