When I posted my last blog update I was a little out of sorts.... and I apologize for the rot I spewed all over you guys... but I guess sometimes you have to get it off of your chest. I am a hormonal soon to be mother of two and there are times that gets the better of me. Just be glad that you aren't living with me... Poor Dave, Ash, Abigail, and Akari get the worst of it. I guess the thing is that I have fallen into an unexpected love. I never knew how it would turn out when I was pregnant with Ash. I knew I wanted to nurse for at least the first year of her life. I knew I wanted to try it more than anything. I was aware that it was the best thing that I could do for my child and I was determined that I would give it as much as I could.
It wasn't easy starting out. I had a c-section and I am a diabetic... two things that are a strike against me. Also I had the worlds most discouraging breast feeding consultant in the hospital... and Ash's Doc is not a real big breast feed your baby kind of guy. It was an uphill path for the two of us. You add into that the sore nipples and awkwardness that starts out breastfeeding and I was gritting my teeth for the first two months but still determined somehow to make it all work for us.
And then something changed and it all became much easier. My daughter caught on to the work she was supposed to do... I found a comfortable position to feed her in... and we started looking at each other when she nursed instead of fighting to figure it out. MAGIC HAPPENED! Both of us were enthralled with each other and nursing. My angels eyes would roll back into her head with pleasure when the milk would let down, she would pop off of the breast when full with the most satisfied punch drunk look you could ever imagine and milk would roll down her cheek and she was just happy. THIS is what breast feeding is about I would think. Both Ash and I fell in love with it. LOVE full out italian mama's open armed love. We would lay in the bed after a nursing session and just cuddle and coo at each other. Speaking a language that no one but us knew or understood. She would tuck her head into my bare breast and sleep with her face pressed into me content knowing that I was there and so was her milk supply and we were happy. So blessedly happy.
Nursing is more than just the physical act of providing sustenance to your child... and I believe that MOST women who do nurse their children feel the same way. There is something almost mystical about nursing your child that defies the explanations that I try so hard to come up with. It is an act of bonding and it is the ultimate offering of love from one to the other. It produces a feeling of well-being and relaxation that is nearly intoxicating for both the mother and the child... and once you have felt that feeling you want it to continue. Breast feeding creates a mother child bond that is forged to be unbreakable and it makes all difficulties that may come with it seem inconsequential. So you smell like milk all the time... so your breasts seem much larger than they were.... so you have to be careful of the clothes you choose... so you cannot be too far from your child. There are a million little annoyances that go along with nursing your child, but all of these things pale to nothing when your arms are full of your child and you are sharing your essence with that child. There is NOTHING more magical.
So we are weaning. Not by choice... but by necessity and so be it. When the new baby is born Ash may start nursing again. A lot of kids do when they see a new sibling nursing, If she wants to she will not be turned away. She may decide that she is a big girl and will not return to nursing. So be it if that is how it works. But it is with a great sadness in my heart that I do wean her. It feels like a chapter that is closing. A friend of mine urged me to remember that rather than letting Ash down I am preparing for the new baby. It helps to remind myself of that. So I try to remember that and day by day it gets easier for both of us.
I will leave you today with a quote from Selma Hayek on breastfeeding that I appreciate.

" I'm like an alcoholic. It's like I don't care if I cry, I don't care if I'm fat, I'm just gonna do it for one more week , one more month, and then I see how much good it is doing her, and I can't stop. It is a very powerful thing you know."
Yes Selma I do know and I agree wholeheartedly.