So I was reading the last few blogs and I have realized that I don't care for the tenor of said blogs. You see while I have a few challenges in my life I am not one that wants to focus on them for any great length. So I apologize.... even though it does feel good sometimes to get things off of my chest just like any other human on the face of the earth. I also don't in any way want to convey the thought that I am not enjoying motherhood... or that I am not excited about the new one to come. Both of those things could not possibly be further from the truth.
I LOVE motherhood. I mean like crazy deep love. The kind that no one can really explain we just know that it is there. I especially love being A's mother. She is smart and she is beautiful and she is my princess! Everything a mommy could possibly want in the world plus more than I thought that I could want all rolled into the cutest little package that somehow keeps getting cuter... explain that one to me.
I am also very excited about impending motherhood again. I've had my ups and downs about it. I have even cried tears about it... I have no idea how Dave and I are going to support a family of four... we are having a hard time with a family of three. There will have to be changes... I may have to go to work. Dave may have to get a different job. There are all kinds of things that still need to be ironed out. That if absolute... but the other day I went to the doctor and I cried a different kind of tears. You see the other day I heard his heartbeat for the first time. ( Yes I am convinced this will be a boy... no I won't be disappointed as long as he/she is healthy) It was a craps shoot to even try and as the midwife was trying she was warning me that it is really way too early and not to worry if we can't hear it. You see by doppler the earliest that you can hear usually is 10 weeks. I have yet to hit that point I am 9 weeks and a few days ( 2 days when we tried.) So we tried on the off chance that we would get to hear our little booger. We had already done an ultrasound so we knew he was there and fine. For a bit all we could hear was mine slow and steady... but then shuushh shuushh shuusshh There he was at roughly 130 beats per minute though it was hard to measure because of mine getting in the way. So there our little nugget was safe inside of mom with his little heart beating away. Paula was SHOCKED. She told me that it is a really good sign to have such a strong heartbeat so early. It says a lot that it was strong enough to be audible. So we have a few ( three and a few days) weeks left until I get a cerclage and then three weeks after that we start 17-P and from there well we keep our fingers crossed because it worked once before.
For the record my Dave is really really excited that we are having another so close to A. He told me that he really likes the idea of the kids being so close together so that they can be good friends. He said that he wished he could have been closer in age to his siblings so that he could have had that built in friendship growing up. I hated to burst his bubble but when Shawn and I weren't best friends ( the frequency of which varied from age to age) we were worst enemies. You see I have been with Dave for 8 years and he has made me mad a few times seeing red blistering hot mad... but no one and I mean no one on God's green earth has ever managed to make me as mad as my brother Shawn has a few times. Once he literally got me so mad that I jumped up and down screaming at him and completely forgot about the sprained ankle that I was still on crutches for. When the pain hit me like a ton of bricks I think Shawn would have done anything in this world to keep me from telling my parents that it was his fault... which of course it wasn't I was the one doing the jumping... but don't think I didn't have him hopping for the rest of the day.
There are a lot of reservations that I have about having another child, aside from the financial issues. I am so torn... because my little girl deserves all of her mama for a little while longer doesn't she. Isn't it better to have waited a bit and focused on her for a time longer? Wouldn't it be better for her to have waited so that she can nurse unhindered until she is ready to wean? Is she going to be able to make the transition easily to being an older sister? Are her feelings going to be hurt when mommy and daddy have another baby to love and care for? There is even the question of what if I like her better than him? Can I love them both? Stupid questions I know. I watch my parents with their three kids and I know that we are all loved intensely if some what differently. The relationship between myself and my mother is vastly different say than it is with either of my brothers. Not just because I was a girl, but because I am a different person. Those differences make for a richer and more dynamic family unit. There is the part of me that is so excited that my little girl is going to have the chance to have a brother or sister that she will be able to interact with. She is one of many being the fifth of Dave's children and the third of mine, but we don't ever see two and two others passed away. This will be a living breathing brother or sister that she will grow up with, and that can't be a bad thing.
I guess what I have been trying to say is that this pregnancy is fraught with questions and perhaps even a little bit of turmoil. There are a million questions and as per usual the universe is playing the hand close. I am constantly looking for answers and none are forth coming. So I feel like I am sailing with out a compass at times. But truly there is little time to ponder such things because my pride and joy my reason for being has woken from her nap and there are much better things that I must do. Like read the same book the millionth time, when your arms are full of perfect it really doesn't seem to matter how many times you've read the book.