I have officially finished my first week of work. I have worked 3 days since Monday for 4 hours except for the first which was 3. Slowly but surely our household is adapting. A still has issues with me being gone, but over all we are getting the hang of it. We still spend the afternoons after I work attached at the hip ( well my hip her front =) Although I am not sure that it is much different from the days that I am home all day. A has moved into a separation anxiety that is pretty impressive. I am not allowed out of her sight with out fussiness no matter who is still with her. D is a little put out by it I think, as she is not quite so vocal about his leaving. However she is so excited when he gets back that it soothes those ruffled feathers some.
I have read that separation anxiety is a perfectly natural thing at A's age and that it just shows that she is going through the regular progression of becoming a toddler. It is heartbreaking however when she starts to cry or that little bottom lip pokes out and tears well in her eyes. I have worked so hard to take care of her every need and want for so long that not being able to give into this "need" of hers is very hard. I am sure though that it is good for her to learn not only that mommy sometimes MUST leave, and that she will come back.
D is enjoying the one on one time with A. He has said this week that he is glad that I am working so that he can make sure that A has some daddy time. I guess to an extent I have been monopolizing the care of the baby. Mostly because I have been with her all the time and so it was natural for me to just take care of the needs... Also though I think it has been easy for him to just let me take care of it all, because he certainly doesn't jump up to take care of a need before I can do so :) So I guess that we have fallen into a pattern and my working now shakes that up a little. It is good I am sure for all of us.
There is another side effect of me working that I am enjoying. There is a sense of pride that I haven't felt for a time. There are people who I interact with now that see me for ME.... not mommy, not wife, not daughter.... Me the person that I am outside of all the roles that I play. It is exciting, exhilarating. It isn't as if the people around me look at me and pigeon hole me. I am much more to D than just wife. ( although to A I am really JUST mom and as of yet there isn't much room for more with her : ) The thing is that I have started to feel pigeon holed all the same. At work there are people there who see me for me. I am only a mom to them if I choose to share it. Oddly enough I do share it, but I also share book I've read, jokes, and so much more. It helps to round me out as a person. Having found a job that is so willing to work with me keeping my hours down and when I need them is exciting. I have the best of both worlds. I can work and still be for the most part a stay at home mom. The 12 hours I worked this week and the 4 I am scheduled for next will get me out of the house a little, add a small amount of extra cash, give me a little Independence, and it will still allow me to be the mommy that I need to be to my little one. I am on top of the world.
I have to admit though.... no matter how few hours I work there comes a time.... when I miss her so much I want to go home RIGHT NOW! There are moments when I am working that I wonder what the HELL I am thinking.... my little girl is at home and I am out working. It matters little that she is at home with her daddy, and that after the initial cry that she didn't really miss me. I believe that women are hard wired to feel guilt the second that they become mothers... Maybe it is the mommy hormones because I have never felt the guilt like I do now as a mommy. Funny thing is that I also felt guilty when I wasn't working for different reasons. ( If I was working we could get such and such, blah blah blah) I guess that I am just going to have to learn to live with my guilt complex and know that one way or another I am never going to do anything that would seriously hurt my little one. Life can be so complicated.
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