to nap or not to nap

I broke down and did it today. I let my baby "cry it out" rather than trying to coax her into sleep. NEVER AGAIN! I sat at the computer riddled with guilt listening to her cry, needing almost physical restraint to keep myself from going to her. Twenty minutes later just as I was about to give it up she fell asleep exhausted from crying. So here I am after she has fallen asleep wondering what makes that an excepted way of putting a child down for a nap. I am officially stressed and we won't even go into the guilt level that I have.

A is not an easy napper. She has a tendency to cat nap. Waking after 45 minutes not willing to be coaxed back to sleep. That would be fine if it weren't for the fact that she is grumpy quickly after a catnap and we are back to trying to take a nap. In essence I am then trying to put her down for a nap all day long. There are two tried and trues: If I lay down with her and going for a ride. I don't have to lay with her for the entire time just long enough that she is deeply asleep. That is the key though she has to be deeply asleep and that takes a while sometimes. I have done things like taking a book in or my latest needlework project, but the bed isn't terribly comfortable for sitting. Not to mention the little demons in my head get to telling me about all of the house work that I haven't gotten done. With the price of gas ( and the fact that we are a one car family) going for a ride is neither prudent nor at times possible. So we are left with mommy bedding down with A.

I went to the Internet for inspiration, guidance, help, perhaps just commiseration. All of the websites seems to repeat over and over that you should just let them cry it out and that it will be a done deal in a couple of days, weeks at the most. So today I thought that I would try it. I sat for twenty minutes trying not to feel like the worst mother in the world as my dear one cried brokenheartedly, or at least it seemed that way to me. Just as I was about to give in and run to her begging for her forgiveness she fell asleep. But she was so exhausted that rather than looking like a sleeping angel, she appeared to have gone through a war. Her face was red and blotchy and her breath kept hitching like she was still thinking about crying. Egad! What Had I done to my child. Granted my time is a little constrained and nap time would be the perfect opportunity to get a few things done... but at what cost. Not to mention once she is deeply asleep I can get up if I want to. When I nurse her down and lay with her she looks truly at peace. My only worry is that on my bed I have to place pillows around her to ensure she doesn't roll off... but I check on her constantly, so she has no time to get into any trouble.

Here's the thing. I have worked for 5 months ( tomorrow) to convince that little angel that I will answer when she calls. I have jumped to her every need as fast as I can. It hardly seems fair to wean her off of that idea as soon as it has been fully established. That is not to say that I can't take a moment or two to go to the bathroom, but "crying it out" for 15-20 minutes seems cruel. Especially when you are the one listening to the cries. And what does it cost me as a mommy when I lay down with her. About 30-45 minutes. A few more than what it took to have her cry it out, and they are far more pleasurable. Not to mention what type of association do I want my daughter to have with nap time: abandonment or security.

No, I will never again leave my little girl to cry it out. I feel wretched that I did so to begin with. And while I recognize that many are not given the option, I have it. My husband and I are making great sacrifices so that I can stay at home with our daughter for at least the first year. I am going to make those sacrifices worth it. The dishes could get done if I weren't in the bed with my daughter... but I'll tell you a secret: they didn't get done anyways as I sat on my hands trying to keep myself from running to her. This way at least I have a solid excuse for the dishes not getting done, at least one a little better than I was under emotional duress.... that one sounds hollow even to me.

Hey ma watch me grow!

Our little angel turned 21 weeks old today. In the 21 weeks that she has been here she has doubled her weight and added 6 inches in height. Gone is the fragile looking little scrunched up package we brought home from the hospital that I could hold for hours without noticing the weight. In her place is a sturdy infant who always has her hands stretched out towards the world and weighs enough to cause a perpetual back ache for Mom.

I'll be honest I miss the newborn sometimes. I miss holding my cuddly girl who snuggled perfectly into my neck, and would happily spend hours there asleep. Now though I get to hold a wriggly girl who won't sit still on my lap for longer than a few minutes. I miss the quiet time where we could spend an hour just looking at each other. Now, though I get to watch as she spends hours looking at the world around her and reaches out to take an active part in it. I miss the tiny little mews that she would make while she was sleeping. Now I get to hear as she mimics the sounds of the world around her and rewards me with a laugh and a grin or chastises me with a holler or squeal.

For every thing that I look back on fondly there is something new and wonderful to take its place. I would not trade my wriggly little girl who is stretching towards the world to keep my snuggly little girl whose entire world comprised of me. Soon, I will loose that little girl on the world and watch her first toddling steps turn into a run. I will not stay those running feet, no matter how much I will want to hold on to her. I will instead let go and rejoice in the progress that she has made. My job as a parent is to help my daughter to push her limits and by doing so expand her horizons, and I take my job very seriously. Hopefully I will be able to teach her that when she runs into a wall she needs only to find a way over or around the wall and her world will be bigger for it. Every day she has a new and different skill, and with each new skill my little girl changes. Each change leaves something behind. So I watch with delight as she learns new things, even as I sigh every now and then missing what is now memory.

20 weeks

20 weeks. When you say it that way it sounds like so little time. But when I look back, it is as if she has been with us for ever. 20 weeks half of the time that I was pregnant with her. So much has changed in those few weeks. So many things learned. In 20 weeks I have learned the real meaning of TRUE LOVE. I have watched with my husband, who is as star-struck as I am, as my daughter has learned to smile and hold her head up. I have heard her first laugh and laughed with her as I cried. I have smelled her head a million and a half times and I have kissed her little head a billion times. I have thanked God more times than there is a number for. I have learned to appreciate that I am one of the most blessed people in this world. I have cried more happy tears than sad tears. I have become more certain that I can handle motherhood... at the same time wondering how I am going to survive it. I have learned what happiness is, what contentment is. I have watched my relationship with my husband grow deeper than I had thought possible. 20 weeks: so few... so many.

I learned the value of 20 weeks once before. I learned as I sat in a hospital praying at 20 weeks pregnant that I wanted 20 more. I learned that 20 weeks is not so very long at the heart of it. I cried tears of sadness that still mark my soul. I delivered Aislynn at 23 weeks. I held her for 15 short minutes in the 2 days that she lived. I delivered Aidan at 20 weeks. He was held for his entire life by someone who loved him dearly. I wanted 20 more weeks for both of them. I prayed for it. I learned what 20 weeks can mean. After we lost our little ones my soul felt forever barren. I wasn't sure that I would recover. I was lost. 20 weeks after I lost my little boy... I got pregnant with my little girl. 20 long weeks. 20 short weeks.

I have been blessed in a way that many others in this world haven't. Having learned the value of 20 weeks, I have been conscious of the passing of each and every one of those weeks. My daughter reaps the benefits of my previous lessons. I have lived every day of these 20 weeks with my little girl sweeping everything else aside to rejoice in her. We have gloried together in this new and different world that she has come to. She has helped me to slow it all down and take it all in. She has taught me to stop worrying about the dishes and take a minute to play. She has shown me that 20 weeks is long enough to fall madly in love. 20 exhilarating weeks. 20 glorious weeks.

Calgon Take Me Away!!!

I love every thing about being a mother. I love everything about being A's mother specifically. I love everything about being a wife, in particular D's Wife. But in the 19 weeks that I have been a mother and the 2 1/2 years that I have been a wife I have come to terms with something that I think every wife and mother does eventually: I have no time for ME! My mother nodded knowingly when I mentioned it and said " It doesn't get any better any time soon honey... but at least soon it becomes a part of you and is what makes you happy." In talking it over with my Granny she said " I have not ever been bored for a single second since my first child was born. As a matter of fact I have learned how to truly appreciate every single second of relaxation I have gotten." ... sigh... I guess I was looking for something a little more like " Oh it gets better you will have plenty of time for yourself when she is a little older."
I adore my daughter... She has the best smile that I have ever seen on a human being PERIOD. She laughs and squeals with excitement and makes me smile and laugh and thoroughly enjoy each and every second of my time with her. I can't say that I have moments to sit around and huff about how I don't have anything to do. As a matter of fact, I can't seem to get it all done. I have always prided myself on my organizational skills. I have always managed to fit it all in somehow. Multi-tasking was my middle name. But now it seems that I can't seem to balance all of the balls in the air anymore. If I manage to be the mommy that I need to be and the keep the house in order than I have zero time for myself and feel totally stressed with in a week. If I take some time for myself to read a few pages of a book or sit quietly and stare at a wall than something else falls apart. Either I am ignoring my child ( or I feel like I am) or my house is falling apart at the seems. I drop the ball somewhere no matter how hard I try. And I am a housewife. I would be a complete basket case if I had to work outside of the house too.
I long sometimes to go back... for just an hour or two.... to the days when I was single and carefree. Back to the days when I could spend all day knitting or reading and I didn't have to make excuses for it. I long to be able to take enough time in the shower to shave my legs again. I would love to have the free time to go and take a hot bath. Or how about this.... go into the bathroom with a book. Dave ambles in with a magazine and comes out 20 minutes later. I rush in with a prayer that she will be entertained and usually end up crooning " Its okay baby, Mommy's coming" at the top of my lungs as I am rushing out. I dream of having the body that I had when I was single. You know the size 5 and able to wear a bikini with pride. These days I dread the idea of anyone seeing me in an over sized tee-shirt and extra large sweatpants. And though I am back in my pre-pregnancy clothes and I am lighter than I was before I got pregnant you would have a hard time proving it.
So I am coming to terms with the new me. The me that has a husband and a baby. I am realizing that I may never be able to read a book in one sitting again or strike off at a whim to go for a hike. But like my fortune from dinner said last night " Your happiness is based on your outlook on life." So I am also ultra-aware of the fact that I can't make it an hour away from the two of them with out wondering what they are up to and worrying if she is missing me. being a wife and mom is exercise in opposites; it is a busy and heartwarming, exhilarating and stressful, and fulfilling and exhausting job.... that I have been so blessed to have been offered. So when I am at the end of my patience and missing myself of old.... I look at one of them. I see the light in my husbands eyes when he sees me, despite the baby changes. I see the impish little grin on my daughter's face and I know that I am so happy that I could burst, even while I am a little sad that what was a selfish and idyllic time of my life is over. I just wish sometimes that I had taken better advantage of it while I had the chance. But the rewarding gifts that my new life offer make up for every one of the sacrifices that I make. Its all in how you do the math.... counting your blessings or subtracting your losses. I always did like addition better.

Laughter: food for the soul

You'll never guess what A[shlynn] started doing yesterday. She laughed! Her first ever. I blew raspberries on her tummy after changing her and she laughed. I could hardly believe it. So like any other parent in the world I then tried to get her to do it again..... and tried and tried and tried. After 30 minutes of trying to get a laugh and getting that quizzical look that only infants and dogs can give you, I gave up. I finally decided that it was a figment of my imagination and got her and myself dressed and went over to my parents, where Lucky the dog whined to go outside and busted A up. I mean she thought it was hysterical. He whined again and she laughed again. Poor dog we tortured him then as we all started laughing and he continued to whine. It was a catch 22. The more he whined the more she laughed and you guessed it the more the adults in the room laughed. I am adult enough to admit that I cried a few tears. I have waited so long and cried so many tears. It was a moment of sheer exhilaration.

I could hardly wait for my husband to get home so that I could tell him about it all. D didn't even have his coat off before I was telling him about it all. He looked crestfallen for a moment. " She laughed and I missed it?" he asked. I almost wished at that moment that I had not told him about it and pretended that it was the first when she did it for him. It might have been easier if she would have been willing to laugh at all today... but NO instead she has to play it cool. Nary a laugh in sight. Sigh... Well at least I know that she can do it and maybe someday someone other than the dog will get her to do it....

In her defence he is a really cute dog.