Always a blessing, never a loss

Today is our daughter Aislynn's birthday. She would be two today. On Saturday she will have been an angel for two years. It is a bittersweet time for me, as I look at my little Ashlynn and glory in what she is accomplishing and imagine what Aislynn would have been. So many dreams were put into that pregnancy, so many that it felt like a heavy loss for a very long time. When I got pregnant with our son Aidan I hadn't truly moved through the grief process for Aislynn like I needed to. I had to face mid pregnancy that I had been looking at this new ( and different) child as a replacement for the one that I had "LOST." So when Aidan was born premature and he was "LOST" also, it made for a very long time a heavy burden. I felt unfairly punished. Until one day I sat outside, and felt the wind and sun relax me. In this relaxed state it came to me that they are not gone. My angels are still with me: whispering encouragement, lending support, and cheering me on. They watch me with their little sister and see the loving care that they would have received had they stayed here on earth. And they are grateful to me for what I have done. My sacrifice as a mother, has created two new little angels.

As I move through the ages and stages with Ashlynn I am so mindful of all of that I have. There isn't a smile or a coo that is taken for granted. One of the blessings of Aislynn and Aidan having been a part of my life is that it has helped me to be a better mommy to Ashlynn. I have never looked with dread at that dirty diaper or that midnight feeding. I instead often spend that time thanking God for the blessing of that diaper or feeding. ( trust me when I say that there hasn't been a day since she was born that I haven't thanked God on multiple occasions at that rate) Not the first response that most have to poop or being woken in the middle of the night, I know.... and yet I am grateful for that poop and the lack of sleep. And if poop has me thanking God than you can understand how a laugh can often get me teary eyed.

I appreciate every moment with my child. What is more I appreciate every moment that I have had with ALL of my children. There were moments in the darkest days that I wondered how I could ever look back on the birthdays of my children with anything but regret. I wondered how in HELL I was supposed to find the good in what had happened. But lets look at the flip side of that. If I only ever looked at Aislynn or Aidan with REGRET than I would be missing the reality of all that they are and were. I was blessed by the opportunity to touch and be touched by an angel for a few short minutes, MORE THAN ONCE. Where is the loss, when you have gained your own personal cheering section of angels?!

As the clock turned over midnight this morning and I was up with my earthly angel feeding her I felt a tinge. To be honest I would call it a sadness or a regret. I thought to myself " Happy Birthday Little Girl" and shook my head. At that moment Ashlynn stopped eating and gave me a milky smile and her little love coo that I get when she is eating. It was a reminder "Hey Mom I'm here." And how true it is. If the world hadn't turned upside down two years ago... I might have a youngster running around and I wouldn't be writing this..... But I wouldn't have had Aidan. If that little bit of ground hadn't fallen from my feet I might be watching as a little boy cruised furniture around the room... But I wouldn't have my earthly angel swinging next to me as I write this. I wouldn't be looking forward to the fact that when I finish this we are going to go play at sitting up and grabbing our feet. I wouldn't see that smile that makes me tear up or hear the laugh that makes those tears well over. I also might not be as willing to give up cleaning or the dishes to play. I might not as happily drop the laundry to hold her while she sleeps. I certainly wouldn't spend the quiet moments Thanking God again and again for the opportunity to be someone's mommy. And while I have spent many a day wishing things could be different I can't wish it too hard any more. I wouldn't give up what I have right here for what might have been.

Happy Birthday Little Girl! Two years as an angel is a big thing. I know that you are looking over my shoulder as I write this nodding your head at the title. Because if there is one thing you never wanted to cause it was hurt. And to be sure, if there is one thing in this world that you want to be to me it is always a blessing, never a loss!