Excuse me... who am I?

My husband is a brilliant man. He is a modern day inventor, and he is working on something big! Like the wives of most inventors I am left in the dust sometimes. That was not such a big deal when we were just a couple. He would get into his mindset and I would go off and do my own thing. No biggie we would meet up in the middle both happier for having had a little bit of alone time. That has changed a bit with the introduction of A into our life. All of a sudden there is a little miss who needs a lot of attention and a lot of care. The thing is that it has changed my life drastically... it has not changed D's quite so much. He is still ready to go at the drop of a hat because he has had an idea for what he is currently working on. His new project has the light bulb going on a lot, and he is off and running.

As a stay at home mom I am more than aware that the largest portion of the responsibility for our child's care falls on my shoulders. Dave works outside the home at the daily grind that has nothing to do with what he has going in the garage, like most modern day inventors. So that means that the time that he has to work on his hobbies is taken out of the day that we have together... and that has been happening more and more lately. This is great for him... I have never seen him so happy, and he assures me that he has never been happier.

I, on the other hand am not having nearly so much fun. Dishes, laundry, and diaper changing are my job, but hardly what I would call my passion. I watch him run off to "play" like a little boy going with the guys and I sigh with envy. I love my daughter and I thrill in every single milestone that she reaches... but I am not A and I cannot live my life through her and her milestones. While I love every minute with her I need a little time for myself. When he runs off I am left with an infant and a house that needs a lot of work... no car to go anywhere ( because he works in a friends garage) and a level of resentment that builds every day.

So D and I had a conversation regarding this issue. Granted some of it was at a top level voices... but we did eventually get to the point and come to terms with the fact that I need a little more consideration and fun in my life. So we set out to do so. I was given all day to have fun yesterday... I immediately said that I wanted to go garage saleing... any one who lives in our area knows that was doomed yesterday. It was cold and it was WINDY. ... Sigh... so I was left to figure it out all over again. Meanwhile we did some running that took us until 2PM and then came home so I could nurse our angel. At 4PM I decided I wanted to go to the bookstore and have a coffee while looking at books and magazines. This has always been a favorite pass time of mine. I love the smell of the cafe and the feel of being surrounded by books. Off we went to have fun for Me.

Ten minutes into it I realized that this was doomed to fail. As I sat defending my coffee and my magazines from exploring fingers I felt my frustration level rising. We had fallen into the same old pattern. Dave was sitting there blissfully flipping through a car mag and sipping his latte, while I dealt with Missy ten hands. Even though I had brought three or four toys to keep her busy she of course found them far less interesting than what I was doing. He held her for a little bit but the largest portion of the time she was on my lap, and I was wishing I had come up with something that might have offered ME a little more fun. Big Bust. An hour later we were heading home and I was wondering what the hell it is that I am supposed to do to have fun in my life!!???

We discussed it on the way home... my enjoyment has always been found in quiet personal pursuits, and I don't have many friends outside of my family. I love to read and knit and crochet I can lose myself writing.... I love to hike and go for long walks. A and I can do the walks but not the hikes, we need more level ground than the nature trails really give us, beside both of those are hit and miss right now with the weather. The others are pass times that look like I am doing nothing and so are easy for me to "care" for A while I am doing them. Only I don't want to always be putting my own interests down to care for her, while I am having me time, and I want to get OUT of the house. I told D I think that I need a little time AWAY from A and her reaching arms... Gasp. I feel awful feeling these things, let alone voicing them. Time away from my daughter!? I am a mother now, shouldn't I want nothing more than time with my child? But I think that in order for me to be the mother A deserves I need to remember myself every now and then.

Here's the rub though: It is as if my life has been put on hold for the last few years. I have in essence been pregnant since May of 2005. Each loss we faced sucked a little bit more of the life from me. The thought of going out to seek fun was the last thing on my mind. Rather D and I hunkered down and tried very hard to shield ourselves from the world. Now, however I am looking to start my life again. I owe it to myself, my daughter, my husband. But in the last few years I have lost touch with my funny bone, so to speak. I am desperate to find a way to have fun... and I don't seem to remember how to do it. It would be so easy if I had an endless supply of money... because I Heart Shopping. But we live on the opposite end of the supply spectrum, and I have a really bad habit of spending it all on the other two anyways. I never know what to get myself. A few months ago D sent me out with my gift cert from Christmas and I came home with clothes for A. Pathetic.

Dave has suggested that I go to the park sometime this week, while he watches our progeny. If only just to get away long enough to focus on myself again and my own wants and needs. He believes that if I am away for an hour or two and stop thinking in terms of D would like this or A needs this... I might be able to sift through it well enough to find out what M needs and wants. Not a half bad idea. I believe that a little me time will help me to be a better mother and wife. So here's to finding myself.

I'll keep you posted.

Rubber ducky you're... the one?

The other night it got hot and sticky in the house. Being April it is just to soon to turn on the air conditioner... I won't do it! It's been less than 2 weeks since we used the heater... I want an energy bill break darn it! At any rate the stickiness had all of us cranky. Add to that the two teeth that A now has that have cut through and it makes for a whiny baby and a frustrated mommy. So at the advice of my mom we took a bath. Now bath time has been an unwanted activity in our house because of her skin problems. Since about January we have been taking sponge baths once or twice a week. The crankiness had reached monumental proportions though so it was time to pull out the big guns. I cleaned out the kitchen sink and popped our little angel in.... umm... she wasn't impressed.

A sat in the sink arms air planed out a look of terror on her face shivering and saying " uh uh uh uh maa maaa maa maaa" Trying to do my part I smiled and laughed and said this is fun over and over while handing her different toys and putting her hand in the water that I had left running in the other side of the sink. After a few minutes of trying to get her interested in toys I decided I better just cut to the cleaning and get her the heck out of there. So I washed her head and bod in record time and was going to pick her up and save her from the wicked water... when she learned that the full out arm swing she has taken a shine to splashes water.... to quote Neo "Whoa!"

So I let her splash for a minute or two before we jumped out and had a lotion fest. Dry skin being known to cause the eczema we are fighting still I had her greased up from head to toe. ( and have been checking her skin every ten minutes since the bath) We then got into our jammies and headed for bed Fred. Oh what bliss.... she was out in seconds seconds.... and she slept all night long in the deepest slumber( well not counting the nursing that is part of every night.) Truly it was a wonderful night.

I just wish that we had tried it earlier. With her skin the reasoning is valid... but oh I can just imagine some of the nights that might have been a little easier if the bath had been an option. Not to mention all the fun that she could have been having in the water. We know now though... and it is a powerful little weapon to have in the arsenal of calming baby. Yay mom yay baby yay bath time.

Boy she looks just like....

We have a beautiful baby that is a fact. She is just cute all of her facial features fit together to form a gorgeous little angel. Everyone says so ( it is not JUST my own partiality.) It is hard though to play the look alike game with my daughter. She has managed to blend features from myself and Dave seamlessly, and has come up with her own individual look. We have played that game none the less since the day she was born. " She looks like you with Dave's eyes" " Oh look at her she looks just like Daddy" on and on. The day after she was born my mother and father and myself were staring at her adoringly in the hospital when she woke up and yawned. My father says "You know sometimes she looks like..." just as my mother says " At times I can really see..." just as I was saying " Wow! She really looks a lot like..." We all looked at each other and then said " Keagan!" at the same time. Our dear angel looks a lot like her older brother. Only a few days later Dave said the same thing. That means that she looks a lot like her daddy because Keagan looks a lot like Dave.

That is not to say that she doesn't look like me, in fact she does very much so. There are pictures of myself when I was her age that the only difference appears to be the clothing we are wearing. But then I have been out and about with Keagan and been told that my son looks just like me, or statements to the same effect.( for that matter I have had people ask if Dave was my brother, once my own cousin mistook him for my brother!) Dave jokingly asked once if there was a fork in our family tree that we didn't know about. I like our neighbors take on it. Bev said that you know when you have found your true love because the two of you look alike. That is my story and I am sticking to it doggone it!

We have noticed a strange trend though. When people see A with a Nuk in her mouth they see her daddy, when it is taken out they see me. It is almost foolproof. We have laughed about that since she was a very little baby. When her mouth is full she looks like Dave LOL. I guess that means that the top half of her face looks like Dave and the bottom half looks like me.

My what large teeth you have!!

I had plans for today's entry. I was going to tell you all about her trip to visit her paternal granny.... alas it will have to wait... because what news what news. She has cut her first tooth. Its right there on those once smooth gums just waiting for your finger to find it. No you can't see it yet, that is how new this tooth is. I found it yesterday while A was engaged in her favorite new pass time, gumming ( now teething) my fingers into a drool covered oblivion. She set about ensuring that anyone within a five foot radius of her at any given time not have fingers. She is single minded in her pursuit of gnawing the offending appendages into nubs that as slimy and smell faintly of spit up.

So yesterday as I was doing my part to keep the peace in the house by allowing my fingers to be nibbled I noticed it... a rough spot on the once smooth surface of her gums. I checked again ( much to her delight) and yes there it was again a rough spot. I had daddy stick his fingers into her mouth too ( she was wondering how she got so lucky as we all have come up with creative ways to keep our fingers OUT of her mouth : ) He concurred, that the sand papery patch is indeed a tooth. um (gulp) Yeah?!

I meet this new thing with a mixed reaction. Yes my child is growing up that is to be expected. Yes the first tooth is a landmark on that road. And one to be celebrated certainly. I'm not so worried about the teething part of it, we have weathered it up to this point with out too much grief. Ummm the worry that I have is that I am nursing this little one still. We are still at the point that all of her nourishment comes from me... and the idea of teeth in that tiny little mouth is just a little unsettling. " don't worry" my mom assured me" after your reaction the first few times she bites you she won't do it again" umm .... sorry after the first few times... forgive me if that doesn't really reassure me.

I haven't heard about the huge number of mothers who have lost their breast due to nursing infants with teeth, so I am sure that it will be fine. Right? I guess that we are on the road to find out aren't we? Meanwhile yes I am thrilled that my daughter is cutting her first tooth. Despite my husband laughter when he felt it followed by " Have fun Mommy!" I am sure that we will muddle through it all. Gotta go though my daughter has her hand in her mouth I have to offer my hand up as a sacrifice to keep hers safe.

Over the river and through the woods

We had A's first trip out of town this weekend. We left both there and back at her nap time I filled her belly before both trips and we set off with her sleepy and full. Not a bad plan. The trip home took 2 hours longer than the trip there, but she never sleeps as long in the afternoon as she does in the morning. Over all we were happy with how well our little darling traveled

Knowing that we were going to make this trip we prepared for a week in advance: discussing what we should bring and how much of it. The various different items that we were intending to bring went back and forth and changed over the course of the week. One day we were going to bring the pack and play, the next the walker. One discussion had us bringing both. We have a new car a station wagon so space was not the same issue that it has been in the compact with a trunk that won't open... ( Dave backed into a tree but shh you didn't hear that from me ) and one back door that only opens from inside... ( Dave scraped the dumpster backing into the drive starting to see a pattern here?) So the debate continued unfettered by space requirements. There were some points that I am certain that we fully intended to bring every item that we own for the baby.

Well we left on Sat sans pack and play or walker. We took the stroller.... but I don't believe it came out of the car. What we did have were 140 diapers and 5 outfits as well as burp clothes and spit rags to take care of three babies. And would you believe that when I needed a rag I still didn't have one near by. I can hear my mom's voice now " How long have you been a mom now Melis?" Yes yes I have been a mommy for nearly six months and I am as scattered today as I was on day one. What I did remember to do was pack myself a couple of extra shirts and can you believe it I didn't need the extra shirts or the extra outfits. That is a fine example of Murphy's law if I ever saw it... I remembered to pack the extra shirts because of the times I have needed them.... can't win for losing some days. I remembered her allergy medicine and forgot a dropper for it. We did have Tylenol with us though and that had a dropper. She got a little less than her dose but that is better than a little more : )

So we are back home and we have survived it. I have more clean clothes from the trip than dirty and we are a little tired today but over all we are happy with how well our trip went. I was glad that we left at 4 and not 7 at 9PM when we pulled into the drive way... but over all it was a good trip. We have a good little traveler and that is great to know. I have a funny feeling we will be putting her to the test more often now.

Who ARE you!?

My daughter has fallen prey to the dreaded fear of strangers that most babies go through at this age. She no longer is willing to take with aplumb being handed off to a "stranger" for a snuggle. Instead she gets a dubious look on her face that prefaces out right crying. It wouldn't be so bad except that it happens most often with friends who have held her before. A just doesn't remember of course. She is a warm and friendly child as long as she is in my arms. But even with me right there in someone elses arms she becomes a wary stranger. She even goes so far as to brace her legs on said stranger so that she cannot be held close, while craning around to see where I am at all times. This effectively ends the attempted cuddle session when it becomes apparent that she is not going to be coaxed into snuggliness

This is an entirely typical stage. Most ,if not all, babies go through it. It makes me feel bad sometimes though as my once easy going child turns on a torrent of crying in someone else's arms. She'll outgrow it eventually, and most of the time the person that she reacts that way to understands. Still I want to run over and assure the person that it isn't personal, and she really is a very social baby. The way that we have found to manage this new character quirk is to go slow. Rather than just handing the kiddo off to a new person I hold her on my lap and let the new person warm her up slowly. Before you know it she is babbling and gurgling in the manner that we have all become accustomed to. Then before you know it she is reaching for said stranger, and "Hello have we met before." Flirt flirt smile smile.

Pretty little princess

I am not sure how we are doing it ... but it appears that Dave and I are raising a little princess in more than one respect. It is apparent that she is beautiful like a princess when you look at her. I don't know how it happened but we ended up with a real looker on our hands. With her remarkable blue eyes and her rosey irish skin she is, in my humble opinion breathtaking. I will take some of the credit because an awful lot of people say she looks an awful lot like me... having a child has helped my self confidence immensely.

But she is a princess in other less obvious ways also. She is one of the most careful children I have ever seen. She reaches for things only after she is entirely certain that it is something that is worthy of the reach. She is not crazy about gooey or sticky and will holler if her diaper isn't changed with in seconds of having been soiled. Then there is the fact that my little princess is not a real fan of rough housing. The typical things that get gales of laughter from babies her age instead get dubious looks and fussiness. Whirling through the air or flying like an airplane makes her sick. I found a really cool website where you use your baby like weights to get back in shape. It is supposed to be fun for baby and good for mom.... not on your life thank you very much. I didn't get through three arm curls before I decided I had better quit and I even added a kiss on her forehead each time that wasn't in the instructions. Alas, poor mom is stuck forever with her baby bump. It isn't so bad having a princess. My niece is a princess also and we love having tea parties and playing dress up with her. I suppose that it will be easier to keep a princess clean and the dreams of wonderfully beautiful little dresses will not all be for naught. I am enchanted with my daughter so whatever she becomes is fine by me. I just wonder HOW it happened.

Dave is a boy... still. I often feel like I am a mom calling out warnings to my wayward husband and knowing that it is all for naught. He is bound to remember my warning after disaster has already struck. I love him dearly, and he keeps me young. But I still know that Dave is and was a boy. A dirty grimey trouble loving boy. I was a tomboy. Maybe not as much as some of the other girls that I can think of, but non the less a tom boy. I could climb a tree with the best of them. As a matter of fact often in my church dresses much to the chagrin of my mother who dressed me as a princess often. I did not own a doll that had all of its hair after a few days and they often were left to the toybox after their shearing. I went fishing with my daddy and hooked my own worm. I shot my brother in the chest with an arrow ( long story) and one of my best friends when we lived on the farm was a bull. ( yes a real live bull he was a sweety loved me hated my brother! What can I say smart fella.) Never a tea party in sight. Of course with my brother so close in age any tea party would probably have been laid seige to by G. I. Joe or worse.

When I found out that it was a girl I started waxing poetic about the different things I would do with a girl... I would teach her how to bake and I would dress her up in pretty dresses, we would have tea parties. You know the regular mommy daughter things. My mom warned me that if there was karma I would end up with a barbie hating tom boy who wanted to spend all of her time in the dirt. Well we have a bit of time before I can be certain... but I think that my mother just may be wrong on this one.

Blah blah blog

I have been reading baby blogs and lately I have been disturbed by a trend that I have been seeing. It seems to me that every one is looking for the perfect combo to being SUPERMOM! and in order to do so they have to create SUPERBABY! Able to speak in full sentences at 3 months and leaping block buildings in single bounds by 10 months.

Don't get me wrong.... I am the first one to start bragging on my baby. Five minutes alone with me and your eyes are glazed and there is drool at the corner of your mouth as I tell you all of the things that my little one has done. And yes, in my eyes my daughter is the most beautiful truly perfect child on the face of the earth. But am I the only mom out there that wants to pause time and enjoy what I have for a moment, rather than wish it away or worse yet work hard to train it away. I read about all of the various different techniques that have been found to improve cognitive ability in your infant and I am astounded. Of course you have to understand that I started out behind because I didn't play music and books on tape to my child while she was in utero. So my child already behind is only getting further and further behind due to her limited mommy. I feel as if I am inflicting upon my child some gross injustice because the board books that I have chosen to read are more for our enjoyment than for their ability to further her education. She is five months old for crying out loud, hardly the age at which I need to start instilling deep-seated anxiety about climbing the ladder of success.

As to being super mom I am just trying sometimes to keep it all together enough to wear all the hats that I have right now. Being super anything right now is a bit of a stretch, let's try for good. I read the other day as a mother wrote about her ability to be able to tell what her child's cries meant by the time she was 2 and a half months old. I was stricken. I don't know if I can interpret A's cries. Shouldn't I as a good mother be able to do that, more importantly shouldn't I know if I can do that. I stopped and thought about it for a minute and then I realized that it is really hard to have to interpret something that you almost never hear. A very rarely cries... and when she does it is because 1. she is feeling under the weather or 2. she is over tired. I am lucky in that I did not have a colicky child. Very Very rarely has my child ever cried. That is not to say that she doesn't communicate. She has this squeal when she wants something that is really hard to ignore, and she also has this holler that tells you she is starting to get frustrated, and this guttural groan/grunt that makes her sound like she is going to explode. She also fusses when she wants attention and can't have it ( read dinner time every night!) So I guess that I can interpret what her cries mean when I hear them because you can be certain that if there is crying that mom has already been working to fix the world and it is something that I cannot fix right away such as teething pain or gas pain... but you can bet that the Tylenol or the Mylacon have already been given and we're just waiting for it to work.

I guess that what I have come to terms with more than anything by reading these blogs over the last few weeks is that I have become more confident in my own counsel as a mother. Yes I still like to look to the experts and my mom hears from me still constantly. But on a whole I have become more certain that I , me yeah me, I can answer my daughters needs. That isn't to say that I don't like to hear what other mothers are doing... but I have decided that my daughter is going to be fine despite the fact that I am not talking to her in only complex sentences with three-syllable words. We will leave the molding of type A personality children to others. I think that at five months she deserves the opportunity to be (gasp) a child. Her cognitive ability will not suffer too much for it. As a matter of fact... I am going to conduct my own study... allowing a child to be a child and using those teachable moments that come to us I am going to see if maybe just maybe I end up with a smart baby who is also happy.

Let's sit shall we?

She sits all by herself now!! Yea! I do not have a picture of this amazing feat as of yet because... Well it is hard to take a picture when your hands are held two inches away from your child on either side. I do this in case she needs my help though she is able to sit for five to ten minutes with out aid and sometimes even reaches forward to grab a toy. Every now and then I have to help with balance... but mostly I just sit. And I sit alot because now that she has found this new found skill she is not in the mood to lay around anymore thank you very much.

Every day it is something new. I love watching this kid change. I could spend my entire day doing nothing but watching ... but that would leave no time for telling you all about it. Its funny how she seems to change in leaps and bounds, although I am sure that she spends days if not weeks leading up to a change. My little A is a thinker. You can almost hear the wheels turning as she is working things out in her head. There are times when she sits for 15-30 minutes just staring at her hands as if she has never seen them before. Truth is that she has probably just realized that they can do something new and exciting that she has never thought of before. I can feel that little brain in there teeming with thoughts and questions. Some days the frustration is a palpable thing. Other days she watches you with a curiosity that awes the entire room. She often gives you this quizzical look that the only other living creatures that I have seen get it so perfect are dogs. Guaranteed though a day or two after you get that look, she is going to dazzle you with her new skill.

It is hard sometimes for me to keep up with the changes. That says a lot coming from the woman who is only separated from the child for a few measly hours in the day time when she naps. And lets be honest how separate can you be in a one bedroom house that is smaller than most people's living rooms? So here I am right in the thick of all of it and I still get blindsided sometimes. She is learning and growing faster than I had ever thought possible. Who knows where we will be tomorrow. Next thing you know she is going to be crawling... and then watch out world 'cuz here she comes... and I don't know if you have noticed, but that little smile she has is impish enough to tell me that she has worlds of mischief to get into before she is done. Until then I guess I will be sitting right here.