What moves faster than a white tornado...

A is a very mobile baby these days. If it isn't glued down it gets picked up and put in the mouth and if it is close enough to the floor it is used to pull up on or to climb. The kid can't even walk yet and she is attempting to climb furniture to get to what she wants. And believe you me she knows what she wants and rarely can be dissuaded when she has made up her mind. It has become quite a feat to get a diaper on her straight. She holds still just long enough for me to get the new diaper under her and then it is on. She rolls over, crawls away, sits up... you name it she has tried it. Not that I am complaining too strenuously... my niece R would do all of that while screaming at the top of her lungs. She hated getting her diaper changed. At least A takes it in stride for the most part.

Our little angel has become quite bossy in her old age. It cracks me up as she will point her finger at you and in a very firm tone say.... well something. She knows what she means at any rate. She will point at me as I am washing up her dinner and holler "MAA" " MAA" until I go and get her. It cracks my own mother up watching me scurry around trying to get the mess that A has just made cleaned up while she is letting me know repeatedly and at top volume that she wants me NOW! She wants a toy that is out of reach... She points to it and in an authoritative tone says "DAT" She is thrilled when she gets what she wanted. I am still not sure if she is proud of herself for the communication or proud of us for finally getting what was so obvious. She points at something new and she says (I kid you not) "Whats dat?" Add that to the Daddy and Bupa that she already had and we have a nine month old who has quite a few words at her command.

She has new shoes that have given her stability enough that she can stand for nearly a minute with out support. And as she has gotten so very brave lately she now has a host of bruises on various parts of her body. It seems somehow that I as mommy should be able to keep some of them from happening.... but she is so quick that half the time I am just milliseconds too late. Not to mention the ones on her shins are from crawling over toys... and there is no way to keep those toys off of the ground for longer than 1 hour during the day. She has them all out in a matter of seconds and from there they are strewn all over the house as she makes her way systematically from one section of the room to the next destroying order and wreaking havoc. There is nothing in this house that is safe anymore, and sometimes the only way to get anything done is to let her get into something else while you are cleaning another mess.

As of this week she has apparently decided that one nap a day is enough thank you very much. She goes to bed a little earlier and stays asleep a little longer, and makes up for it all during the day. That is not to say that I am giving that nap up easily. We still go and lie down for a little while to see if she will fall out for a little while. More realistically what it has come to constitute is me laying on the bed watching her play quietly for about 45 minutes. Yesterday while I was laying on the bed she took the blanket and pulled it up to my neck and then patted me, in much the same manner that I have done to her a million times and will do a million more. It truly touched me, she was so tender.

It seems nearly impossible that nine short months ago she was so teeny I was afraid to touch her and I was still in the hospital after having her. Officially today I have had the child longer than I carried her in pregnancy. Oddly enough it seems hard to believe that it has been that long... and yet it also seems as if she has been with me forever. I couldn't imagine my life with out her any more. In fact I have a hard time remembering life with out her, much less remembering a time when D and I hurt so bad from our losses that we were ready to give up on having a child. I still take a moment every single day to thank God for this child, and to thank this child for being with us. Every single second is an adventure and I can't take a single one for granted. Perhaps if nothing else that is what Aislynn and Aidan gave us.... the ability to truly live in the moment with A and love every second.... even as she exasperates and frustrates us. She is just so dang cute as she does it... and when she gives us that mischievous little grin I think we would forgive her anything.

If it ain't one thing.....

If there is one task in the house that I hate it has got to be laundry. It is never ending... and if you are wearing clothes while you are doing the laundry you are starting out at a loss. I would gladly toss out all that we have and start over.... except for the fact that shortly after we do that I would be back at square one with laundry to do. One of the biggies with laundry is that it piles up so quickly, especially when you have a man like I do who can manage to go through three shirts in the few hours that he is home. Not to even begin to mention the fact that he has no idea how to get the dirty clothes that he is no longer wearing into the extremely accessible basket that I leave for him. No instead dirty clothes litter the bathroom and the living room floor. Yes I said living room. The man takes off his socks and leaves them where ever he does so. There are moments when he is lucky I love him.

When I was pregnant and people told me repeatedly how much more laundry I was going to be doing I listened with half of an ear. I figured that it was fairly apparent that laundry increased when you have a new person in the house. Ah the bliss of ignorance. You see my math was flawed. I didn't realize that a baby creates an entire load of laundry all by herself every single day. Sometimes two in a day.

When A was really little she often ended up having to be changed 3 or 4 times a day. She would poo or pee on a sleeper and she would puke all over herself and me. There were burp rags and receiving blankets to be washed. There were sleepers and sheets. That doesn't even take into account the times mom had to change due to being completely defiled by some bodily function that covered her. And in the early weeks I wasn't fussy if it didn't smell I kept it on... unless I was going out into public.

A has grown and changed a ton, and with that growth and change the task of laundry has eased somewhat. There are still the days when I must change her from the skin for a myriad of reasons, but for the most part she stays in one outfit for the day now. These are changes for which I am eternally grateful. As we slip out of some of the tasks we slide into others. For while I am no longer doing 8 or 9 loads of laundry a week... these days I am lucky to be able to get away for a second to do the 5 or 6 I have a week. What with crawling all over the house and pulling up on everything in sight, A has become quite a handful. And my little cuddler no longer can stand a lap for longer than 10 seconds before she is doing the flat body slide down to the floor. God she is fun right now!

It seems that no sooner do I see an end in sight of one job another is looming on the horizon. As it stands I am of the mind that in one way or another I am bound to be busy until she has moved out.

There are so many changes these days in A that it is hard to document them for you all. It seems like every five minutes I look at a new little girl. She has gotten so big it is hard to remember that she was ever a tiny newborn. She is really solid though. There is no ballooned out little belly and there is only a little bit of pudge... mostly she is a sturdy little package that just gets bigger before your eyes.

She is now cruising furniture. Which means that there is not a single containment device in the house that does not create a screaming demon... with the one exception of her bouncy horse over at Bupa and Nana's house. When she sits in that she gets rocking and rolling and laughing.... for a while. She is happiest while she is going from one unexplored and prohibited place to the next. My knitting bag recently suffered a grave indignity when she found it. What made it even more demoralizing for the poor bag is that I was just exhausted enough that I let her do it and figured that I would clean it up later. Such choices are becoming more and more popular these days.

The whole family when on an outing to the Rainforest Cafe for our niece's birthday this last weekend. R who turned 3 this weekend was a little afraid of the animatronics but the atmosphere was exciting for her. A was enthralled by the aquarium with the fish, some of which were bigger than her. What made the 2 hour trip entirely worth it though was A's response to the thunderstorm simulation. She looked up when the " lightning " hit and the wide eyes said it all. She looked at me then and squealed with so much excitement that she had the whole table laughing. She loved it. That is not a girl who will be afraid of storms.

She talks like a champ now too. Not that there are many of the words that we all can understand... there are a few though. She clearly says "daddy" ( not dada) and she also says "grandpa" although it sounds more like ( bupa). My little smarty pants also points at something she wants and says " that" as clear as day. When given a choice between several things she will mull it over and then make her choice clear with a point or a reach and " that." She says Mama but still only when she is mad or tired or wants to nurse. The thing that cracks everyone up though is when she looks at the dog and barks. My niece said " meow" at this age and A barks. I guess maybe R will be a cat person and A will be a dog person.

A loves dogs and cats. She has been around them since she came home from the hospital and she notices them right away. She is also a real stuffed animal lover. Well I think what it is actually is the textures. She loves soft stuffed animals and soft blankees that she can rub her face into. She is such a cuddler. When she gets tired she will lean into me and rest her little head on my chest. She gives baby hugs at the drop of a hat. I am loving this side of her. She loves her cuddle time... and she still is so independent. She is so brave, letting go of her brace and reaching for both hands for something. The other day she stood up in the middle of the floor with out anything to pull up with and reached for Bupa to pick her up. She is amazing.

Bupa and Nana got her the first pair of walking shoes a few weeks back. It was hysterical she got them on and it was like she was stuck with glue on the floor. It is taking a little bit of time to get used to the new weight of them. But now she is all over the place shoes on or not.

Ready or not world she is coming.

1000 words

I have been going through our baby pictures of A a lot lately. I have mentioned it several times in the last few weeks I know. I have been struck by those pictures though and the memories of the moments that they captured. They say that a picture is worth a thousand words and in some ways that is right but it also doesn't tell the rest of the story.

For me looking back on the pictures evoke powerful memories and with them extreme emotion. I see the first time I held my baby and I am overwhelmed with the feeling of love... oddly enough more so than I was when the picture was taken. I see the smiles that we tried to capture the first few months and I soften to the point of boneless. I see her first meal or when she first pulled herself up in the crib and I beam with pride. All of these associations are pleasurable because of the memories that I have of the moments and the times. I see the smiles,the laughs, the interaction with her Da and I am transported to the times when I took the pictures ( that would be why I am in so few of them : )

I was looking at those photos with A on my lap and I was telling her about the people in them ( you can't start too soon with that type of thing in my opinion.) That is your Aunt Skyla holding you, there is your Grandma Barb and Aunt Chelsea with you on the couch, there is Nana holding you on the first day you were on this earth... that type of conversation.... and one of those little memories popped up of a beautiful little girl who was covered head to toe in eczema. My heart broke as I looked at that photo and thought back to the battles that we had in the beginning with eczema and how it felt like we were losing. I was almost in tears when I thought of how desperate D and I were to fix that problem so that we could touch our little girl again. Thankfully we have it under control for the most part... though we still have a skirmish every now and then. Something that occurred to me as I was looking at those pictures is that in some ways they only tell half of the story.

When I look at a photo of my daughter smiling I finish the smile in my head. When I see that wide-eyed look that we have so many pictures of I see the laugh that she just had. I see all of that. The picture doesn't share that though. It is a captured moment. One second of time... that has a beginning and an end that are not shared. I look at the photos of my little one covered in eczema and that is nearly the focal point of the photo. D didn't like me to take photos of her back then. He didn't want to have the photos that showed her looking miserable. But she wasn't always miserable. The photos don't show that she was still one of the smiliest little girls in the world. She was amazing for a girl in so much pain. I took the photos anyways because I wanted to have something to look back on that would bring the memories to mind, but they are tough to look at because I know that she was in pain.

One of the things I worry about is A looking at those photos when she gets older. Self confidence is something that is hard to come by and it can be diminished so easily. One misplaced comment from some one respected and it can be shaken to the core. I am awed by how beautiful my little girl is. It floors me constantly... but will she look at the photos that I have of her early months and only see the flaws. I hope not. I hope that she, like myself, can look past the eczema to the remarkable smile and the twinkling eyes. I hope that she will understand that I took the photos because the smiles on her face despite the discomfort she was dealing with impressed me. I hope that I can help her to learn a confidence that will shine from her, and will not be easily shaken.

I will continue to take the photos as often as I can... chronicling what I see as the transformation of a remarkable child into a remarkable adult. How can she be anything but?

what a long strange trip this is

A had her first fourth of July this last weekend... not that she could tell the difference between the fourth and any other day out there. I worked in the morning and part of the afternoon. When I got home my husband decided to treat me out so off we went to eat dinner and then to get him a pair of much needed new tennis shoes. ( next pay check it will be my turn : ) Every where we went someone new was telling us how cute our baby was. I will admit that I never get tired of that. Most also asked if we were planning to take her to the fire works. Dave and I were on the fence with that one for a while, but finally opted out of the fireworks. We figured since they don't even start until after her bed time we might be flirting with danger as a lot of children her age are scared by them anyway. Let's be honest something that has the potential to be scary is bound to be a lot worse if baby is over tired. Dave hasn't ever been a real fan of fireworks on top of all of it, so he got out of it again this year.

Over all it was a very uneventful first fourth for our little one. I suppose it is just as well, as that is most likely how they will continue. Dave and I have never been people to make a big deal out of the holiday. Until our little one was born we had a tradition of going to a movie and getting the largest tub of popcorn we can. As we only go to movies once or twice a year it is a nice treat. We were not able to do that this year as A doesn't really sit quietly through a movie anymore. We have a few years before she will be a welcome addition to a movie theater. We however love watching movies with her, because she actually watches the movie and even better mimics the sounds that the characters make. It is a riot and Dave and I love to watch her.

She is becoming a toddler before our eyes. There are still the remnants of a baby there, and we enjoy them all, but one by one they fade away. She is getting braver everyday, and now cruises all around the room holding onto whatever she can get her hands on. Some days I can see the calculations going on in that little brain as she looks at something out of her reach and wonders if she will be able to get to it. She scares the crud out of me daily. I want so badly to scoop her up and keep her safe... but I have to let her take the risks, it is the only way that she will learn her limitations and expand her horizons. She amazes me as she lets go of the chair to bend down and pick something up. She appalls me as she tries to pull up on the rocker. She keeps me riveted as she pulls the table cloth to bring what she wants on the table closer.... all the while standing under it in a very precarious position. She buzzes around the house in her walker now and chases the dog and the cat in the contraption. She pulls down my laundry and she plays in it with delight. My days are seldom boring.

When I was praying to have a healthy child I swore that I wouldn't take a single second for granted. Eight months into parenthood, I am still trying very hard to fulfill that promise to myself. I try to enjoy every second. I relish even the difficult parts of parenting this child. Never in my life have I had a job that I have loved as much as being A's mommy. I take a moment every single time that I nurse this little one to thank God for her and for the ability to be able to nourish and nurture her by nursing her. I never look to the days when she can... I try only to enjoy the right now. By contrast I also try very hard not to look back the the days when she used to... as every day is something new and I do not want to miss a thing by being mired in the past. I have a beautiful wonderful child who I enjoy so entirely I cannot express it.

I do however love looking back over our older photos.... I look at the little peanut that she was and at the superchunk (Dave's nick name for her) and I am awed at how much can change in a few short months. I realized the other day that we have had A longer now than we knew we were pregnant... although not quite as long as we were pregnant. It blows my mind how much she has grown and changed. What a wild ride!

Hi ho Hi ho!

I have officially finished my first week of work. I have worked 3 days since Monday for 4 hours except for the first which was 3. Slowly but surely our household is adapting. A still has issues with me being gone, but over all we are getting the hang of it. We still spend the afternoons after I work attached at the hip ( well my hip her front =) Although I am not sure that it is much different from the days that I am home all day. A has moved into a separation anxiety that is pretty impressive. I am not allowed out of her sight with out fussiness no matter who is still with her. D is a little put out by it I think, as she is not quite so vocal about his leaving. However she is so excited when he gets back that it soothes those ruffled feathers some.

I have read that separation anxiety is a perfectly natural thing at A's age and that it just shows that she is going through the regular progression of becoming a toddler. It is heartbreaking however when she starts to cry or that little bottom lip pokes out and tears well in her eyes. I have worked so hard to take care of her every need and want for so long that not being able to give into this "need" of hers is very hard. I am sure though that it is good for her to learn not only that mommy sometimes MUST leave, and that she will come back.

D is enjoying the one on one time with A. He has said this week that he is glad that I am working so that he can make sure that A has some daddy time. I guess to an extent I have been monopolizing the care of the baby. Mostly because I have been with her all the time and so it was natural for me to just take care of the needs... Also though I think it has been easy for him to just let me take care of it all, because he certainly doesn't jump up to take care of a need before I can do so :) So I guess that we have fallen into a pattern and my working now shakes that up a little. It is good I am sure for all of us.

There is another side effect of me working that I am enjoying. There is a sense of pride that I haven't felt for a time. There are people who I interact with now that see me for ME.... not mommy, not wife, not daughter.... Me the person that I am outside of all the roles that I play. It is exciting, exhilarating. It isn't as if the people around me look at me and pigeon hole me. I am much more to D than just wife. ( although to A I am really JUST mom and as of yet there isn't much room for more with her : ) The thing is that I have started to feel pigeon holed all the same. At work there are people there who see me for me. I am only a mom to them if I choose to share it. Oddly enough I do share it, but I also share book I've read, jokes, and so much more. It helps to round me out as a person. Having found a job that is so willing to work with me keeping my hours down and when I need them is exciting. I have the best of both worlds. I can work and still be for the most part a stay at home mom. The 12 hours I worked this week and the 4 I am scheduled for next will get me out of the house a little, add a small amount of extra cash, give me a little Independence, and it will still allow me to be the mommy that I need to be to my little one. I am on top of the world.

I have to admit though.... no matter how few hours I work there comes a time.... when I miss her so much I want to go home RIGHT NOW! There are moments when I am working that I wonder what the HELL I am thinking.... my little girl is at home and I am out working. It matters little that she is at home with her daddy, and that after the initial cry that she didn't really miss me. I believe that women are hard wired to feel guilt the second that they become mothers... Maybe it is the mommy hormones because I have never felt the guilt like I do now as a mommy. Funny thing is that I also felt guilty when I wasn't working for different reasons. ( If I was working we could get such and such, blah blah blah) I guess that I am just going to have to learn to live with my guilt complex and know that one way or another I am never going to do anything that would seriously hurt my little one. Life can be so complicated.