Needing to save a memory!

Dave and I were just going through some of the photos that I have taken. I have literally hundreds of thousands of photos of my ladies. Some are good. Some are phenomenal! some are crap. For every truly phenomenal photo that I get of my girls there are ten that are a picture of the back of the head or vastly out of focus, etc. Now with a good photo program I could fix some of that. But for right now I am working on timing and taking the truly amazing photos the first time without the finagling afterward. But I digress ... We came to a series of photos of Ashlynn that for all the world looked like the screw ups that I was just telling you all about. But the thing is that it wasn't that the photos were poorly taken or timed it is that they tell a story. Allow me to tell it:
I have a friend who is doing a study on music and the effect that sharing music actively with your baby and toddler. She is forever posting the coolest photos of the baby classes that she teaches on facebook. Ashlynn and I love to look through them together. She also shares youtube videos of opera and classical music and ballet. Ashlynn has come to have a healthy appreciation for all three, because MOMMY has a healthy appreciation for all three and I have played them for her. We watch those youtube videos together and we act them out or we hum and sing with the music. Taryn is already catching the tunes and can match pitch as she watches them with us. She soon will I am sure have the same appreciation that Ashlynn does and request that I play something she particularly like again just as Ashlynn does. At any rate a few weeks ago we were watching a video of ballet that particularly spoke to Ashlynn... and she put some of her foam letters around her hips like a tutu and she started pirouetting across the floor... or at least as near to it as a two year old can get. It was an amazing moment of discovery for her and connection for us both. So being the photo hound that I am I snapped a few photos of it. Here they are...As you can clearly see they would be considered rejects if you weren't to have heard the story. And perhaps ten years from now I will look at them and think the same thing. That is why I am posting this blog. I am hoping that I will save that memory. Maybe many years from now my little princess will read this and remember. Maybe she will read this and not be able to remember but will appreciate the story. Maybe all I am really doing is putting down the words with the hope that the story then will be indelibly marked on my own memory. Who knows. I just know that these rejects have a story and I want to remember it.

And I Could Not Ask For More.

If you know country music than you recognize the title to a wonderful Sara Evans song as my title. But is says a lot doesn't it. It says it all. In this world we are lucky to find someone who stands with you and loves you enough to keep your back. I have that. In this world you are lucky to see unconditional love in the eyes of someone you love.... I have that. I have the truest gifts that any one in this world could ever have. I don't have any more words... there are none that can convey it as eloquently as a few photos can.... so I will offer you this:

I have applied at a couple of different places for work. Working outside the home is NOT really something that I want to do... so I actually have applied a couple of places where I could work FROM home. I also have applied at the local grocery store... and I will be sending a resume in for our local Dept. of Human Services as they are looking for a case manager. The grocery store gig would be great because apparently employees get a discount on groceries.... Umm ROCK ON! The DHS gig would be nice because it would make us lots and lots of money. I am somewhat torn on the DHS job... I remember my stint as a DHS casemanager... I remember crying before work and being so wiped out after work that I felt like I didn't have anything left to offer at home. I remember when my weekend ended halfway through Sunday when I realized that I had to go to work tomorrow. I also remember though when I would jump out of bed excited because I could help someone that day. I remember the feeling of accomplishment that I would get when someone really meant it when they said " Thank you!" I remember the letters that I would receive from people who felt that I had made a difference in their lives.
The DHS job is however full time. Not really what I want and I wouldn't even consider it were it not for the fact that my husband lost HIS job early last week. He is applying left and right for jobs and is looking into truck driving school so that we can keep bread on the table, but it leaves us feeling just a little bit....well to be honest SCARED OUT OF OUR FREAKIN' MINDS. We have two little girls who we have to care for and two out of work parents is not okay. So I am applying for work too and we will see how things pan out. We both agree that we want our children to be home with a parent rather than with a daycare provider. It is a personal choice that is of great importance to us. We also know ( thanks to my previous placement with child care subsidy) that unless both parents are college educated and placed in a career that has a salary GREATER than 20,000.00 a year that one parent is simply working to pay for that parent working and child care. By that I mean that the second income usually gets eaten up by the average cost of childcare, and will afford a tank of gas... if the parent works full time. So what is the point. It makes most sense for me to be the one home because I am still nursing T... but when you are faced with this type of situation well you improvise.
SO we have agreed that SHOULD I get the DHS position that I will work there until Dave gets himself through school and then I would stay home... because Dave's goal is to go over the road if possible. Meanwhile I am praying that I get one of the at home jobs that I have applied for... because that would be PHENOMENAL. Still and all keep us in your prayers... because while I know that Spirit has a plan and we don't always get to see all the moves before the hand is played out ( yes I know that i mixed up the metaphores but you get what I am saying ) it is all a little scary.
So on to far more exciting and important things... my beautiful girls. Who are growing in LEAPS and BOUNDS. These kids just won't stop growing. T can walk now and tries her hand at running. She is so cute when she does it. Looks like a little chimpanzee when she walks. She sings the "B is for Bubble " song from Sesame Street all the time, and that kid has an ear for pitch... she is RIGHT on. She has learned some of the more polite phrases from her sister and now has added "Go Away" and "Mine" to her phrases and words. She communicates in other ways too... if she is hungry she climbs her highchair, if she is thirsty she walks around flicking her tongue on her upper lip, if she is mad she screams and throws her nuk across the room... yeah it caught us by surprise the first time too. She is a fist full of dynomite that one. She is also a little ray of sunshine with that little smile of hers. And her giggle is enough to bring people from the next room, it is contagious. Simply put she is one of the most incredible little people I have ever had the fortune to meet.
The other amazing little person would be A. She is my little flower. While T is sleeping she curls into my lap and we cuddle, just her and me. " Do kisses and hugs make you smile, Mommy?" She asks as she snuggles in. " Do hugs make you happy?" I don't think there is anything in the world the kid could do that could pop my bubble of happy. She is potty trained now and rarely has an accident... but she also has really taken to being naked and spends most of the day that way... Girl Nature tears her clothes off minutes after they have been put on her or seconds after we come in the door. Dave tries endlessly to get her to wear at least underpants... but she won't have anything to do with it. I think it is kind of funny though and don't really press the issue... she will grow out of it. She is also into every kind of art you can imagine. I have finger paints, water colors, markers, papers scissors and glue: you name it the kid wants to do it. A few weeks back we made playdoh with peanut butter that she could eat when she was done. She loved it so much she asked if we could do it the next day. Today we made a cake to " surprise" daddy with. It wasn't much of a surprise as he was in the house when we did it... but it was important to her that it be a surprise cake and so it was. Gingerbread, Daddy's favorite ( well that and spice, carrot, and poppyseed, and well you get the idea. )
I have so much fun with my girls! We have been avoiding the outside world like the plague lately. Both girls have severe allergic reactions to mosquito bites... and we have a mosquito FARM out there right now. With Ash being allergic to EVERYTHING in the world we have to be careful what we use to keep her bitefree.... and I am a little bit unsure of using anything too strong. Still we have been to the dr once for a bite in the last month and we don't need anymore. We literally run from the car to the house in the evening hours. My mother makes someone carry her back home ( because I have Taryn) so as to hopefully avoid them on her legs and she has to wear pants out. Taryn is no better. Hers are a different sort of reaction but just as bad. So we have been trying to come up with new and interesting options for inside play. It is good that thing1 is laid back and thing2 is too young to know better. I get asked several times a day to play outside, so I can't wait until the autumn months when the damn things aren't so thick. Not even to mention that the kids SHOULD be able to play outside in the dang summer!
Well I will wind this up. I know you have things to do... and it is 11 PM right now... I am througoughly tired right now. I made waffles and bacon for breakfast, baked chicken for lunch, and we had bar-b-qued pork ribs ( I made the bar-b-que YUMMY) with biscuits and corn for dinner... followed by Gingerbread cake. Not to mention I did several loads of laundry and did the dishes between each meal and the living room needs a bit of tidying before I can really call it a night. Not that I am bragging or anything... it just takes a lot of work to make a house run! So I will post a few pics with this and then I am going to clean up the living room so that I can wake up to a house that looks nice. Love to all. Hope you enjoy the photos.

August 19th - Day Of Hope

Break down the walls in society that see pregnancy, infant and childloss as

taboo subjects. These babies are not sad things that happened. They are

children. Much wanted and loved children. They are grandchildren,

brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews. August 19th - Day Of Hope

It is a strange thing being a parent of a child who has passed away. From the Day that Aislynn made her way into this world my life changed. First as a NICU mom who visited with my little girl and touched her and willed her to have the strength to fight the battles that I could not fight for her. Then as the mother who walked down the hallway half supported by my husband as we made our way to the last time we would hold her before the life support that was keeping her alive would be turned off. Then as the mother who sat in the front row of the service we had to recognize her short little life. Then as the mother who had to figure out how to rebuild my life. The same sad story repeated itself nearly exactly with Aidan. Only he was not as far along when he made his way into this world, and so we could not fight for his little life. Instead he was held by someone who loved him for every second of his short little life. Small solace but still it is some. Trying to figure out how to put my life back together was harder after Aidan, but still a necessity.
I was unprepared for life after that death. I was not aware that after the funeral I should stop talking about my babies. And yet that seemed to be the consensus from those around me, including my husband. Dave told me " It is a private thing. Not every one wants to hear about it." And so an unofficial gag order took effect. My doctor prescribed me antidepressants and referred me to a psychologist at my six week check up, after he came into the room and asked me in a jovial tone " And What can we do for you today?" The psychologist kept changing the subject when I would bring up my babies. " We want to look at how we can move FORWARD." she would say. I never went back.
My mother was the only person who I could talk to about my little ones, and every now and then my husband. Perhaps as a mother she understood my need to recognize and validate those little lives. She knew that I needed to hear their names, that I needed to say their names, that I needed to share what stories I could. Nearly everyone else would change the subject when babies came up. There was a look that I started to recognize, that sort of deer caught in a headlight look. And then they would either change the subject or they would find some way to politely excuse themselves and move on. Some people didn't even try to engage me in conversation. The people I am talking about were not people on the fringe of my life or relative strangers. The people I am talking about were cousins and aunts and uncles. While I didn't ( and still don't ) talk about my babies continually, I didn't want to completely avoid talking about them either.
I am a new and different person than I was before the miscarriage that started my chain of losses. My husband says that I have a tragic air around me that makes every thing fuzzy even when I am smiling and happy. He likens it to a gothic novel heroine. I have gone on to have beautiful wonderful children, but that does not erase my beautiful wonderful children that were born before. They are with me. I carry them in my heart and in my memory. I have been blessed to have them and I LOVE to share them. My oldest children didn't live long, but the shortness of their lives made them no less important. No less a part of their mommy. No less my babies, my children.
My mother wrote this poem for my Aunt Kathy when her twins passed away. It was read at both of childrens funerals and I think it is appropriate to add here:

Diamonds in the Sand
Nancy Ryall

When Father stretched his might hand
And made the Earth and Waters
He fashioned then his little ones
To be his sons and Daughters

And sometimes when a little soul
Is born upon this earth
Shining like a precious gem
From the moment of its birth

The Father in His joy and love
Stretches out his might hand,
And scoops His precious little gem
Like a diamond from the sand

And though it brings us tears of loss
And rends our hearts in sorrow
We know that they are in his arms
Where we will be tomorrow

For He who gave a special son
That we might understand
Has given us one quick chance
To hold a diamond in the sand.

A and T both have had terrible reactions to mosquito bites in the last week and we have eight GAZILLION mosquitos in our yard so we are hiding out in the house lately. That makes for some interesting days.... as girls who do not get to run and jump outside tend to get antsy. BUT we are managing. A has done all sorts of crafts lately... and for once I realized that she has become ready to move on to things that I wasn't prepared for. I usually am a step ahead and expecting her to be ready for something that she isn't.... this time she has shown me that she is ready for things I haven't really planned for. The other day she asked to use scissors. And as she had asked so nicely, and partly from sheer curiosity I let her. She did WONDERFULLY. She cut and diced up a flyer that I had no need for. SO I think that a trip to the store for some of those fun cut scissors and construction paper might be in order. She also wants to make more intricate crafts ( for instance a kite that is cut into the shape of a kite and it has to have a tail) So a glue stick may also have to be added to our list of things to get. She has a ton of fun with arts and crafts though and so it is something I like to offer a lot of for her. She has gotten more solid in the last few weeks. My willow-the-wisp toddler is becoming a child. It is really something to see it happening. She also has come out of her shell a ton. My shy girl now loudly introduces herself to anyone she notices in the store. She still is not a real fan of someone ELSE initiating contact... and will turn shy the moment that someone tries to talk to her.But she will call across the store to someone who has caught her interest. " Hi I'm ASHLYNN!" over and over until that someone notices that she is talking to them. I find my self EXTREMELY irritated if someone ignores her. I figure my child has chosen you to test her new social skills on... the least you can do is respond. She is still uncertain and it doesn't take much for her to feel bad. It happened the other day at her cousin R's house. R wanted to play with her neighbor girls who were older and A got left behind. It was her first experience of that and it hurt... but more so it hurt me. I wanted to wade in and MAKE those little girls play with my amazing child. But I can't do that. Instead I had to provide comfort after. It isn't a big surprise, it was bound to happen R is now 5 and A is still only 2.
What can we say about T bear... other than she is the sun that shines in the sky. A is my little flower and always will be... but T is my little sunshine. Different and individual and yet similar in so many ways. My T bear is walking now more than she is crawling. She walks like a little chimpanzee... it cracks everyone up. She starts our across the floor and then when she falls ( IF she falls ) she finishes the trip crawling. But she rarely falls anymore. She has learned the art of climbing too. That is terrifying sometimes. That gasp of breath that says mom is scared witless, is heard ALOT! " GASP DAVE get her!" , " GASP WHAT are you doing up there?", " GASP TARYN we DON'T climb bookshelves!" ... these are the kinds of things that are heard often around her. She is picking up words pretty quickly too. Today alone she learned bubble and Abby. She also waves bye bye and blows kisses and gives ya five. If you say dog she will bark bark bark. And she LOVES to put her head in the washer to bark so that she can hear the echo. She has cut two teeth just this week. Which brings her to a grand total of seven teeth. She is a go getter when she wants something.... but only if she can't get you to get it for her first. She will reach and wiggle her fingers to let you know she wants something and then progress to " DAT DAT DAT!" Followed by squeals and screams... and last and certainly in her opinion LEAST she will get it herself if she must. She has this little laughs that will make you giggle too!
We love our little bears. I have to admit that I sometimes have a little trouble writing about them both though. NOT because we have so little going on... but because there is a part of me that wants to stay away from comparing so much that I avoid writing all together. Taryn isn't progressing as fast in some areas as Ash did... in others she is progressing faster. That is the nature of children, they are all different. But I as their mommy love them so much I do not EVER want them to find this blog someday and say... " Mommy you think that such and such is better because... " Is that a little bit crazy of me? I suppose. But these are my babies and I NEVER want them to think that I EVER thought one was better than the other in anyway. I am working on it... just like I am working on trying to figure out my time a little better. I will eventually it will just take time. Meanwhile I am taking some amazing photos of my girls... I will post some right now. and If there just aren't enough of them here for you... check out my facebook page. It is FILLED with them ;)

Alright it has been a bit and I am sorry. This has been the thing that has had to go by the wayside though... because you see both of my daughters decided to hit HUGE milestones at the same time. T-bear can now walk across the floor by herself... albeit not very steadily but that doesn't stop her. She is into everything that she can reach and has started climbing to get to what she can't reach. And A has decided to potty train. She has been doing SO very well... as a matter of fact it has been a full week since she had a number two accident and I can't remember the last time that she wet other than in her potty. It has amazed me how quickly this happened. But we had a seriously sore rear caused by a stomach bug that meant business and so it happened quickly as I wouldn't put a diaper on her for a day and a half. At first she was really not cool with it and would be naked all day and then ask for a diaper when she needed to go potty. That helped me to realize that the kid had control so I just had to work on convincing her that the potty was the better place to go potty... and that wasn't so hard when we started rewarding her with stickers and a sucker for using the potty. I'm not proud I bribe... for some things.

At any rate this all started as my excuse for not posting in a long time. As I said I am very sorry, and I do realize that this is the only way that some people get updates on our little bears. It just seems that my time gets totally out of control sometimes. You really would wonder why being as my house is NEVER spotless... but my kids do usually get a home cooked meal and my husband gets a home made lunch. My kids though do need to be outside and play and they aren't at an age where I can let them just go out by themselves. It is quite ridiculous really... I can't imagine what life would be like if I had to work on top of it all.... that would drive me mad. A friend of mine who works said that she thinks that it is actually easier for her to keep her house clean than it is for me because while she is working her kids are in daycare and they destroy that house instead of hers.... I guess that makes sense. And I also am not the mom who follows along behind my kids picking up as they are taking it out. Nope I am more the mom who is helping them to pull it out. I play with my kids a ton. We have fun... so maybe there is a give and a take... though I will try to get better about it all.

Right now my baby bear is sleeping while my little bear is watching a little bit of "raccoons" which we figured out the other day means cartoons. It is HYSTERICAL how a kid will use a recognizable word for a word they don't quite get. The other day we were in the car and a Carrie Underwood song came on. A asked who was singing and I told her... only to hear from the back " Mommy I like Carrie Underwear. " I ask you CAN it get cuter....because my gut reaction is to say nope the cuteness meter has been broken in this house.

T-bear turned one last month. My baby is now one year old. HOLY COW where does that time go. We ended up having just a little party at the local McDs with my parents and my brothers. I was trying to get something bigger put together but I was supposed to have surgery the week before ( it got postponed) and we were having trouble fitting it all in. So the week before we all realized that if we didn't do it ON her birthday a good number of people wouldn't be able to be there for it until late AUGUST. That just seemed silly. So we all discussed it on Father's Day and came up with the impromptu party. It wasn't big... but it was really nice having it somewhere that we didn't have a huge clean-up after. Which is a step up from A's last birthday where we had to cancel because she got so sick... and then we never actually rescheduled. Poor kid never did get a 2nd birthday party.

I do post a lot of pictures on my facebook page. So if ever you want to see recent pics of the girls and I haven't gotten to this in a bit... check there. That seems to be what eats up my computer time lately. I have gotten slightly addicted. It is so incredibly cool though because I have reconnected with old friends and made a whole slew of friends who have a lot in common with me. I have an entire network of stay at home mom friends who I have hooked up with. It is truly a wonderful tool for me. That is what I do at night when the girls have gone to bed. I talk with other mothers ( who have also just put their kids down) and we post articles and links for each other. It really is a great way to connect with others.

Alright I don't have any recent photos that I can share.. I am at Dave's computer as my daughter is on mine. I will try and post some photos in the next few days.

Happy Mother's day!

It has been yet again a terribly long time in between posts. It is shameful... I know. But I end up with a lot of things to do these days. Between playing the role of the third leg that is the tripod of Taryn right now, having tea parties and drawing pictures with my little dreamer Ashlynn, and taking Dave back and forth to work my days are full. And every now and then I do pay a little bit of attention to my house. Though in all honesty it doesn't look like it today, but then it is mother's day and I gave it a once over and I am not doing too much more than that! Tomorrow is another day and I have a few moments time ( Dave has to work all day, Ashlynn is at my parents house playing and Taryn is down for a nap) so I decided to spend it this way. After having picked up every toy that the girls own. I swear they can't play with JUST one.... Ashlynn has a really bad tendency these days of just tipping over the toy box or climbing into it and tossing toys out one by one. When I mention that she could play with one toy at a time she usually tells me that she is looking for something. But that is the joy of being a mommy!!! Watching your kids do exactly what you did and come up with the same exact ( or even better) excuses. The other day Taryn started to scream and I went over and in a really bored voice Ash says " Oh she'll be okay I just bumped her with my feet. " I said back to her "Ash that is kicking and it can cause owies... your sister is crying because it hurt when you kicked her!" And she looks at me with interest and says " OH, is that KICKING!? Hm I didn't know that!" Tell me that what you would have done please because it was all I could do to keep myself from laughing out loud. THIS is what I am talking about. Now I realize that Ash is a little precocious and perhaps a bit ahead of the curve, but um that was just funny... and She KNOWS what kicking is so the reasoning behind it has to be to take my attention away from her behavior. And does she have mom figured out or what because that is a really quick way to distract me. Finding a way to make something a learning experience is what my method of raising children is all about... and she taught me something about just how savvy she is that day.
So Happy Mother's day to all. I know that there is only a few people who read this.... but ONE that I KNOW does read it deserves a big Happy Mother's Day said. Especially as she didn't even get so much as a card last year. I bought them ahead of time and had every intention of sending them but one thing led to another and I was having regular bouts of contractions with T bear and Dave wouldn't let me leave the house and the next thing you know Taryn was here.... Oh my with the excuses huh? Well the funniest thing is that I had them sitting on my desk right up until the Sunday before Donna ( one of the recipients of said cards) came to see our little Bear ( and the rest of the family of COURSE : ) But on that Sunday Dave and my father were talking about a design that Dave had in mind for something or other ( He Always has something going on in that brain) and he used the cards to show the design. WHY he had to draw something similar four times ( twice on each card) I don't know... but the result was what looked like two big boobs on each card in permanent marker (.)(.) and I wasn't going to give them that way. So the cards didn't get given even when Donna came TO our house ( albeit in July which would have been two months late anyways) So I resorted to phone calls this year. I have a really bad habit of being a day late and a dollar short when it comes to that kind of thing. I always have the card.... and I always send it late ( if I send it at all) Once again shameful... and I can't even blame that one on the kids because that has been my MO for as long as I remember. I have the best of intentions and the worst ability to follow through of anybody I know. I am super organized up to a point and then it falls apart. Hence what my house looks like on an average day. It is clean and somewhat tidy.... if you don't look too closely. Ah well.... I would rather drink imaginary tea any day rather than sort through the junk mail... and I hope someday my children thank me for that!
Later today the girls and I will be having dinner with my parents for mother's day complete with our contribution so strawberries over angel food cake. Dave will not be able to join us as he went to work at 11 this morning and most likely will not get off of work until 9 or so. Ah well what can you do? One of us has to work and being as I have the breasts that are feeding our baby right now the logical choice is that he work. The cost of baby formula alone would be prohibitive should we decide that I should be the one to work.... not to mention my little missy is REALLY picky about some things. One of those things is that she WILL not take a bottle. Never has and I guess at this point won't have to worry about it. When she was little we tried a few times to let me have a girls night out or go to an appointment with out her. Leaving her at home with Dave armed with several bottles in case she needed to eat. I would get home to an entirely frazzled husband and a baby who had been crying for a good portion of the time that I had been gone. So we gave up ( can we say trained mommy and daddy) It was just too hard on poor Dave's nerves. She is older now and doesn't need to nurse quite so frequently ( this kid was VORACIOUS when she was little and sometimes it seemed like she was permanently attached to me) and actually is taking fluids other than breast milk from a sippy cup but she still likes the good stuff straight from the tap! : )
So in a crazy way this is my mother's day card to the mothers we love so very much. Happy Mother's Day!