Update on the little bear!

I just realized that it has been a long time since I have updated you all on my little Ashlynn Bear. The light of my life and my reason for being.... alright so that is a bit melodramatic, but it is close to true. Ash is the sun and a smile on a cloudy day and I love that I have been given the privilege of being in her life. I am awed by this child and the leaps and bounds that she makes in her development. And while every mother is I am sure... you will have to forgive me for the bragging that I do. It is just an automatic reaction to having an amazing child. I won't make any serious apologies for it. Also I am aware that every child is remarkable in that child's own manner and that mine is not shall we say more extraordinary than any other child. So I do listen when other mother's brag... and do not in any way compare... because I don't want mine compared.
That being said. Ash has been a busy girl of late. She is in to everything. She has learned that magic key that toddlers do eventually learn. If she grabs something over here and fights for a few seconds to keep it and then runs as fast as she can to something in a different area of the room and wreaks havoc and then runs when she is stopped at station number two to station number three as fast as her legs can carry her, she can cause more damage. And in case you didn't know the toddler Credo is cause as much damage as you can before they stop you! Then laugh hysterically. Nothing is safe. She has learned to climb onto chairs to get what she want. She has climbed up bookcases. She WILL find a way around things over, under, or through the impossibly small space that she shouldn't even be able to fit through. She has learned to take advantage of Mom being slower. As I am roughly the size of a lumbering elephant and move slower than maple syrup runs in January it is easy to take advantage of me. Now that we have passed most danger zones with Taryn I have started picking her up a little bit more... that makes mommy winning a little easier.
Ash has started hitting. It happened over a weekend. On one side she was this mild mannered little girl who would never dream of hitting, and on the other side she is hitting every human being on the face of the earth. She thinks it is remarkably funny and it has most of the adults in her life completely confounded. We are a no hitting or spanking home. Dave and I both agreed on that before we started having children. Hitting a child is in our opinion counter-intuitive. She is too young to understand a "time-out, and she thinks it is funny when you tell her "NO". So we have settled on holding both of her hands and telling her no repeatedly. We also say " Owwie" when she hits us to let her know that it hurts. A few more trillion times and she just may get it. She also has taken to kicking me in the stomach when I change her rear too. That one is just as tough, and it is complicated by the fact that I am already dealing with a mess that I don't really want to mess with! To be fair that tummy is way out there right now... but it can't keep up. It hurts now with a baby in there, I can just imagine what that will feel like with a new incision. But these are the things that a toddler goes through and the lessons that we as parents are responsible for helping them to learn. She is not doing any of it maliciously ( no matter how it may feel when you are the one who just got clocked!)
She has also found a remarkable helpful streak. She loves to clean up clean up... and will take out the broom to sweep up. She will pick up clothes, and will put books and toys away. But only if she is in the right mood. If she is in the mood to take things out... then watch out, because anything that you put away will immediately be pulled out and tossed on the floor. She is as fast as a tornado and causes twice as much wreckage when she wants to.
She now knows most of her books by name and will ask for them by name to be read. We had her at the book store a few weeks ago and she saw a book that she had at home and pointed it out by name to me. She also knows what words should be said for the page we are on. So Daddy's habit of making up the story by the pictures instead of reading the words makes for some interesting conversations between the two of them. Reading a book is not a straightforward ordeal anymore. She will tell you what the page says and she will turn quickly to her favorite pages not allowing time for the book to be read. Also she has so many words and recognizes so many things that she can point out that some of the books have pages that we will be on for fifteen minutes before she is done pointing every thing out and telling you what every one is doing. She also can point out the numbers 6,7,8,9,and 10 by sight. Don't ask me why those numbers rather than the first in the series. And while she cannot recognize the numbers by sight she can count to three. When there are more than three objects she just starts over at three... or skips to six. She also can sing the entire alphabet song. And if you sing one part she will pick up where you left off and sing back and forth in a series with you. She knows the shapes of heart, star, circle, square, and triangle on sight. And she knows her colors really well. Orange is often still called red, but most others have been ironed out for her. We have books that cover all of those concepts plus when she was younger we went and got wall hangings that deal with those concepts that we have put up on the wall and we have gone over before she goes to bed at night. They are not on the wall anymore... as we got to a stage where she wants to touch everything and when she asked if she could touch the wall hangings we let her. Now the wall hangings are spread all over the house... but she still has fun with them. They don't last very long as they are just paper board but we have more than gotten our money out of them, and we have a ton of fun together.
She doesn't play with toys much. She mostly wants to be read to or will read a book to herself. She plays with toys for a few minutes and then moves on to something else. She has a few favorites that she plays with periodically through out the day. And she has a ton of stuffed friends all of which she loves dearly. The bed is littered with her stuffed toys which have to come to bed with us, and must all be near her in some way. There is an stuffed bear made out of Alpaca that my mother got for her that is a particular favorite, as it is very soft. She falls asleep most nights holding pink bear bear as she calls it. One sure way to ensure that she spends all day playing with her toys however is to put them away. If she wakes up and the toys have been put in the toy box... if there is clean space on the floor then she will take hours figuring out which toy would best fill that space. It is guaranteed!
I am amazed that any woman who has a toddler and is also in her ninth month of pregnancy survives. The floor is constantly cluttered with her toys. I can't breath if I bend over to pick them up so I don't, and I can't see them when I am trying to walk through the room so i trip over them. Ashlynn has also developed a need to at times be glued to my leg or her new favorite to use my legs like a tunnel and walk through them. Put that together with a dog that is right at knee level and a cat and then compound the issue by living in a house that is less than 500 sq feet and watch momma fall and then laugh. I am tripping over things continuously. I have stubbed my toe so many times that I can't even feel it any more. And my shins are a mass of bruises. Ashlynn and Dave think it is hysterical and laugh all day at me... I am so glad that I can do my part to keep them in stitches.
Alright enough bragging for the time being... there are so many things to tell you and so little time to do it in. But there are other days. And my daughter is doing nothing but marching forward to keep us filled with stories to tell you. So I won't run our of things to tell you. Right now she is faking a tantrum to make me feel bad for taking something away from her. She is going to be a great actress when she gets older let me tell you.

So the name of this child will officially be Taryn Anne. We had an extremely scientific poll on Facebook and there were 20 people who weighed in. 17 of the said twenty voted for Taryn. And as my Aunt Noreen pointed out no matter how we intend for Ainne to be pronounced it will invariably be pronounced Annie. With our last name that just won't do. Dave had been hiding the fact that he really had a favorite and when Taryn won out he was thrilled. Had I known it meant so much i wouldn't have gone to all the trouble... I thought both of them were equally as pretty. But Dave is not one to rock the boat if you know what I mean.
So Taryn Anne. Taryn is a combination of Tara and Erin... Tara being a place of great power and the mountain that the rulers lived on in ancient times.... Erin being the name for Ireland. Anne is for my mother, who was named for her Aunt Anne.... it is a bit of a family name... and Anne was chosen as the spelling because that is how my best friend spells it. So it is a nod to her as well. Anne also means graceful so it is a beautiful name to bestow on a child. So the A list has been broken... maybe that is a good thing. I do not know that the names go together as well as Ainne Roisin to make a statement or a meaning but it works. And I am pleased with the way that Taryn Anne sounds. There is something else that we didn't realize until all was said and done... but that is pretty cool especially as it happened accidentally. You see Ashlynn is the anglicized form of Aislynn... and Taryn was the name that we had chosen for our son Aidan should he have been a girl. So the coolest part of the names of our two daughters is that we have named each of them after on of our angels with out having to reuse the actual name. That sits real well with me. Real well indeed. Another coincidence that just happened is that Aidan Garrett's middle name was in honor of my father and Taryn Anne's is in honor of my mother.... some how we ended up with the same naming scheme for Taryn as we did for Aidan. Pretty cool if you ask me.
So we had an ultrasound today and I got a look at our little Taryn. She is a very big girl. She is already 7 lbs 8 ounces and with three weeks left to cook we are looking at a little big girl who is over 9 lbs. She is in the 80th percentile for growth and is measuring more like a 38.5 week baby. A fact that I could have told any one if they wanted to know... this kid is HUGE inside me. I have lost the mucus plug and I contracted 4 times in the 20 minute Non -Stress Test... so basically we are just waiting for her to make her appearance. The doc said that they would closely monitor my blood pressure and the baby's well being and if there was any indication we needed to we would go early. And of course if the baby goes for it and we go into labor we will go early. I think it is starting to be apparent that this pregnancy is wearing me out. But if nothing indicates a need and baby Taryn is patient we will be having this child on the 14th of July, and that will be a good day indeed. Especially if the baby is measuring like 42 weeks or so. We shall see. Both Dave and I are anxious for the party to get started and life to maybe flatten out for a minute or two. ( although a new baby is just a whole new can of worms!)
Dave will be taking two weeks off from the date that the baby is born. In a way we wish it could be three as I will be released 3-4 days after the baby is born and will have at least two weeks of down time and he will only be home then for about a week of that. The other side of that coin is that he doesn't get any paid leave time of any sort... so we are not really looking forward to the weeks that will come when there is no paycheck of any sort. But needs must and while two days off was plenty when Ash was born and was a tiny little baby.... two days won't hack it when we have a toddler who needs Daddy while Mommy is away and then needs care while mommy is incapacitated. There is a part of me that really wishes that they would allow me to try VBAC! But they made it clear that I am not a candidate for several reasons. And even if I were with a baby that is getting so big they would probably be talking C-section now anyways.
So the wait is still on. One day at a time... and these days are HOT HOT HOT! I am not sure that any of you will see me outside of the house until the baby is born at this rate. Unless someone has a pool that I can lounge in and then your on!
Stay cool and we will keep you all updated.

A list of things I love about my husband, or I am eating crow because he didn't like my last post!

Okay so to say that he didn't like it is perhaps wording it a little strongly... but he did not care for it much. I offered a retraction but we both agreed that wouldn't work because every word in the last post was true true true. Dave said as much. Dave actually enjoyed the post and said that it was well written and would be hysterically funny if written about someone else... but he feels that all of the things that I talked about (while true) are things that he tries very hard to keep hidden from the rest of the world. Now he believes that anyone who reads my post will see him as a lazy slob who can't get anything right. He consoled himself by telling me that it doesn't matter anyways because no one reads my blog. That hurts even if it is true. Well I then offered to write a post that mocked myself. But that got us into a gray area because from whose perspective do I write that from. If I write it from my own there is a chance that it could be a deeply introspective piece that explores the parts of myself that I would change. No one but me would be even slightly interested in that. So the answer then would be to write it from Dave's perspective... but the problem with that is that the things about me that drive Dave up a wall are not necessarily things that I find to be a problem. And while I was working out the outline of said blog in my mind I came to the conclusion that it wouldn't work very well. The reason being that while I am well aware of several of my little quirks that Dave finds intensely annoying or irritating or even affectionately exasperating about me, I am also aware of some of the reasons said behavior is there. For example Dave cannot stand that while we are trying to get out the door to go somewhere I ask him to do several different little odds and ends while I am doing several other. Mind you I do not ask that he do it all while I sit and watch him, just that he help me out a little. The thing is that with a child there are a million little things to see to ( from filling a diaper bag to making sure that shoes are on) before you can go out the door. Dave is not aware of those things or doesn't really care much about them so he doesn't see the point. Also Dave would prefer to take those moments to be outside smoking a cigarette because he knows that it would be smoked in the car with me and the baby over my dead body. So I suggest things that he can do to help us get out the door. He gets irritated because he has a different agenda. However I have been in the place where he is outside smoking while I am inside getting the kid ready the diaper bag ready myself ready and then am dragging the kid, myself, and the diaper bag out to the car while I am pregnant. I get into the car after putting the child into the car seat and all I want to do is scream. He gets in the car refreshed from a cigarette and in a good mood..... UMMMMMMM HELLO A little help would have been appreciated... so now I ask. It pisses him off... but then we are both pissed when we get in the car. So you can see how that particular post wouldn't work. The idea is to make my husband feel better, not to justify why I do all the annoying or exasperating little things that I do. And I would NOT be able to help myself. So instead I offered a post that would tell you some of the things I love the most about my husband......... I did warn him that this post would most likely end up being considerably shorter than the last one. ( I had to get that in after the no one reads my blog dig forgive me) So here it is. The things I love about my husband. Please keep in mind that this list is not intended to be all inclusive.
One of the things I do love about my husband is his sense of humor. He finds humor in just about anything... and he can help others to see that humor, if they are willing to. Sometimes it is off color, and often it leaves a person shaking their head wondering if he just SAID that. If it was Dave then most likely he did. He doesn't really pay much mind to appropriate time and place and I love that about him.... even when it puts me in a place that raises eyebrows. At our wedding reception in his hometown he told what seemed to me like his entire family that I was " his freak on a leash." Oh yes he did say that. And his cousin came up to me later to say that guys say all kinds of things when they are drunk not to worry. The thing is Dave wasn't drunk (YET) and he has said similar things to other people... NEVER to his family again, but still. Even when I am the butt of those jokes I LOVE that he is so irreverent. It helps me to be freer with him. And lets face it there is a lot of humor to be found in situations that are often times off limits. For example while I was pregnant with Ash they were building a funeral home down the block from us. I happened to remark while we were in the car with a friend that if they hurried we would be able to use them if this pregnancy went bad. The friend we were in the car with gave me a really awful look. Dave however thought it was hysterical and was wiping tears from his eyes from laughing. Given our history that should have been a big no no... but I am free to have as sick of sense of humor as I want to with Dave. HE GETS IT. HE LAUGHS WITH ME!!!!! Not to mention his mind is so dirty that I can be as dirty as I want to be and he gets it ( and probably already thought of it!) The thing is that it is hard to be straight laced all the time and the face that you show the rest of the world isn't the face you can show your partner... so when your partner is a goofball then you are free to be to. THAT is a remarkable gift, and I love that he gives that to me.
I love that he is so quick to admit that he screwed up. I can't do that very gracefully. I cannot stand being wrong or being on the wrong side of a bad situation. I take it extremely personal when I have screwed up and I am embarrassed for the rest of my life sometimes. There are things that I got into trouble for when I was in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL that still have the potential to make me want to climb under the table. Dave however shrugs off the embarrassment and moves on. He takes a deep breath and apologizes when he is wrong. That is another thing that I have trouble with... it is tough to apologize if you can't even admit that you were wrong with out abject embarrassment. I admire that trait in him so much. I watch awed as he shrugs and says that didn't work quite the way I planned and laughs at himself. I gasp in admiration when he says " Oops I'm sorry that wasn't what I had intended." With his help I am learning to be a little more open to the mistakes I make as lessons instead of failures. With his acceptance of the screw-ups that I have accrued along the road we have already traveled together it helps me to realize that he loves me even when I screwed it all up.... and that is where that fear of admitting to my mistakes comes from to begin with, the fear that if people see how flawed I am they will stop loving me. Dave loves me flaws and all... just as he expects that I will love him flaws and all! There is a freedom that comes with that acceptance that I have never known. I have started writing... even if it is a blog that nobody reads. And he encourages me to keep going. If I fail I do. I am not afraid that he will think less of me for it. I know that he won't find me lacking because I have learned a lesson and did not make it as far as I jumped.... but he will help me to get back on my feet to take the next jump, encouraging me as I try.... That is not to say that once the sting has worn off that he won't make fun of me... that is just how he rolls.
I love his remarkable sense of play. There is always some way to play in his eyes, and it never fails he will find it. Practical jokes or silly games, racing you to the end and cheating nothing is to juvenile for Dave. He is game for anything. A dare is a dare and done. If it looks like it might be fun he is already there. This has always been a ton of fun for me as me the quint-essential adult and I think I was born an adult. I was always weighing the risk verses the fun and taking into account whether or not it was permissible before I had any fun even as a kid. Yes I am the original wet blanket in a lot of ways. I prefer to say that I am cautious... but lets be real. When I am with Dave he has a way of helping me to throw caution to the wind for a minute or two... whether it be financially or physically or emotionally. That is not to say that the fun he has is always wise. There are a lot of times that his being a 12 year old boy is a very bad thing. When the impulse control switch that most of us has malfunctions and he shows our 18 month old that bouncing a rubber ball off of the dogs head is hysterically funny I am left shaking my head.And as I am trying now for the third week in a row to keep her from doing it the head shaking has turned into fist shaking. But the good has a way of slipping in with the bad. When we were getting dirty looks from the down stairs apartment and notices from the landlord that we were too loud when we would race up and down the steps however he helped me to see that sometimes you just have to be a kid. We weren't doing it at midnight and it was good clean fun. Not to mention as Dave pointed out she was probably just jealous that she wasn't having as much fun as we were, and there was no reason to stop having fun in the middle of the day! Fun just seems to find Dave... or maybe it is that he has a way of looking at everything that turns it into fun. When we first started dating I was often shocked by his spontaneity. He would at the drop of a hat say lets go for a day trip to Madison, and off we would go... plans be damned and then once there he would find something ridiculously expensive and spend the grocery money on it. Hard for me to wrap my brain around that, but somehow it always worked out for him and he would eat and he would have his fun purchase. We always did the shopping together because it was just more fun to be with each other. Why dread grocery shopping when you can laugh and joke through the entire chore and one person can always run back for something that was forgotten. This has had a tendency of us getting more than we planned on every time, but it is worth it when the time is spent together.
I love my husband because he sees me in all of my just woke-up nine months pregnant and miserable glory and still finds me attractive. He still comes on to me when I feel like I am a whale that got stuck on the shore. And it is entirely sincere. I see that in his eyes. They glow sometimes and I just know that he is looking at me and finding something that he sees EXTREMELY attractive at that moment. I love him because we went shopping when I was 5 months and a store clerk practically fell over herself to help him ( in ANY way she could) and was rude to me and then ignored me when I said we were fine thanks.... and he made it clear that I was his wife and then acted like he hadn't noticed the store clerks interest... until we got in the car and then he laughed over it. I love him because he doesn't pretend that he doesn't notice other women... but he comes home to me. I love him because I woke up one morning and he was just looking at me and then he said that I was the most beautiful woman that he had ever seen in the most sincere voice I have ever heard. I love him because he meant it. I love him because the picture of me that he points out as his favorite is always followed with the remark... " It's because you look so happy in that picture... you are so beautiful when you are happy!" I love him because I know that the beauty that he sees in my is not the beauty that will eventually fade with my age, but that he sees me when all of the masks have fallen away and he loves that person.
Let me leave you with one last story. It is one that I think will help you to see who he is and why I love this man so much. On January 17 2006 I delivered our daughter at 23 weeks. We fought hard for her life for two day but on January 19 2006 we walked hand and hand down a hall way to hold our daughter before we turned off the life support. I have never in my entire life felt like I did as we walked down that hallway. I felt as if I was going to my own death. But he walked with me step by step. That day was one of the toughest in my life, but I had many tough days since. But he walked with me on that day of days and every tough day that followed. In September of the same year we lost our son who was once again born early. Not an easy year for either of us, and a terrible experience for myself as it was my body that had let us down. It was not easy to not blame myself, and yet my husband never did blame me. I had some anxiety issues that cropped up after our losses. Different ones with each loss. When we lost Aislynn I had a hard time leaving the house with out Dave. In the middle of January he gave me his winter coat and I wore it when I would go out without him long past the time when it was cold. My mom repeatedly told me that I needed to give it back to him, but he wouldn't let me. He felt that I needed it and so he wore a coat that was far less warm so that I could have his coat. That little bit of security gave me a piece of mind that kept me sane. This man who I married gave me what he could to keep me from falling apart entirely. After we lost Aidan I had a similar issue, but it effected me differently. After I lost Aidan I could barely go into a store by myself, I was terrified that I would see a pregnant woman or a baby and would break down. At first I just would grit my teeth and do it anyways. But it got harder and harder. I thought that I hid it fairly well, but once again my husband knew that there was an issue and he went with me when I would go shopping. My mother also noticed and would go with me when shopping needed to be done and Dave wasn't free. I always had someone that went with me for a time frame there. Grocery shopping, Christmas shopping, Wal-Mart, Target. You name it. I was able to pull myself together in a few short months... but in those months I had a remarkable support system... and the basis of that support system was my husband. What is even more remarkable in my mind is that in those times he allowed me to see some of his own sensitivities and hurts and he let me support him when he needed it. We sheltered each other through the pain and the storm and we pulled through it together. That to me is more valuable than a seven figure salary. This man LOVES me, this man SUPPORTS me, this man is my rock, my everything. He has shared with me his own pain and he has sheltered me from the world when I needed it, he has let me shelter him from the world when he needed it. He has held my hand and walked by my side along a road that has been fraught with as many tragedies it seems at times as there have been triumphs. He has seen me at my level best, and he has seen me at the absolute worst and through it all he has looked at me the same in the same way, with the same amount of love and desire, the same respect and for that I love him.

The many faces of Dave Or HAPPY FATHER'S DAY BABY!

I have been scanning family photos into the computer so that I can easily access them. It is really paying off because Ashlynn can now point out and name both Codie and Keagan accurately by sight. That is something that makes my heart feel good.... and it brings a great big smile to Dave's face too. But at any rate I came across a couple of really good ones of Dave.... I mean some seriously good ones that make me laugh out loud. Ashlynn saw one of them and started giggling and said " Silly Daddy" Silly Daddy indeed... but you see that is one of the things that I love the most about her silly daddy. There is rarely a shortage of fun around Dave.


He is enough to drive any sane person crazy on a good day. He always leaves the windows down so the car gets rained on. He forgets just about every birthday that is important. ( he asked me today how old Ash would be this year at Christmas... it is not hard to keep track of two years!!!) He can't for the life of him call to make any appointment at all for himself... but he gets irritated when I make appointments and they don't fit into his schedule that he keeps in his mind. He goes to the doctor and tells them exactly what is wrong with him... and then wonders why they don't take his word for it. He is a handful! And I do mean a handful.
He is a pain to have around when you are the person in charge of keeping the house up. David starts removing clothes at the front door and leaves a trail through every room. He takes his wallet and his keys out of his pockets and leaves them willy nilly where ever they may fall... and then expects that I know where they are when he needs them. He cannot for the life of him rinse a dish. It is almost as if he has some kind of mental block about it. In fact he has a really really bad habit of putting bowls half full of cereal and milk in the sink and just leaving them. He NEVER puts paper down when he uses the clippers on his hair and indeed he then leaves all the hair clippings in the sink until I come along to clean them up. He is a menace. I have given up on the idea of a clothes hamper or basket for the dirty clothes... because invariably come wash day it would be empty and clothes would be every where around it. And there is no such thing as turning a shirt right side out... oh no. And if you think he is bad around the house you should see the sty that our car becomes during the week while he is going back and forth to work. Its enough to make a woman want to scream!


Yes Dave drives me crazy and I do mean crazy. He keeps me hopping and there is no doubt about that... but he keeps me laughing too. Through all of the crazy ups and downs that our life has seen he has created endless laughter. He can smile and light up a room. He plays as hard as a little kid ( and sometimes it is really hard to distinguish him from a little kid)! He gets Ashlynn giggling to the point that it is hysterical to watch and she loves every minute of it. He teaches her exceptionally bad habits and she relishes it. The boys used to also. They loved the time they spent with their daddy. He watched movies with them and played video games with them and they enjoyed every second of the time he gave them. This daddy who is more like a child! It has been frustrating having an infant with him.... he makes himself useless ( purposefully mind you yesterday when I asked him to dress her she ended up with two pairs of pants and no shirt ?!?!)... but as Ashlynn has evolved into a toddler I see the fun that is shapeing up for her with her daddy and it puts it into a little bit of perspective. And we all have to take the good with the bad.


It isn't easy being his wife! Half the time he is off on a jaunt with a new ideathat he is sure that he can create that will make our life that much easier. So I listen and try to help him with the design that he does in his head... even if the science of it glazes my eyes. That is the thing for a man who didn't get his GED until I helped him to in 2004 he has an AMAZING understanding of complex science that astounds me daily. When he is busy researching something he may spend every hour of the day on the computer with his back to the house. During those times he is my absentminded professor. Then once he is done he is in sharing mode and he needs to talk it out. So I am the sounding board for a genius and very often I can hardly keep up. During these times he keeps himself busy picking up toys or cleaning the desk top etc. But it is easy to see that his mind isn't fully engaged in anything but his thoughts as I watch him pick up toys and put one in the sink and the other on the counter. Then I see him pick up dirty clothes and put them in the toy box. The other day I watched as he was making a bean salad while talking and he closed the ziplock bag on the ham and dropped it behind the coffee maker only to then turn around and open the refrigerator to get the mayo out. Frequently it is my job to follow along after him to pick up what he has absently put "Away" We have lost entire meals that were just bought due to them being placed in the refrigerator rather than the freezer... and if you can't find the chips the only logical place to look is the refrigerator. ( You can see then why the house is always in an uproar with him around!)


So you say what do you love about him you've spent this entire post complaining about him. I suppose it seems that way... but all of this is something that I would gladly say to him... and often do. And while it may have seemed like I was complaining I hope that it was done affectionately. Because while it isn't easy to be his wife, it is worth it in a lot of ways. Yes I could perhaps spend my life with someone who is a lot more "TOGETHER" But how much fun would that be. Dave may not be organized enough to keep the house running smoothly ( trust me I can't do anything right now but make a baby and our house is FALLING APART AROUND OUR EARS!!!!) but he sure can make life interesting. More often than not he is willing to drop everything on a whim to have a little bit of fun. Almost invariably he is able to find fun in something that everyone else finds tedious. And then there is the sweetness that is so very much a part of him. If I am having a bad day he will come home from work with a treat or he will take Ash and send me away to go shopping. He loves me and NEVER for one second lets me believe that I am anything but EXTREMELY attractive to him. ( Even when I weigh more than him and can't fit through the doorway any more because of this kid!)He has a remarkable way with animals that never ceases to amaze me... and can nearly always make them friends in a matter of minutes. He is a twelve year old boy in a mans body who is as quick to admit that something wasn't a very good idea as he was to jump into trying it. We have supported each other through losses that no one should have to endure, as well as through triumphs that every one loves to celebrate. And through this all we have loved loved and I will say again loved each other. We have been silly, serious and sad together. We have been everything there is to each other... and we have been all there is in the world to each other. This is a man who gives his heart completely and loves in a big way. This is a man who is a wonderful father and a remarkable partner and while he exasperates me and pushes me to the limits of my patience he also always makes me laugh and makes me feel loved. There isn't another in this world who I have met so far that I would rather have by my side! So with out too much more to be said by me I am going to leave you with a montage of Dave photos... and you will see for yourself... this is a man who you just HAVE to love. I sure do! Happy Father's Day to all of you fathers and to the man I love best.... David Haynie.

Meet Abigail if you haven't already!

Hey everyone I wanted to take a minute to introduce you to our dog Abby if you haven't already met her. She is a good dog who at times lights up the dark with her personality and at times exasperates us with her behavior. We wouldn't trade her. For those of you who don't know she was a rescue and was treated EXTREMELY poorly by the people who had her before us. Though we cannot be sure her injuries lead the vet to believe that she may have been used as a bait dog for a local fighting ring. She is missing her right eye and part of her tail. She is also covered in scars though they are better now than when we first got her. When we first got her the scars were still missing the hair on and around them so they were much more visible. In the first week we had her we put eight lbs on her ( documented by her vet) and then in the two weeks after that we put an additional 12 on her.
We went to the animal shelter in search of a dog that they had advertised that only had three legs. Dave and I discussed it and were sure that no one would adopt her and we wanted to give her a chance. Besides the dogs that the animal shelter feature are the ones closest to no longer having a chance. When we got to the shelter we were shocked to find out that the feature they had ran had brought in more people than any other feature before and the three legged chow-chow had been adopted and literally hundreds of people had been in to look at her over the course of a week. We decided that we would look over the dogs anyways... because saving a life is saving a life. We looked over all of the dogs... both of us finding all of them to be dogs well worth saving. We even took the time to try to get to know a few. There was a pit bull boy named Happy that caught my eye and a girl named Cinderella that caught Dave's. But during our meet and greet with those two dogs they both were more interested in the other dogs in the cages and when we got them back to the visiting room were only looking to go back. We were about to leave when Dave said well there was one other that caught my eye. I looked at him and I said one for me too... He said which one... I said the really really skinny one ... and he finished on the end with only one eye? Yeah I said... that was the one I was looking at too. So we did a meet and greet with her... and low and behold that dog spent the entire meet and greet actually visiting with us. She was so excited to be with us and she climbed up into Dave's lap right away. She never even went back into the cage. She was ours from that second on.
Abigail has blessed our house. She keeps us safe ( even if it is sometimes only from chipmunks and squirrels) and she loves us all dearly. She is a second mother to our child and has often times stepped in to be the landing pad of a toddler who far too often isn't looking where she is going. She graciously deals with her ears being pulled and her one good eye being poked at. She has NEVER shown ANY aggression of any sort and has not even nipped during instances when I haven't gotten there in time and it seems you could justify it. She has been tripped over, fallen on, used to pull up on and stepped on. She has been a teether and has quietly sat as Ash has tried to dress her. The dog is a saint to those in our household and extended house hold. She has truly won the hearts of my family with her sweet nature. And yet this dog has also let us know when a friend was not a friend and as torn out of the house in the direction of a threatening sound in the middle of the night ready to tear an intruder limb from limb. While she greets us with a wag and a smile she will greet people she doesn't know with a far less friendly stance. And that is okay with us. She has stepped between myself and a strange dog... she has done the same with Ashlynn. She will bound over to play with my parents dog with nothing but fun in her heart. She is one in a million. And we count the day that we picked her up from the animal shelter among our luckiest.

Oh when oh when will our baby be here?

Yesterday we had one of our twice weekly appointments for the doc. Not terribly exciting except that I once again was contracting during the NST test. The determination of whether I was going home or to the hospital for a little bit was the status of my cervix. Which is shortening but is not yet to the point of nearly gone. The baby is however engaged, which means she is where she needs to be to be born. So who knows.
Last night I ended up calling Dave to come home early from work after contracting for three hours. Which he very graciously did... and he sat with me for another hour and a half while I continued to contract.... and then *POOF* the contractions disappeared. False labor. Didn't have a single episode of that with Ash. As a matter of fact had very few contractions other than the braxton hicks annoying ones. Last night was serious consideration of a trip to the hospital time. So the $100 question is : Will this child wait until July to be born? Considering that I am using two different medications to keep the uterus quiet and last week is the last week for both of them it is a valid question indeed. Today Dave and I went to Wal-Mart to pick up way too many prescriptions and a few things that we need around the house and I had two contractions in the 45 minutes that we were there. I got my shot yesterday... and I am now taking Procardia every four hours instead of every six. That isn't to say that I shouldn't be having this type of irritation of the uterus... it is completely natural. Any body want to take up a delivery date pool.... We may have the C-section scheduled... but Ainne seems like she may be a little bit impatient to see the world. My niece Ry was... She was nearly six weeks early....( which any one doing the math may notice is exactly where I am) and she was born the day after Ainne's due date.
By the way... as is the right of parents to be up until the baby is born.... Dave requested a name change for our little one. He is not fond or Roisin, and no matter how much I may like the name or the meaning I cannot force the issue when it comes to something as important as the name of his daughter. He wanted to look over other options. My mother suggested that we revisit the girl's name we had chosen for our son Aidan had he been a girl. Dave's eyes lit up when I said it. Taryn. He has always liked the name. So in the interest of ensuring that both parents are equally happy with the name of our child she will be either Ainne Taryn or Taryn Ainne.... we haven't fully decided the order... and if you have a strong feeling in one direction or the other please let us know. Because both of us like both options equally and we have both shrugged and said " which ever." That means that left up to us the final decision may be made by the individual who files for her birth certificate, as we are both people pleasers and tend to avoid making choices such as that. If we go with Ainne as the first name we have then named all of our children with and A name.... not on purpose mind you because if Aislynn had been a boy she would have been Liam if Aidan had been a girl he would have been Taryn... and if Ashlynn had been a boy we were thinking again of using Liam.... if this one had been a boy she would have been Rylan. ( Note we both love this name so much it hurts me to type it and realize that I am offering up a potential option to others and I will not be able to use it. *Sigh*) (Note to note... if this one surprises us and is a boy he will still be Rylan so all of you looking with interest at this name are not allowed to steal it until said baby has made her appearance and put all questions to rest.) At any rate as you can see... the only reason we have all A names is because of how the gender of said children fell. We seriously would have had a different outcome with names if the children had been of different gender. However at this late date with what has come to look like somewhat of a purposeful trend ( whether by intent or by accident) it seems like naming our youngest (because make no mistake this WILL be our last child I have already signed the papers!!! {even if I am a little sad that I will not have a boy to raise. I'm just not that sad!}) Taryn instead of Ainne takes away a symmetry that we have going. Granted you throw the names Codie and Keagan into the mix and it changes everything... but I had nothing to do with naming either of them... and Dave had nothing to do with naming Keagan. So that kind of takes those names out of the realm of OUR names if you get my meaning. Still I am open to naming the child Taryn... because I have always disliked cutesy naming. You know what I mean rhyming names or all of them starting with the same first letter... etc. Not to mention Ashlynn and soon to be newest member are the only LIVING children that we have so it changes things a little. And before I go too much further let me say that YES I know I am obsessing about something that is really stupid... but I have hormones racing through my blood right now that had me laughing and then sobbing this morning with in a five second time frame. NOT to mention I have a beachball stomache sitting on my lap and it looks like I am reduced to going for car rides and not even walking through a store for a couple of weeks here. ( This is Dave's edict as he was not too impressed by my having contractions in the middle of Wal-Mart... and though he wants the baby to come... he wants to wait until we are a little further along and that much closer to term!) So yes this disorganized litany about names is for right now about what I have when my daughter is sleeping.... unless you count facebook... and we really probably shouldn't even talk about my addiction to that. I have found literally HUNDREDS of friends and even long lost family on there. It is AWESOME. Not to mention there are games I can play that I just love. Long story, well I was going to say short, but lets be serious this is totally not short.... um I think I lost track of what I was going to say... oh wait that's right long story sort of long, I am going just a teeny bit stir crazy! I can't even take my daughter outside anymore. ( Yes I broke that rule over the weekend but DANG I guess thats just how I roll!)
Alright I apologize if you have made it this far and are wondering what has happened to rational me.... She will check back in later may be a while though. So I am going to add photos of the child that I have right now and hope that is sufficient reward for having to put up with seriously crazy ole me!

Memories

As we start taking Ash out to play on the climber and in the front yard etc... we are faced with a lot of unintended memories. Hidden beneath the climber where no one could see until exploring hands seek them out are all kinds of treasures that were left there from a time that seems long ago. As she brings up Keagan's toy sword and Codie's holster for his guns we are inundated with thoughts of children we love from a distance. As she holds up a treasure of Hot Wheels that had almost been buried in the front yard we ruefully smile as we think on the yesterdays that we miss so much. I have never touched on the issue of the loss of Codie and Keagan in my blog. In fact we rarely touch on it at home, other than remarking on memories or the likeness of Ashlynn to Keagan. The truth is that for both Dave and I it is a painful topic. The decision that was made to release custody of them was one that was complex and painful. The events that led up to said choice are even more painful, and memories that we don't like to revisit. Still it is a chapter of our life that neither of us can ignore or forget.
I started dating Dave in 2001 and we started getting the boys for regular visitation in 2002. We released the custody of the children in 2007. That gave us five years of working at being a family. Five years of birthdays and Christmases. Five years of summer day trips and visits to church together. It gave us five years that though fraught with the frustrations of a blended family were also filled with the joy of loving each other. In the five years I cradled Keagan and rocked him to sleep. I helped Codie with his homework or crafts. I was the "mother" when they were at our home. Often Codie would come to me with sensitive issues that he didn't know who else to talk to about. We, in many ways, communicated very well. Often Codie would say or do things that said that he resented my presence in his life. Its tough being a kid and seeing your family torn apart and then Dad finds someone else... why couldn't he still be with mom. Keagan and I had an easier relationship. He couldn't remember a time when I was not in his life... and so he accepted it as the way it was and should be.
The one thing that was a certainty from our end is that those boys were loved, more than loved adored. So when things started happening that showed us that the enmity between mom and dad was starting to effect the boys, we tried very hard to minimize that. We tried in what ever way we could. We started standing up for our rights and went to court. We started picking up the children in a neutral location. We did everything that we could with in our power to slow down what felt was the destruction of our relationship with the boys. We tried very hard to ensure that the time in our house was focused on fun and that our words and actions with them were caring. We did so in the hopes that when push came to shove our actions would speak louder than any words that could be said on either side. We tried very hard to respond as positively as we could to comments that would come from the children that were questionable Ex. " My mom says that you lie all the time, and that you never got a black belt in Tae Quan Do." To which we responded that Dave did indeed earn a black belt, and that fact could be verified by either Grandma or Grandpa. Or " My mom says that if you ever paid her the child support that you owed her, she could get us a computer." To which we responded that a set amount of child support was taken from Dave's check each week agreed upon and ordered by the courts. None of these were conversations that we felt were appropriate to have with a child, but once faced with the questions we felt that we had to address them. When we sat Codie down to get to the bottom of some allegations that were made in court that were in our opinion dangerous to our own life ( Ex. that we allowed the children access to X-rated material or that we "made" them sleep on the floor) we were stunned when Codie cried out in a desperate voice finally, " You don't know what it is like. We come home and she sits us down and she asks and asks and asks until we say something about you" We had no clue that this was happening to the children and we were appalled that they had to go through this... but what real power did we have to stop it. Then it all came to a head immediately after that visit, when DCFS was called because, according to the report, we "knowingly with-held and would not allow " Codie to take his medication. We made the tough call that we would stop insisting on our rights to visitation with the boys, hoping that would alleviate some of the stress that was being placed on the boys. The allegations were found to be false and the investigation was closed. But the effect was that we had successfully been removed from the lives of the boys in every way except financial.
When push came right down to shove it had become clear that all of the fighting was having an extremely detrimental effect on the children. When Codie called and told his father that he wanted to be adopted by his mother's new husband, there is little question that it broke Dave's heart. I was here when the phone call came. I was here and I watched Dave cry after he hung up the phone .... it has happened only two other times in our marriage both times at the funerals of our children. It took Dave two weeks to make the decision that would change our lives forever, and they were not an easy two weeks nor was it a decision that was made lightly. I, as his wife, could only stand by and watch him agonize. When he finally made the phone call and agreed to the adoption, it was not an easy call. It also was not the end of his agony... just the end of the indecision. On March 5th 2007 David signed the papers to hand his children off. Less than six months after the death of our son, only a year and a month after the death of our daughter, he took the monumental step to release the only other children he had. It was devastating to him, and the stress of the choice put him in the hospital within a week with a chronic condition he has that seems to be aggravated by stress. While we have come to terms with the fact that the choice made was indeed the right choice, it is still a choice that haunts him. Especially as we were never able to discuss the decision with the boys, and so never able to explain or ensure that they knew that the choice was made out of love.
Make no mistake, this choice WAS made out of love for those boys. Children should not have to focus on the disagreements of their parents, at any age. What happens between two adults should stay with those adults: PERIOD. When you are young your focus needs to be on running and playing, school and chasing girls, not my mom says such and such about my dad and I should hate him for it, or vice-versa. The adults in the situation are just that, adult and should behave as such! They should deal with each other in a responsible way that will not turn a child against the "other parent" That being said, we hoped that since we could not create a responsible situation of shared custody and a shared life, that by removing ourselves from the situation entirely the boys could have some semblance of a normal life. I do not claim that we handled every situation with the boys in the best way possible. In fact, I will be the first to say that in many ways we could have handled a lot of things in a different and perhaps more effective manner. We often wonder if there were different choices that we could have made that may have created a different outcome. It is neither here nor there now, as this is the outcome that we have.
So why do I tell this story and dredge up what seems like ancient history you ask. There are a few things. One: we have a ton of really really good memories of those boys. Memories that as my daughter gets older and more able to comprehend I want to share with her. She has two brothers and she looks more like one of them every day. Some day those children may come back into our lives as adults and when they do so I want her and her sister to know about them. Secondly: some day one of the boys may stumble on this blog and maybe this explanation will have answers that they never knew they needed to find. Maybe they will read this and know that the actions that we took were not selfish... but a decision agonized over and made out of love. Perhaps it is just that I need to be able to get this part of the story off of my chest so that I can move on to the much happier part of sharing the memories that we have of the boys. Perhaps it is a selfish need to put out there to the world that though we made this choice we didn't do it because we wanted to and that we feel guilt over the choice nearly every day even as we become more certain that it was the right decision. Most likely it is a mix of all of it. But from this point forward, every now and then I am going to offer up photos of Codie and Keagan that I have been scanning into the computer and I am going to share a few memories that we have in the hopes of perpetuating the love that we still have for them. And maybe just maybe it will work in our favor when those children are no longer children and they come to see us. I can show them written documentation of the love and memories that we have kept alive.

If I could talk to the animals.... just imagine it!

Oh we had the nicest time outside today. While Daddy mowed the lawn Ash and Mommy played and played and played... in a tame way so as not to cause problems with baby 2. Ash is starting to get the idea that she can play the same way outside that she does inside. For the last few months outside has been endless exploration moving quickly from one thing to another... and when your yard is as big as ours that is a lot of foot work. This time however while we were out we went from one play area to another exploring that area in depth and then actually playing. She asked to be put into the swing this time.... however balked once there. So we are perhaps a step closer but as I said we will not push that. With the recent ( and seeming interminable) rain it was wet and muddy in a lot of places so my child looked like a mud pie long before she was thinking that it was time to stop playing... and as I am a go ahead and get dirty kind of mom, I didn't dream of stopping her. Digging in the dirt plays a huge part in building up that immune system that she is still building, so I say let her rip. And Ash did. She is not a fan of dirty hands however so I spend a lot of our time outside helping her to get her hands clean again.
I have voiced a request and Dave agreed that within the next few weeks here we need to get me a big comfy lawn chair and Ash a wading pool, a swim suit, swimming diapers, and toys toys toys for said wading pool. As it has yet to reach 70 today not such a great day for it... but July and August are coming... and after the baby is born I can sit with said new child in shade and still manage to play with Ash. We have a great little activity bouncer for outside with mosquito netting that I got from my cousin that we never got to use for Ash... because by the time we could have used it she was sitting up, pulling up and otherwise moving towards toddlerhood and it would have been dangerous. I almost gave it away.... and then low and behold. Some times there is a plan that we just don't see right away.
While Daddy was mowing he took out a rabbit nest that was full of baby bunnies. I am sorry to say that only three of them made it out.... however Daddy was able to catch two of said three and we introduced Ash to the bunnies. I held one and Dave held one and Ash was enthralled. So much so that it was really hard on her when we let them go. We had considered keeping them, but they were old enough that they would never really have been tame... and as we were walking to the house with them we saw mommy bunny looking for them... We did the right thing and returned those bunnies to their mommy. It was absolutely awesome to watch my young daughter as she reached out and pointed out eyes and nose and ears, repeating over and over "gentle bunny gentle" and she pet them. She went back and forth from the one I held to the one that daddy held and was in heaven. I had not brought out the camera so there are not any photos of these moments... and it is as always Murphy's Law. I thought of the camera as I was close to the house... but Daddy was busy mowing and I didn't want to leave Ash to run and get it... and besides I reasoned there are only so many pictures that anybody wants to see of the same thing different outfit. I guess my lesson is learned.
This is not the first time that we have introduced Ashlynn to mother nature. Dave has a remarkable way with animals and has caught many that he has brought for her to meet. Some she has been allowed to touch others not so much. She has been up close and personal with a squirrel, a possum ( I was worried he would get bit for that one), and a baby raccoon. I have also caught a couple of snakes that we have introduced her to, and we got a preying mantis that she was not impressed by. We are both of the firm belief that this is a good thing for her, and we will continue such encounters as they present themselves. Every child is different, and so we were not expecting any one type of behavior out of her and even prepared if need be for a little fear. Instead we got fascination and curiosity and then anger and hurt when the experience was over before she was ready for it to be. We are thrilled that there was not a fear reaction! Fear would have been understandable and for some children the natural reaction and may be the reaction that our next daughter has... but with Ash it looks like we may just have a nature lover.
Several of the books that we have deal with the Zoo. And those are some of her favorites. She can correctly identify and name Elephants, giraffes, hippos, seals, bears, monkeys( her personal favorite), and Zebras. As well as the smaller counterparts of mouse, bunny rabbit, squirrels, frogs, snakes, and birdies ( and if you say parrot she will tell you that a parrot is a birdie) in the wild and sheep, cows, pigs, ponies, roosters ( though all chickens are roosters except baby chicks and all say cock-a doodle ( no doo), and goats. She can also make the sounds of all of the animals that make sounds.... except the elephant because mommy just can't come up with a good way to make an elephant trumpet sound. Animals animals animals... she loves them. It seems whether they are stuffed or alive. Dave and I have planned that the weekend after I am released post partum we will take her to the Zoo. Until then Mommy wouldn't be able to make the trip. However there is a nearby farm that we will visit soon that has goats and horses... and there is a peacock farm owned by a friend that we have discussed visiting... as well as a little place near us called The Children's farm. As you can see we are happy to encourage her love of animals!
So I don't have any pictures of today and I apologize for that.... it disappoints me too... but the pictures that are posted with this are less than a week old, and I hope that looking at recent photos of our future zoologist!

8 years

8 years ago Monday... I went on a blind date. 8 years ago on Tuesday said blind date called me and asked me for a second date, we went for a walk and shopped to pick up a father's day gift for my father that afternoon. ( he called me before noon I was impressed) 8 years ago today he asked if he could take me out for lunch and 8 years ago tomorrow he did so. He kissed me on the first date... and tried to get in my pants.... I held him off.... he said he respected that. He kissed me again on the second date and you guessed it, we kept that up for awhile... he said that it built up the suspense ( but don't ask him now because he has himself winning on the third date we all know though that I have the better memory). Three weeks into dating we realized that we knew each other as children.... and the tune to X-files played in the background... no literally we were watching X-files we did that every Sunday evening at his apartment followed by my beating his pants off at Tetris worlds repeatedly. He took me shopping on State St in Madison for my birthday that first year and got me the most incredible outfit that I have ever owned. He told me it was because he liked my style so much and it reminded him of me. It cost him well over one hundred dollars and I know because I looked at the outfit and realized that each peice was sold separately and not one peice was less than fourty dollars, some were much more and it is a three peice outfit.The first time he told me he loved me I ignored him all together... because I didn't know what to say. Later that night he said it again... and I told him that I didn't know what to say. We left it at that... but the next day it bothered me so much I had to leave early to go and tell him that I loved him too. We moved in together in October of that year... and we were children all the time. We would race each other up to our third floor apartment. He cheated everytime... because I was faster I would get ahead of him and he would simply pick me up and put me at the bottom of the short flight of stairs we were on. We were spontaneous and carefree. He asked me to marry him when we had been together a year... before I had met anyone in his family. We finally got married four years later.
So is 8 years a long time or a blink of an eye. Sometimes it seems like it has been both. A lot has happened in those eight years. We have had some of the best moments two people can have in a lifetime... we have had some of the worst. We have triumphed together and celebrated... we have failed and supported. We have faced tragedy and we have turned our backs to the world to wait out the storm together. We are best friends... we are at times worst enemies. We fight, we make up, we fight again. We try to figure out what it is that we want most in the world and how to get there together.
There is no doubt that we have had trials in our lives together. We have mourned the death of not one but two babies and a miscarriage together. We have mourned the loss of his two boys through other means. We have celebrated the safe birth of our daughter and we have shared the joys of watching her grow. We are in the midst of surviving a difficult pregnancy for our second daughter... and we are trying like hell to keep it all together. These trial have changed us both. In some ways for the better... and in some ways for the worse. We are still both of us pulling our way out of the pit that we fell into together when our world started crumbling four years ago. We are trying to help each other. And while it seems that the successful birth of a child would have wiped those pages clean it does not. Not really. It gives us something to smile at now... but it does not erase the pain that is indelibly marked on our hearts for the loss of four children in a year and a half and it does not change the uphill battle we have to put our lives piece by piece back together. But we work every day at making a move in a positive direction.
We have grown Dave and I. Not always in the same direction but we seem to find our way back to that same direction. He is unquestionably my best friend in the world. He makes me laugh when there doesn't seem to be a thing to laugh at. He helps me to stay centered and tries like hell to help me to shrug off worry. I keep him on a forward moving path and interject a little bit or reality at times when he doesn't want to be troubled with the details. He spends all the money until it is gone and can't be worried by the consequences. I budget for the future and rail at him when he spends away my budget. He always makes plenty of room for fun... and lets the chips fall where they may. I am always seeing things that need to be done... and am frustrated when I am not able to get it all done and then pissed at him because he is having fun. He is sure that it will work out somehow, it always does. I am constantly working to make sure that it does work out. He shrugs off worry and guilt as worthless emotions. I am kept up at night and stopped from eating by both emotions on a regular basis. With so many opposites it makes you wonder how we work at all. But the thing is that while we approach nearly everything from absolutely different angles... we help each other to see the validity of the other persons approach.
For the last couple of years Dave and I have been struggling with those differences. And it only got worse when a child was introduced into it all. The 19 months that Ash has been with us have been the toughest in our relationship... as we grapple with the new roles that we have to play and the seeming imbalance that children cause in a relationship. We have had fights from hell. We have both threatened to leave. We have discussed separation. We have both rejected the idea only to start the whole cycle over again with the fights from hell. But one thing always becomes clear to us.... WE DON'T WANT TO BE APART. So we rebuild, reconnect, and remember. We remember what it is that we like and love about each other. We remember what life was like before we felt like our souls were soaked in misery. We remember that once the labels of mother, father, husband, wife, breadwinner and homemaker fall away we are Dave and Melissa... best friends.
Dave's stepmother Donna once said to me, " There is such a sweetness in David under the surface, just be careful of that." The truth in that statement is so deep it cannot be touched. There is a sweetness in Dave. There is that little boy wanting nothing more than to please the person that he holds dear. He hides it well. He is cocky and arrogant or gruff and grumpy depending on which protective method he thinks will work the best. But in the 8 years I have been with him I have seen that sweetness come out and it awes me every time. He is a man of great depth, for all that he tries to appear simple. He is an amazing individual and it is that man that I love and have married. It is that man that I use to remember why I am where I am and with whom I am with. There is little question that it is not always easy to be his wife. In fact it is very difficult at times... but I wouldn't change it, not really. And when I am not contemplating setting him on fire.... I would walk through fire for him! So here is looking at another fifty years, and looking back and saying "Wow we made it!"

Houston we have a date!

Yes a date that our little Ainne will join the ranks of our family... We do indeed have a date.... as long as she is a patient miss and waits for said date. We all know that babies do not always wait until they are told..... HOWEVER if she has not decided that she wants to start the show early... then she will make her appearance on July 14, 2009 at 7:30 in the morning in the labor and delivery operating room at RMH. Dave is over the moon! and so am I to have a date that we can look forward to now.
It is a good thing that this child will be a repeat C-section as when they measured me today I was measuring 37 1/2 weeks along. This child is going to be a larger little girl. Of course there is the plus or minus 20% from the sizes that we are given off of the ultrasound.... and the ultrasound tech Lecia also reminded me that it is harder to give a good weight on babies that have a lot of chub to them, because fat weighs less than muscle. So there is no real way to tell what she will weigh until she is born. If she is all muscle... and I can tell by looking at her little cheeks that she IS NOT, than she could be over 10 lbs.... if she is all roly poly then she may be more like 9 lbs. I personally am hoping for the 9 lbs. though truth be told all I truly want in this world is for my little girl to be born healthy. Aside from that I am not going to be asking for too much more.
We just got the paper work done for Dave's leave from work. He will stay home with me at the very least from the date that the baby is born until 2 weeks after that. The rest of the 6 weeks post partum he has asked to work a reduced schedule so that he can be home to help to put Ash to bed and what have you. I am so grateful for this for two major reasons. One dealing with Ash after a C-section will be difficult... and as they restrict everything for two weeks after the surgery it makes sense to have Dave there to help me. Then to have him home early to adjust to the bedtime routine especially will be nice for a couple of weeks until we have settled into a routine and Ash is more used to having a baby in the house. The other reason that having Dave home is so important to me is that with Ash he went back to work the day after she was born. He didn't have any real time to get to know his daughter. I think that it is important that Daddy have a bonding time with baby as well as mommy. And so with Ainne he will be there for two weeks ( with the option of the third) and hopefully will have a real opportunity to get to know his daughter. This is our last child and I want Dave to have as much chance as possible to enjoy the birth of this child. He and I spoke just the other day about the birth of Ash and he admitted to me that it was a little bit of a letdown to have to be to work the next day and that he wished that he could have spent a little more time with Ash and that it could have been a special time for him as well. That made me want to cry... though I suspected that it might have been that way for him. Water over the dam and nothing to be done but make sure that doesn't happen again. So we have taken steps to ensure it won't.
We are a little bit nervous as he will not get paid for the time off.... and the logical thing to do would be to save money now to make up for lost pay then.... but that is always easier said than done. Like most people we live from paycheck to paycheck and like most other people we don't do it so very gracefully. At the end of the week we are usually looking at how to stretch the last dollar a hundred feet or so. And we also have left a lot of the baby prep until the last minute. I garage saled a lot of clothes so we are mostly okay there.... but we still have a lot of stuff to get.... You know little things like burp cloths and receiving blankets ( I used a lot of Ash's um for bibs I read it on the internet and when I wasn't pregnant it sounded like a GREAT idea.... two months later I realized I would have to buy them all over again. Hind sight is always 20/20. Oh well) and then the big things like we need a new crib ( The Ashlynnator made it clear that the one we have just won't make it through another baby LOL) and a tandem stroller and car seat bases. So saving isn't really in our near future. We will make it I am certain... because if there is one thing that I have learned it is that God will provide. So we are taking a deep breath and taking a step back from worry. I am sure that if we eat beans and rice for two weeks.... we won't even notice once we have a new baby in our arms.
Speaking of preparations though.... I feel like I am a million years behind where I need to be. I have Dave take the baby clothes out of storage... and I start to go through them... i get sidelined by Ash and then he takes the whole lot back to storage to make life easier. This scenario has repeated itsself several times.... and each time I tell him that we NEED to get all of this done. He shakes his head and says "It will we have plenty of time" but when I look at the calendar I see less than two months with time steadily ticking AWAY from us. I keep saying we need to start buying packs of diapers for the new baby when we get them for Ash... and then we run short and he says there is time to stock up . But with only six weeks left and me having to be on meds for contractions ( for only another three weeks after that they stop them and let my body decide) I think that he is totally bonkers. If we keep it up this way.... he will be running out to buy diapers after we bring the baby home. My mom commiserates with me and tells me about how my brother Brenden's coming home outfit was bought by my father while she and Bren were in the hospital. It is just a little harder she says with the second and third. Never a third here ... but I am getting what she is saying. And speaking of coming home outfits... um yeah well we don't have one yet... of course not sure what size we should be buying as newborn seems a little chancy. But again I am trusting that even if I don't know what the plan is there is a divine plan and we will watch as it unfolds and I will feel silly for worrying. Seems like every time I worry the end result is the same.... I have worried and lost sleep over these things.... and what ever happens happens anyways.... I wish in some ways I could take a page out of Dave's book. He NEVER worries.... and it drives me bonkers as I am worrying about everything.
In a few short weeks our life is going to be turned upside down... AGAIN. It was such a wonderful upside down with Ashlynn... and I am sure it will be with Ainne too. I am so looking forward to meeting my new daughter. I can hardly wait to see who she is and what she will be like. So now I have a date that I will meet her on. I am over the moon and terrified. Yes I have been through it all before but this is a new one... and will be added to a family with a toddler.... I am going to be a mommy of two... and how pray tell me am I supposed to do that... I fly apart at the seams half the time with ONE. So here we go loppty loo.... and on the 14th of NEXT MONTH... we will no longer have the questions... instead we will have the baby.