to pump or not to pump

Breast-feeding has been difficult over the last week, due to Ashlynn's cold. I suppose when it seems like you are drowning the last thing that you want is to be pressed up to a breast that is full with milk. So since the middle of last week I have been pumping immediately after feeding Ashlynn a bottle. Makes for considerably more work at times.... but in other ways it frees me up a little. " Here hon, will you feed the baby while I make breakfast?" Rather than "I'll make breakfast as soon as she's done eating." Not always a bad deal.
When I first started breast-feeding I wasn't sure that I liked it. I knew that I was doing the best thing for my daughter, but the whole thing seemed somewhat confining and I felt like a cow whose only purpose on the farm was milk. Your life starts to revolve around your breasts or so it seems. They were sore, they were huge, and I was tired, and my daughter wanted to eat constantly. Yes I would reason.... I am the only one who can do this for her, but do I really want to? "Just wait", my mother would counsel. "Don't quit" the lactation consultants would urge. "It really is the best thing for baby" all the web sites laud. So I decided that I would keep it up. What is a year of being a cow? My chest will go back to normal then, I hope. What is a year really?
Through this all my husband has been a strange combination of supportive and a pain in the ass. Urging me to continue for our daughter's sake. Pointing out how quickly she is growing. Even admitting to being slightly jealous. Of course being the block head that he is he also has been calling me "Milk Bags" and "Lunch Box" depending upon his mood. Not the way to help a mother who has just had a child regain the feeling that she is attractive. He always smiles as he is saying it to let me know it is all just in good fun. I have asked him to quit to which I get the response "What, that is exactly what you are right now." I don't have the energy to fight and, why bother? There is a certain amount of truth to it.
You see in the alluring commentary that all expectant mothers read about losing weight while breastfeeding they leave something out. What is not mentioned is that you may weigh less, but you sure look different. There are times that I rival good ole Dolly, who needs augmentation. Other times that I look like my breasts are racing to see who can reach my knees first. And then there are the times when she is not so hungry that makes it really interesting..... because depending on which side you look at I have both going on. Pumping at least makes you even. That has been one benefit of the last weeks illness.
The thing is that despite all of the "down sides" that I have just listed, I realized this week that I really enjoy breast feeding. I miss it. I miss the closeness that Ashlynn and I have while I hold her to my breast. I miss the communion that we seem to have in those moments. Having done both..... I can guarantee that you don't get quite the same experience by holding a bottle. So then I start to worry. There are a lot of babies who won't go back to the breast after bottle feeding for awhile. I start to wonder what I will do. Pumping and feeding is not a method that is meant for the long haul, and she is only 9 weeks old. I don't want to loose our connection. I am willing to be the cow in the pasture for the rest of the year. I will do it gladly God, just please don't change her preference.
Last night we came home from a dinner out and my angel woke up from a nap a little fussy. I tried the bottle. Nope. I tried the paci, NOT on you ever loving LIFE! I tried rocking, Helloooo I'm hungry here. I tried the bottle, I SAID NO! My mother was on the phone with my aunt from Chicago and toldmy mom to tell me to "Put that child to the breast" Well Ashlynn was starting to feel better so I thought what the heck, it won't hurt. I set her to my breast. On she latched and started drinking like a champ. She stopped and looked up and started cooing and smiling at me before she went back to the breast. It was as if to say " Hey Mom I like it too! Don't worry." She has been breast feeding all day today, and I am gratefully a cow again. That isn't to say that I won't use that pump when I need to. It is a pretty handy little tool to have around, trust me.