On the Fourth Day of Christmas

And then there was Taryn!! Oh yes oh yes I have been blessed with a little firecracker. Though it has blonded out quite a bit she was born with Red hair and has been living up to the reputation since. On her second night alive she got kicked out of the baby nursery at the hospital because they couldn't console her.... mommy was the only thing that could make her happy and laying in my arms was the only place that she would sleep. She has been a handful who lets EVERYONE know what she wants from day one and despite my feed on demand and baby wearing approach to keeping her happy she still cries... I have come to terms with it and can tell when she is just being vocal or really needs something changed by the tone of her cry. It has been a little bit to get used to after my never cry Ashlynn. I had to learn that this is her personality because the sound of a baby crying tears me in two and creates in me a need to ACT! But sometimes with my T bear there is nothing to do but tune her out. She has a temper ( BOY does she have a temper) and she uses it liberally.!
But she has taught me a few lessons my little firecracker. I spent her entire pregnancy worried about being able to love two babies in the manner I believe they deserve to be loved. I was terrified that I had used up my love allowance on Ashlynn because I love her SO SO much. What if I couldn't love T the same way to the same extent? What if because of Taryn I had to take something away from my Ashlynn bearbie? UNACCEPTABLE! Then along came my Taryn and for a couple of days I was totally involved in her. I was in the hospital for three days and those days were all about mommy and Taryn, but I went home and my beautiful little Bearbie was there and I realized without doubt that my heart had expanded. It had grown and allowed space for Taryn but it had not taken any little bit of the space that my Ashlynn had. My life is fuller and richer with Taryn in it but not because it shoved Ash out of the way but because my heart can get endlessly bigger, somewhat like my belly when I carry them. My heart will expand as many times as I need it to!
Taryn has also taught me a lesson I didn't know I would really need to learn. Before she was born I would look at babies that cry all the time and think that it was because of parents who don't do enough. It is a need that is not fulfilled I would endlessly say. Those parents are not learning the cues or they aren't filling the need. But then my little vocalist was born. She cries no matter what I do. She cries because she just has to let it out. That is a valid need, and it isn't one that I can take care of for her really. Instead it is a need that I have to understand. I can make her as comfortable as I can and I let her get that out. I have had to learn to be patient with it too. There is nothing in this world that I have come across yet that is more frustrating and grating than the sound of that baby crying and screaming. It tightens me up like a spring and I sometimes have to leave the room before that spring snaps. I have come to understand where Shaken Baby Syndrome comes from though I leave the room before it gets to that point. But I have also found that this child while she shares her cries endlessly... as soon as she started smiling and laughing she shared those just as liberally. She smiles and laughs and coos and smiles some more. There is MORE than one side to a baby, even one that cries a lot. She is an incredible child and I have had to look past that prickliness that she first introduced to us and see the rest of her personality. A personality that I love, with a smile that I would turn cartwheels to see. She has taught me to look beyond the cover and actually read the book, as cliche as that is.
Taryn is at that point of separation anxiety where I can barely leave the room without a little bit of fuss. It is truly amazing to be loved to that point. I have been blessed over and over and over again in my life and Taryn Bo Baryn is one of my favorite blessings.