to nap or not to nap

I broke down and did it today. I let my baby "cry it out" rather than trying to coax her into sleep. NEVER AGAIN! I sat at the computer riddled with guilt listening to her cry, needing almost physical restraint to keep myself from going to her. Twenty minutes later just as I was about to give it up she fell asleep exhausted from crying. So here I am after she has fallen asleep wondering what makes that an excepted way of putting a child down for a nap. I am officially stressed and we won't even go into the guilt level that I have.

A is not an easy napper. She has a tendency to cat nap. Waking after 45 minutes not willing to be coaxed back to sleep. That would be fine if it weren't for the fact that she is grumpy quickly after a catnap and we are back to trying to take a nap. In essence I am then trying to put her down for a nap all day long. There are two tried and trues: If I lay down with her and going for a ride. I don't have to lay with her for the entire time just long enough that she is deeply asleep. That is the key though she has to be deeply asleep and that takes a while sometimes. I have done things like taking a book in or my latest needlework project, but the bed isn't terribly comfortable for sitting. Not to mention the little demons in my head get to telling me about all of the house work that I haven't gotten done. With the price of gas ( and the fact that we are a one car family) going for a ride is neither prudent nor at times possible. So we are left with mommy bedding down with A.

I went to the Internet for inspiration, guidance, help, perhaps just commiseration. All of the websites seems to repeat over and over that you should just let them cry it out and that it will be a done deal in a couple of days, weeks at the most. So today I thought that I would try it. I sat for twenty minutes trying not to feel like the worst mother in the world as my dear one cried brokenheartedly, or at least it seemed that way to me. Just as I was about to give in and run to her begging for her forgiveness she fell asleep. But she was so exhausted that rather than looking like a sleeping angel, she appeared to have gone through a war. Her face was red and blotchy and her breath kept hitching like she was still thinking about crying. Egad! What Had I done to my child. Granted my time is a little constrained and nap time would be the perfect opportunity to get a few things done... but at what cost. Not to mention once she is deeply asleep I can get up if I want to. When I nurse her down and lay with her she looks truly at peace. My only worry is that on my bed I have to place pillows around her to ensure she doesn't roll off... but I check on her constantly, so she has no time to get into any trouble.

Here's the thing. I have worked for 5 months ( tomorrow) to convince that little angel that I will answer when she calls. I have jumped to her every need as fast as I can. It hardly seems fair to wean her off of that idea as soon as it has been fully established. That is not to say that I can't take a moment or two to go to the bathroom, but "crying it out" for 15-20 minutes seems cruel. Especially when you are the one listening to the cries. And what does it cost me as a mommy when I lay down with her. About 30-45 minutes. A few more than what it took to have her cry it out, and they are far more pleasurable. Not to mention what type of association do I want my daughter to have with nap time: abandonment or security.

No, I will never again leave my little girl to cry it out. I feel wretched that I did so to begin with. And while I recognize that many are not given the option, I have it. My husband and I are making great sacrifices so that I can stay at home with our daughter for at least the first year. I am going to make those sacrifices worth it. The dishes could get done if I weren't in the bed with my daughter... but I'll tell you a secret: they didn't get done anyways as I sat on my hands trying to keep myself from running to her. This way at least I have a solid excuse for the dishes not getting done, at least one a little better than I was under emotional duress.... that one sounds hollow even to me.

Hey ma watch me grow!

Our little angel turned 21 weeks old today. In the 21 weeks that she has been here she has doubled her weight and added 6 inches in height. Gone is the fragile looking little scrunched up package we brought home from the hospital that I could hold for hours without noticing the weight. In her place is a sturdy infant who always has her hands stretched out towards the world and weighs enough to cause a perpetual back ache for Mom.

I'll be honest I miss the newborn sometimes. I miss holding my cuddly girl who snuggled perfectly into my neck, and would happily spend hours there asleep. Now though I get to hold a wriggly girl who won't sit still on my lap for longer than a few minutes. I miss the quiet time where we could spend an hour just looking at each other. Now, though I get to watch as she spends hours looking at the world around her and reaches out to take an active part in it. I miss the tiny little mews that she would make while she was sleeping. Now I get to hear as she mimics the sounds of the world around her and rewards me with a laugh and a grin or chastises me with a holler or squeal.

For every thing that I look back on fondly there is something new and wonderful to take its place. I would not trade my wriggly little girl who is stretching towards the world to keep my snuggly little girl whose entire world comprised of me. Soon, I will loose that little girl on the world and watch her first toddling steps turn into a run. I will not stay those running feet, no matter how much I will want to hold on to her. I will instead let go and rejoice in the progress that she has made. My job as a parent is to help my daughter to push her limits and by doing so expand her horizons, and I take my job very seriously. Hopefully I will be able to teach her that when she runs into a wall she needs only to find a way over or around the wall and her world will be bigger for it. Every day she has a new and different skill, and with each new skill my little girl changes. Each change leaves something behind. So I watch with delight as she learns new things, even as I sigh every now and then missing what is now memory.

20 weeks

20 weeks. When you say it that way it sounds like so little time. But when I look back, it is as if she has been with us for ever. 20 weeks half of the time that I was pregnant with her. So much has changed in those few weeks. So many things learned. In 20 weeks I have learned the real meaning of TRUE LOVE. I have watched with my husband, who is as star-struck as I am, as my daughter has learned to smile and hold her head up. I have heard her first laugh and laughed with her as I cried. I have smelled her head a million and a half times and I have kissed her little head a billion times. I have thanked God more times than there is a number for. I have learned to appreciate that I am one of the most blessed people in this world. I have cried more happy tears than sad tears. I have become more certain that I can handle motherhood... at the same time wondering how I am going to survive it. I have learned what happiness is, what contentment is. I have watched my relationship with my husband grow deeper than I had thought possible. 20 weeks: so few... so many.

I learned the value of 20 weeks once before. I learned as I sat in a hospital praying at 20 weeks pregnant that I wanted 20 more. I learned that 20 weeks is not so very long at the heart of it. I cried tears of sadness that still mark my soul. I delivered Aislynn at 23 weeks. I held her for 15 short minutes in the 2 days that she lived. I delivered Aidan at 20 weeks. He was held for his entire life by someone who loved him dearly. I wanted 20 more weeks for both of them. I prayed for it. I learned what 20 weeks can mean. After we lost our little ones my soul felt forever barren. I wasn't sure that I would recover. I was lost. 20 weeks after I lost my little boy... I got pregnant with my little girl. 20 long weeks. 20 short weeks.

I have been blessed in a way that many others in this world haven't. Having learned the value of 20 weeks, I have been conscious of the passing of each and every one of those weeks. My daughter reaps the benefits of my previous lessons. I have lived every day of these 20 weeks with my little girl sweeping everything else aside to rejoice in her. We have gloried together in this new and different world that she has come to. She has helped me to slow it all down and take it all in. She has taught me to stop worrying about the dishes and take a minute to play. She has shown me that 20 weeks is long enough to fall madly in love. 20 exhilarating weeks. 20 glorious weeks.

Calgon Take Me Away!!!

I love every thing about being a mother. I love everything about being A's mother specifically. I love everything about being a wife, in particular D's Wife. But in the 19 weeks that I have been a mother and the 2 1/2 years that I have been a wife I have come to terms with something that I think every wife and mother does eventually: I have no time for ME! My mother nodded knowingly when I mentioned it and said " It doesn't get any better any time soon honey... but at least soon it becomes a part of you and is what makes you happy." In talking it over with my Granny she said " I have not ever been bored for a single second since my first child was born. As a matter of fact I have learned how to truly appreciate every single second of relaxation I have gotten." ... sigh... I guess I was looking for something a little more like " Oh it gets better you will have plenty of time for yourself when she is a little older."
I adore my daughter... She has the best smile that I have ever seen on a human being PERIOD. She laughs and squeals with excitement and makes me smile and laugh and thoroughly enjoy each and every second of my time with her. I can't say that I have moments to sit around and huff about how I don't have anything to do. As a matter of fact, I can't seem to get it all done. I have always prided myself on my organizational skills. I have always managed to fit it all in somehow. Multi-tasking was my middle name. But now it seems that I can't seem to balance all of the balls in the air anymore. If I manage to be the mommy that I need to be and the keep the house in order than I have zero time for myself and feel totally stressed with in a week. If I take some time for myself to read a few pages of a book or sit quietly and stare at a wall than something else falls apart. Either I am ignoring my child ( or I feel like I am) or my house is falling apart at the seems. I drop the ball somewhere no matter how hard I try. And I am a housewife. I would be a complete basket case if I had to work outside of the house too.
I long sometimes to go back... for just an hour or two.... to the days when I was single and carefree. Back to the days when I could spend all day knitting or reading and I didn't have to make excuses for it. I long to be able to take enough time in the shower to shave my legs again. I would love to have the free time to go and take a hot bath. Or how about this.... go into the bathroom with a book. Dave ambles in with a magazine and comes out 20 minutes later. I rush in with a prayer that she will be entertained and usually end up crooning " Its okay baby, Mommy's coming" at the top of my lungs as I am rushing out. I dream of having the body that I had when I was single. You know the size 5 and able to wear a bikini with pride. These days I dread the idea of anyone seeing me in an over sized tee-shirt and extra large sweatpants. And though I am back in my pre-pregnancy clothes and I am lighter than I was before I got pregnant you would have a hard time proving it.
So I am coming to terms with the new me. The me that has a husband and a baby. I am realizing that I may never be able to read a book in one sitting again or strike off at a whim to go for a hike. But like my fortune from dinner said last night " Your happiness is based on your outlook on life." So I am also ultra-aware of the fact that I can't make it an hour away from the two of them with out wondering what they are up to and worrying if she is missing me. being a wife and mom is exercise in opposites; it is a busy and heartwarming, exhilarating and stressful, and fulfilling and exhausting job.... that I have been so blessed to have been offered. So when I am at the end of my patience and missing myself of old.... I look at one of them. I see the light in my husbands eyes when he sees me, despite the baby changes. I see the impish little grin on my daughter's face and I know that I am so happy that I could burst, even while I am a little sad that what was a selfish and idyllic time of my life is over. I just wish sometimes that I had taken better advantage of it while I had the chance. But the rewarding gifts that my new life offer make up for every one of the sacrifices that I make. Its all in how you do the math.... counting your blessings or subtracting your losses. I always did like addition better.

Laughter: food for the soul

You'll never guess what A[shlynn] started doing yesterday. She laughed! Her first ever. I blew raspberries on her tummy after changing her and she laughed. I could hardly believe it. So like any other parent in the world I then tried to get her to do it again..... and tried and tried and tried. After 30 minutes of trying to get a laugh and getting that quizzical look that only infants and dogs can give you, I gave up. I finally decided that it was a figment of my imagination and got her and myself dressed and went over to my parents, where Lucky the dog whined to go outside and busted A up. I mean she thought it was hysterical. He whined again and she laughed again. Poor dog we tortured him then as we all started laughing and he continued to whine. It was a catch 22. The more he whined the more she laughed and you guessed it the more the adults in the room laughed. I am adult enough to admit that I cried a few tears. I have waited so long and cried so many tears. It was a moment of sheer exhilaration.

I could hardly wait for my husband to get home so that I could tell him about it all. D didn't even have his coat off before I was telling him about it all. He looked crestfallen for a moment. " She laughed and I missed it?" he asked. I almost wished at that moment that I had not told him about it and pretended that it was the first when she did it for him. It might have been easier if she would have been willing to laugh at all today... but NO instead she has to play it cool. Nary a laugh in sight. Sigh... Well at least I know that she can do it and maybe someday someone other than the dog will get her to do it....

In her defence he is a really cute dog.

Fool-proof antidepressant

This is it.... Once and for all depression can be abolished. I should have known all along. So simple, so easy. The most affordable cure that you will ever come across. Don't let the price deter you: this isn't a back woods home remedy that will do more harm than good... though it certainly can be used in the back woods too.

I have found that even if you have slipped and have started down the path to a bad day that this remedy will cure what ails you... if you let it. Why wait until you are already having a bad day though... start the day out right with this fast and easy cure.

Side effects are minimal. Some test subjects claimed that it caused an almost giddy happiness. There also seems to have been an almost impossible need to share this curative. There also seems to be some degree of addiction involved. However as there are no real drawbacks to the addiction it is not considered to be a dangerous problem.

What you ask can this new drug be and how do you get your hands on it? How much does a miracle like this cost in this day and age? It is free! That's right free! And the best part is that it is at your disposal, no it is easily with in your reach. We all have access to it!!!

Now you can barely contain yourself, the curiosity has you antsy. What could it be, you have this common place thing. It really can make you feel better. I promise that it will, or your money will be refunded. ( Gotcha)

All it is simply put is a smile. Something so simple so easy. I promise you that it will work. I have the best smiler in 100,000 miles and I am willing to share. Please see above for a free sample. If these pictures don't make you smile then you are hopeless. ( although for the record I don't believe that anyone is hopeless. : )

Enjoy! Pass it on... One smile from you can make another person's day... and when it has it will make your day! I Promise.

Baby Mine

Ask any one who knows me fairly well and they will tell you that my favorite movie genre is kids movies. Put on a video that is intended for a toddler while I am in the room and I am a goner. I have a fairly large collection of kids movies that were purchased long before I ever thought that I might need to keep a child occupied and they are watched frequently.

As a little girl these shows were a big deal... back then we didn't have it on video that we could pop in when ever we wanted so I had to catch them when they would play it on T.V. All of the shows had their special time of the year that they were on. Mary Poppins was always on Easter Sunday, so was the Wizard of Oz. My parents were really good about finding out when those shows were on and getting us sat down to watch them. Even when we didn't have a T.V. ( which we didn't get until I was in third grade) my dad would bring us over to Gramps and Granny's or my mother would bring us to Aunt Kathy's house. It was a treat to watch these shows and we would often make a night of it.

Knowing my love of cartoons combined with my love of animals and my need to root for the underdog... it should come as no surprise that Dumbo was one of my favorite shows in the world. I would giggle through the song sung by crows about how impossible it was for an elephant to fly. I would watch through my spread fingers as Dumbo would run to get to the top of the elepant pile... knowing that disaster was about to strike. I would watch enthralled by the color changes and images of Pink Elephants. I loved everything about that movie.

The thing about Dumbo is that it was a bittersweet movie to watch, much like Bambi or Fox and the Hound. There in the midst of this wonderful movie was a sadness that was difficult to watch. Like the death of Bambi's mother and the end of the friendship between Copper and Tod, it was hard to watch Mrs. Jumbo get in trouble for protecting her baby. It was near to impossible to watch as she rocked him while "Baby Mine " played. From a very young age that part of the movie impacted me greatly. I would watch it broken hearted for Dumbo, because I knew how I would feel if I lost my mommy. From the time that I understood the movie I fought tears at that part of the movie.

My mother and I talked once when I was a bit younger about that part of the movie agreeing about how hard that part of the movie was to watch. My mother said that she too had to fight tears at that part of the movie. I took the comment at face value, assuming that she experienced that scene in the same way that I did. I believed that she responded the same way that I did for the same reasons that I did. I am sure that she did at some point, but I know now that there was so much more to it.

The other night I was rocking my little girl late at night. We are having some teething issues so we often don't sleep very well right now. So there I was at three in the morning trying to coax her back to sleep and I started humming Baby Mine. As I was humming and rocking the most precious person that I have ever met in my life, for the first time in my life I realized the depth of that scene. I thought of that scene as a mother. I envisioned the tearing loss that Mrs. Jumbo felt being seperated from her little one and trying to comfort him in what small way that she can. Just contemplating such a forced seperation creates in me a desperation. My daughter is napping as I write this and my arms feel empty and ache to hold her.

I always expected that when I "Grew Up" that the effect that scene had on me would change. That the sadness would disappear, like the dread of Wendy having to grow up in Peter Pan did. Or there would come an understood acceptance of the honesty of the scene, as there is when Copper and Tod realize that their childhood friendship cannot carry over into adulthood. This one time however a children's movie effects me as profoundly as an adult as it ever did in my childhood years.