My husband is a brilliant man. He is a modern day inventor, and he is working on something big! Like the wives of most inventors I am left in the dust sometimes. That was not such a big deal when we were just a couple. He would get into his mindset and I would go off and do my own thing. No biggie we would meet up in the middle both happier for having had a little bit of alone time. That has changed a bit with the introduction of A into our life. All of a sudden there is a little miss who needs a lot of attention and a lot of care. The thing is that it has changed my life drastically... it has not changed D's quite so much. He is still ready to go at the drop of a hat because he has had an idea for what he is currently working on. His new project has the light bulb going on a lot, and he is off and running.
As a stay at home mom I am more than aware that the largest portion of the responsibility for our child's care falls on my shoulders. Dave works outside the home at the daily grind that has nothing to do with what he has going in the garage, like most modern day inventors. So that means that the time that he has to work on his hobbies is taken out of the day that we have together... and that has been happening more and more lately. This is great for him... I have never seen him so happy, and he assures me that he has never been happier.
I, on the other hand am not having nearly so much fun. Dishes, laundry, and diaper changing are my job, but hardly what I would call my passion. I watch him run off to "play" like a little boy going with the guys and I sigh with envy. I love my daughter and I thrill in every single milestone that she reaches... but I am not A and I cannot live my life through her and her milestones. While I love every minute with her I need a little time for myself. When he runs off I am left with an infant and a house that needs a lot of work... no car to go anywhere ( because he works in a friends garage) and a level of resentment that builds every day.
So D and I had a conversation regarding this issue. Granted some of it was at a top level voices... but we did eventually get to the point and come to terms with the fact that I need a little more consideration and fun in my life. So we set out to do so. I was given all day to have fun yesterday... I immediately said that I wanted to go garage saleing... any one who lives in our area knows that was doomed yesterday. It was cold and it was WINDY. ... Sigh... so I was left to figure it out all over again. Meanwhile we did some running that took us until 2PM and then came home so I could nurse our angel. At 4PM I decided I wanted to go to the bookstore and have a coffee while looking at books and magazines. This has always been a favorite pass time of mine. I love the smell of the cafe and the feel of being surrounded by books. Off we went to have fun for Me.
Ten minutes into it I realized that this was doomed to fail. As I sat defending my coffee and my magazines from exploring fingers I felt my frustration level rising. We had fallen into the same old pattern. Dave was sitting there blissfully flipping through a car mag and sipping his latte, while I dealt with Missy ten hands. Even though I had brought three or four toys to keep her busy she of course found them far less interesting than what I was doing. He held her for a little bit but the largest portion of the time she was on my lap, and I was wishing I had come up with something that might have offered ME a little more fun. Big Bust. An hour later we were heading home and I was wondering what the hell it is that I am supposed to do to have fun in my life!!???
We discussed it on the way home... my enjoyment has always been found in quiet personal pursuits, and I don't have many friends outside of my family. I love to read and knit and crochet I can lose myself writing.... I love to hike and go for long walks. A and I can do the walks but not the hikes, we need more level ground than the nature trails really give us, beside both of those are hit and miss right now with the weather. The others are pass times that look like I am doing nothing and so are easy for me to "care" for A while I am doing them. Only I don't want to always be putting my own interests down to care for her, while I am having me time, and I want to get OUT of the house. I told D I think that I need a little time AWAY from A and her reaching arms... Gasp. I feel awful feeling these things, let alone voicing them. Time away from my daughter!? I am a mother now, shouldn't I want nothing more than time with my child? But I think that in order for me to be the mother A deserves I need to remember myself every now and then.
Here's the rub though: It is as if my life has been put on hold for the last few years. I have in essence been pregnant since May of 2005. Each loss we faced sucked a little bit more of the life from me. The thought of going out to seek fun was the last thing on my mind. Rather D and I hunkered down and tried very hard to shield ourselves from the world. Now, however I am looking to start my life again. I owe it to myself, my daughter, my husband. But in the last few years I have lost touch with my funny bone, so to speak. I am desperate to find a way to have fun... and I don't seem to remember how to do it. It would be so easy if I had an endless supply of money... because I Heart Shopping. But we live on the opposite end of the supply spectrum, and I have a really bad habit of spending it all on the other two anyways. I never know what to get myself. A few months ago D sent me out with my gift cert from Christmas and I came home with clothes for A. Pathetic.
Dave has suggested that I go to the park sometime this week, while he watches our progeny. If only just to get away long enough to focus on myself again and my own wants and needs. He believes that if I am away for an hour or two and stop thinking in terms of D would like this or A needs this... I might be able to sift through it well enough to find out what M needs and wants. Not a half bad idea. I believe that a little me time will help me to be a better mother and wife. So here's to finding myself.
I'll keep you posted.
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