I broke down and did it today. I let my baby "cry it out" rather than trying to coax her into sleep. NEVER AGAIN! I sat at the computer riddled with guilt listening to her cry, needing almost physical restraint to keep myself from going to her. Twenty minutes later just as I was about to give it up she fell asleep exhausted from crying. So here I am after she has fallen asleep wondering what makes that an excepted way of putting a child down for a nap. I am officially stressed and we won't even go into the guilt level that I have.
A is not an easy napper. She has a tendency to cat nap. Waking after 45 minutes not willing to be coaxed back to sleep. That would be fine if it weren't for the fact that she is grumpy quickly after a catnap and we are back to trying to take a nap. In essence I am then trying to put her down for a nap all day long. There are two tried and trues: If I lay down with her and going for a ride. I don't have to lay with her for the entire time just long enough that she is deeply asleep. That is the key though she has to be deeply asleep and that takes a while sometimes. I have done things like taking a book in or my latest needlework project, but the bed isn't terribly comfortable for sitting. Not to mention the little demons in my head get to telling me about all of the house work that I haven't gotten done. With the price of gas ( and the fact that we are a one car family) going for a ride is neither prudent nor at times possible. So we are left with mommy bedding down with A.
I went to the Internet for inspiration, guidance, help, perhaps just commiseration. All of the websites seems to repeat over and over that you should just let them cry it out and that it will be a done deal in a couple of days, weeks at the most. So today I thought that I would try it. I sat for twenty minutes trying not to feel like the worst mother in the world as my dear one cried brokenheartedly, or at least it seemed that way to me. Just as I was about to give in and run to her begging for her forgiveness she fell asleep. But she was so exhausted that rather than looking like a sleeping angel, she appeared to have gone through a war. Her face was red and blotchy and her breath kept hitching like she was still thinking about crying. Egad! What Had I done to my child. Granted my time is a little constrained and nap time would be the perfect opportunity to get a few things done... but at what cost. Not to mention once she is deeply asleep I can get up if I want to. When I nurse her down and lay with her she looks truly at peace. My only worry is that on my bed I have to place pillows around her to ensure she doesn't roll off... but I check on her constantly, so she has no time to get into any trouble.
Here's the thing. I have worked for 5 months ( tomorrow) to convince that little angel that I will answer when she calls. I have jumped to her every need as fast as I can. It hardly seems fair to wean her off of that idea as soon as it has been fully established. That is not to say that I can't take a moment or two to go to the bathroom, but "crying it out" for 15-20 minutes seems cruel. Especially when you are the one listening to the cries. And what does it cost me as a mommy when I lay down with her. About 30-45 minutes. A few more than what it took to have her cry it out, and they are far more pleasurable. Not to mention what type of association do I want my daughter to have with nap time: abandonment or security.
No, I will never again leave my little girl to cry it out. I feel wretched that I did so to begin with. And while I recognize that many are not given the option, I have it. My husband and I are making great sacrifices so that I can stay at home with our daughter for at least the first year. I am going to make those sacrifices worth it. The dishes could get done if I weren't in the bed with my daughter... but I'll tell you a secret: they didn't get done anyways as I sat on my hands trying to keep myself from running to her. This way at least I have a solid excuse for the dishes not getting done, at least one a little better than I was under emotional duress.... that one sounds hollow even to me.
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