What do you get someone who has EVERYTHING?

My husband and my mother keep asking me what I want for my birthday ( tomorrow) and I am having a real issue answering that question. I keep going back to the fact that I have every thing I could possibly dream of. I have a wonderful husband who loves me. I have two remarkable children who adore me as much as I adore them. I have amazing family that are always there for me. I am a very very blessed woman. I don't need a thing in the world... and while I am aware that needs and wants are very different things..... I don't want anything more than what I have either. Life is good. And I know it.

Yes I can say that books would be nice or this that or the other. But I guess one of the problems is that when you are as happy as I am..... some of that other stuff rather pales. I love to read I love to do crafts.... but I don't get much time for either of those anyways. But when I sit down to read one or the other of my children wants to be in my lap. That makes it tough to read or to knit/crochet. So invariably it gets put down for my babies. And yes sometimes that grates on the nerves. Say when it happens the twentieth time in a day. Most times, however, it is wonderful. I am so blessed by my children and having them in my lap and arms reminds me of that. I hold them and that love that is so big anyways, wells up inside me. It amazes me at least once a day per child and husband how very much love we are capable of.

I don't need so very much anymore. I have food, I have clothes, I have shelter, and I have love. So while I am aware that I should be able to answer that question easily... I have no answer, because on any given I am so full of gratitude for the blessings I have already that I don't know that I could ask for any more!

By the way. Dave went to an interview on Friday and was hired ON THE SPOT! We are so very grateful for the prayers and thoughts that were sent our way. Life is remarkably good!

One Enchanted Mom

I have wanted to be a mom since I was a child. I was probably one of the only girls in the world who had names picked out for children who hadn't been born yet when I was 13 years old. Those names changed as I got older and more sophisticated. I always wanted four kids. Two boys and two girls. I had day dreams of what life would be like with my babies.
The truth is that being a mother is even better than the dreams that I had when I was a child. To date there is NOTHING in my life that can compare. Becoming a wife is as deeply moving but it is a completely different feeling. There is nothing that can perk me up and fill me with joy like the smile of one of my daughters. There is nothing that incites more tenderness in me than the sweetness of a baby hug from one of my ladies. There is nothing that makes me feel more blessed than the moment when I settle down between my princesses to help them to settle down for sleep. Truly there is NOTHING in this world more amazing than my sweet girls.
Motherhood is not all beautiful moments and gazing lovingly at your child though. It can be dirty and stinky... and it can be frustrating. That newborn smell that everyone talks about... it's there to be sure, but sometimes it is hard to discern between the poopy diapers and the peed on bedding. Those moments of bliss when you are sitting next to your sleeping child thankful to God that you have been trusted with this little soul are punctuated by moments of sheer irritation when you want to pull your hair out. Mommyhood is down and dirty and takes no prisoners. And it certainly isn't for the faint of heart or the weak of stomach.
I keep wondering when it will get easier... only when the aspect that I am frustrated by GETS easier something else gets challenging. One thing is certain: it is NEVER boring. I clean up no fewer than three spills ( of some sort) a day. I have taken some of the strangest things from little mouths and have found some of the weirdest things in diapers. I laugh at least 10 times a day at or with one of my daughters and I smile all the time. There is no end to the cuteness in my house. It just goes on and on. And where one kid leaves off the other takes over. It is amazing.
I am enchanted by both of my princesses. Amazed, Awed, and just enchanted. There is a magic in being a mother that changes you as a person. I am a better person because of my daughters. I strive to be more than I could ever DREAM of being so that I can be the role model that they deserve. I want my girls to know that they can do anything... but I have to show them that too. I cannot just say it and expect that lesson to be learned. It is a strange dichotomy that I have so much to teach them... and yet I have so much to learn from them. My heart is so full sometimes that I am sure that it is going to shatter into a million pieces. It is so wonderful it hurts. I have to remember to let go and let that emotion ebb and flow and remember that no matter how much of that love I let go there is always more where that came from.

Not feeling terribly artful with my words today. So I thought that I would share some of the photos that I have taken of the girls this summer. As I was saying yesterday... I get a lot of pictures that are the back of the head or were taken just a tenth of a second too late. Kids move fast and my stupid camera has a hell of a delay... BUT there are times when I get something that really is nice. There was one day in particular at the end of July when I got quite a few of those moments all in one day. So I thought that I would share them with you. All pictures were taken on the same day... and these are the best of the best. Enjoy!

Needing to save a memory!

Dave and I were just going through some of the photos that I have taken. I have literally hundreds of thousands of photos of my ladies. Some are good. Some are phenomenal! some are crap. For every truly phenomenal photo that I get of my girls there are ten that are a picture of the back of the head or vastly out of focus, etc. Now with a good photo program I could fix some of that. But for right now I am working on timing and taking the truly amazing photos the first time without the finagling afterward. But I digress ... We came to a series of photos of Ashlynn that for all the world looked like the screw ups that I was just telling you all about. But the thing is that it wasn't that the photos were poorly taken or timed it is that they tell a story. Allow me to tell it:
I have a friend who is doing a study on music and the effect that sharing music actively with your baby and toddler. She is forever posting the coolest photos of the baby classes that she teaches on facebook. Ashlynn and I love to look through them together. She also shares youtube videos of opera and classical music and ballet. Ashlynn has come to have a healthy appreciation for all three, because MOMMY has a healthy appreciation for all three and I have played them for her. We watch those youtube videos together and we act them out or we hum and sing with the music. Taryn is already catching the tunes and can match pitch as she watches them with us. She soon will I am sure have the same appreciation that Ashlynn does and request that I play something she particularly like again just as Ashlynn does. At any rate a few weeks ago we were watching a video of ballet that particularly spoke to Ashlynn... and she put some of her foam letters around her hips like a tutu and she started pirouetting across the floor... or at least as near to it as a two year old can get. It was an amazing moment of discovery for her and connection for us both. So being the photo hound that I am I snapped a few photos of it. Here they are...As you can clearly see they would be considered rejects if you weren't to have heard the story. And perhaps ten years from now I will look at them and think the same thing. That is why I am posting this blog. I am hoping that I will save that memory. Maybe many years from now my little princess will read this and remember. Maybe she will read this and not be able to remember but will appreciate the story. Maybe all I am really doing is putting down the words with the hope that the story then will be indelibly marked on my own memory. Who knows. I just know that these rejects have a story and I want to remember it.

And I Could Not Ask For More.

If you know country music than you recognize the title to a wonderful Sara Evans song as my title. But is says a lot doesn't it. It says it all. In this world we are lucky to find someone who stands with you and loves you enough to keep your back. I have that. In this world you are lucky to see unconditional love in the eyes of someone you love.... I have that. I have the truest gifts that any one in this world could ever have. I don't have any more words... there are none that can convey it as eloquently as a few photos can.... so I will offer you this:

I have applied at a couple of different places for work. Working outside the home is NOT really something that I want to do... so I actually have applied a couple of places where I could work FROM home. I also have applied at the local grocery store... and I will be sending a resume in for our local Dept. of Human Services as they are looking for a case manager. The grocery store gig would be great because apparently employees get a discount on groceries.... Umm ROCK ON! The DHS gig would be nice because it would make us lots and lots of money. I am somewhat torn on the DHS job... I remember my stint as a DHS casemanager... I remember crying before work and being so wiped out after work that I felt like I didn't have anything left to offer at home. I remember when my weekend ended halfway through Sunday when I realized that I had to go to work tomorrow. I also remember though when I would jump out of bed excited because I could help someone that day. I remember the feeling of accomplishment that I would get when someone really meant it when they said " Thank you!" I remember the letters that I would receive from people who felt that I had made a difference in their lives.
The DHS job is however full time. Not really what I want and I wouldn't even consider it were it not for the fact that my husband lost HIS job early last week. He is applying left and right for jobs and is looking into truck driving school so that we can keep bread on the table, but it leaves us feeling just a little bit....well to be honest SCARED OUT OF OUR FREAKIN' MINDS. We have two little girls who we have to care for and two out of work parents is not okay. So I am applying for work too and we will see how things pan out. We both agree that we want our children to be home with a parent rather than with a daycare provider. It is a personal choice that is of great importance to us. We also know ( thanks to my previous placement with child care subsidy) that unless both parents are college educated and placed in a career that has a salary GREATER than 20,000.00 a year that one parent is simply working to pay for that parent working and child care. By that I mean that the second income usually gets eaten up by the average cost of childcare, and will afford a tank of gas... if the parent works full time. So what is the point. It makes most sense for me to be the one home because I am still nursing T... but when you are faced with this type of situation well you improvise.
SO we have agreed that SHOULD I get the DHS position that I will work there until Dave gets himself through school and then I would stay home... because Dave's goal is to go over the road if possible. Meanwhile I am praying that I get one of the at home jobs that I have applied for... because that would be PHENOMENAL. Still and all keep us in your prayers... because while I know that Spirit has a plan and we don't always get to see all the moves before the hand is played out ( yes I know that i mixed up the metaphores but you get what I am saying ) it is all a little scary.
So on to far more exciting and important things... my beautiful girls. Who are growing in LEAPS and BOUNDS. These kids just won't stop growing. T can walk now and tries her hand at running. She is so cute when she does it. Looks like a little chimpanzee when she walks. She sings the "B is for Bubble " song from Sesame Street all the time, and that kid has an ear for pitch... she is RIGHT on. She has learned some of the more polite phrases from her sister and now has added "Go Away" and "Mine" to her phrases and words. She communicates in other ways too... if she is hungry she climbs her highchair, if she is thirsty she walks around flicking her tongue on her upper lip, if she is mad she screams and throws her nuk across the room... yeah it caught us by surprise the first time too. She is a fist full of dynomite that one. She is also a little ray of sunshine with that little smile of hers. And her giggle is enough to bring people from the next room, it is contagious. Simply put she is one of the most incredible little people I have ever had the fortune to meet.
The other amazing little person would be A. She is my little flower. While T is sleeping she curls into my lap and we cuddle, just her and me. " Do kisses and hugs make you smile, Mommy?" She asks as she snuggles in. " Do hugs make you happy?" I don't think there is anything in the world the kid could do that could pop my bubble of happy. She is potty trained now and rarely has an accident... but she also has really taken to being naked and spends most of the day that way... Girl Nature tears her clothes off minutes after they have been put on her or seconds after we come in the door. Dave tries endlessly to get her to wear at least underpants... but she won't have anything to do with it. I think it is kind of funny though and don't really press the issue... she will grow out of it. She is also into every kind of art you can imagine. I have finger paints, water colors, markers, papers scissors and glue: you name it the kid wants to do it. A few weeks back we made playdoh with peanut butter that she could eat when she was done. She loved it so much she asked if we could do it the next day. Today we made a cake to " surprise" daddy with. It wasn't much of a surprise as he was in the house when we did it... but it was important to her that it be a surprise cake and so it was. Gingerbread, Daddy's favorite ( well that and spice, carrot, and poppyseed, and well you get the idea. )
I have so much fun with my girls! We have been avoiding the outside world like the plague lately. Both girls have severe allergic reactions to mosquito bites... and we have a mosquito FARM out there right now. With Ash being allergic to EVERYTHING in the world we have to be careful what we use to keep her bitefree.... and I am a little bit unsure of using anything too strong. Still we have been to the dr once for a bite in the last month and we don't need anymore. We literally run from the car to the house in the evening hours. My mother makes someone carry her back home ( because I have Taryn) so as to hopefully avoid them on her legs and she has to wear pants out. Taryn is no better. Hers are a different sort of reaction but just as bad. So we have been trying to come up with new and interesting options for inside play. It is good that thing1 is laid back and thing2 is too young to know better. I get asked several times a day to play outside, so I can't wait until the autumn months when the damn things aren't so thick. Not even to mention that the kids SHOULD be able to play outside in the dang summer!
Well I will wind this up. I know you have things to do... and it is 11 PM right now... I am througoughly tired right now. I made waffles and bacon for breakfast, baked chicken for lunch, and we had bar-b-qued pork ribs ( I made the bar-b-que YUMMY) with biscuits and corn for dinner... followed by Gingerbread cake. Not to mention I did several loads of laundry and did the dishes between each meal and the living room needs a bit of tidying before I can really call it a night. Not that I am bragging or anything... it just takes a lot of work to make a house run! So I will post a few pics with this and then I am going to clean up the living room so that I can wake up to a house that looks nice. Love to all. Hope you enjoy the photos.

August 19th - Day Of Hope

Break down the walls in society that see pregnancy, infant and childloss as

taboo subjects. These babies are not sad things that happened. They are

children. Much wanted and loved children. They are grandchildren,

brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews. August 19th - Day Of Hope

It is a strange thing being a parent of a child who has passed away. From the Day that Aislynn made her way into this world my life changed. First as a NICU mom who visited with my little girl and touched her and willed her to have the strength to fight the battles that I could not fight for her. Then as the mother who walked down the hallway half supported by my husband as we made our way to the last time we would hold her before the life support that was keeping her alive would be turned off. Then as the mother who sat in the front row of the service we had to recognize her short little life. Then as the mother who had to figure out how to rebuild my life. The same sad story repeated itself nearly exactly with Aidan. Only he was not as far along when he made his way into this world, and so we could not fight for his little life. Instead he was held by someone who loved him for every second of his short little life. Small solace but still it is some. Trying to figure out how to put my life back together was harder after Aidan, but still a necessity.
I was unprepared for life after that death. I was not aware that after the funeral I should stop talking about my babies. And yet that seemed to be the consensus from those around me, including my husband. Dave told me " It is a private thing. Not every one wants to hear about it." And so an unofficial gag order took effect. My doctor prescribed me antidepressants and referred me to a psychologist at my six week check up, after he came into the room and asked me in a jovial tone " And What can we do for you today?" The psychologist kept changing the subject when I would bring up my babies. " We want to look at how we can move FORWARD." she would say. I never went back.
My mother was the only person who I could talk to about my little ones, and every now and then my husband. Perhaps as a mother she understood my need to recognize and validate those little lives. She knew that I needed to hear their names, that I needed to say their names, that I needed to share what stories I could. Nearly everyone else would change the subject when babies came up. There was a look that I started to recognize, that sort of deer caught in a headlight look. And then they would either change the subject or they would find some way to politely excuse themselves and move on. Some people didn't even try to engage me in conversation. The people I am talking about were not people on the fringe of my life or relative strangers. The people I am talking about were cousins and aunts and uncles. While I didn't ( and still don't ) talk about my babies continually, I didn't want to completely avoid talking about them either.
I am a new and different person than I was before the miscarriage that started my chain of losses. My husband says that I have a tragic air around me that makes every thing fuzzy even when I am smiling and happy. He likens it to a gothic novel heroine. I have gone on to have beautiful wonderful children, but that does not erase my beautiful wonderful children that were born before. They are with me. I carry them in my heart and in my memory. I have been blessed to have them and I LOVE to share them. My oldest children didn't live long, but the shortness of their lives made them no less important. No less a part of their mommy. No less my babies, my children.
My mother wrote this poem for my Aunt Kathy when her twins passed away. It was read at both of childrens funerals and I think it is appropriate to add here:

Diamonds in the Sand
Nancy Ryall

When Father stretched his might hand
And made the Earth and Waters
He fashioned then his little ones
To be his sons and Daughters

And sometimes when a little soul
Is born upon this earth
Shining like a precious gem
From the moment of its birth

The Father in His joy and love
Stretches out his might hand,
And scoops His precious little gem
Like a diamond from the sand

And though it brings us tears of loss
And rends our hearts in sorrow
We know that they are in his arms
Where we will be tomorrow

For He who gave a special son
That we might understand
Has given us one quick chance
To hold a diamond in the sand.

A and T both have had terrible reactions to mosquito bites in the last week and we have eight GAZILLION mosquitos in our yard so we are hiding out in the house lately. That makes for some interesting days.... as girls who do not get to run and jump outside tend to get antsy. BUT we are managing. A has done all sorts of crafts lately... and for once I realized that she has become ready to move on to things that I wasn't prepared for. I usually am a step ahead and expecting her to be ready for something that she isn't.... this time she has shown me that she is ready for things I haven't really planned for. The other day she asked to use scissors. And as she had asked so nicely, and partly from sheer curiosity I let her. She did WONDERFULLY. She cut and diced up a flyer that I had no need for. SO I think that a trip to the store for some of those fun cut scissors and construction paper might be in order. She also wants to make more intricate crafts ( for instance a kite that is cut into the shape of a kite and it has to have a tail) So a glue stick may also have to be added to our list of things to get. She has a ton of fun with arts and crafts though and so it is something I like to offer a lot of for her. She has gotten more solid in the last few weeks. My willow-the-wisp toddler is becoming a child. It is really something to see it happening. She also has come out of her shell a ton. My shy girl now loudly introduces herself to anyone she notices in the store. She still is not a real fan of someone ELSE initiating contact... and will turn shy the moment that someone tries to talk to her.But she will call across the store to someone who has caught her interest. " Hi I'm ASHLYNN!" over and over until that someone notices that she is talking to them. I find my self EXTREMELY irritated if someone ignores her. I figure my child has chosen you to test her new social skills on... the least you can do is respond. She is still uncertain and it doesn't take much for her to feel bad. It happened the other day at her cousin R's house. R wanted to play with her neighbor girls who were older and A got left behind. It was her first experience of that and it hurt... but more so it hurt me. I wanted to wade in and MAKE those little girls play with my amazing child. But I can't do that. Instead I had to provide comfort after. It isn't a big surprise, it was bound to happen R is now 5 and A is still only 2.
What can we say about T bear... other than she is the sun that shines in the sky. A is my little flower and always will be... but T is my little sunshine. Different and individual and yet similar in so many ways. My T bear is walking now more than she is crawling. She walks like a little chimpanzee... it cracks everyone up. She starts our across the floor and then when she falls ( IF she falls ) she finishes the trip crawling. But she rarely falls anymore. She has learned the art of climbing too. That is terrifying sometimes. That gasp of breath that says mom is scared witless, is heard ALOT! " GASP DAVE get her!" , " GASP WHAT are you doing up there?", " GASP TARYN we DON'T climb bookshelves!" ... these are the kinds of things that are heard often around her. She is picking up words pretty quickly too. Today alone she learned bubble and Abby. She also waves bye bye and blows kisses and gives ya five. If you say dog she will bark bark bark. And she LOVES to put her head in the washer to bark so that she can hear the echo. She has cut two teeth just this week. Which brings her to a grand total of seven teeth. She is a go getter when she wants something.... but only if she can't get you to get it for her first. She will reach and wiggle her fingers to let you know she wants something and then progress to " DAT DAT DAT!" Followed by squeals and screams... and last and certainly in her opinion LEAST she will get it herself if she must. She has this little laughs that will make you giggle too!
We love our little bears. I have to admit that I sometimes have a little trouble writing about them both though. NOT because we have so little going on... but because there is a part of me that wants to stay away from comparing so much that I avoid writing all together. Taryn isn't progressing as fast in some areas as Ash did... in others she is progressing faster. That is the nature of children, they are all different. But I as their mommy love them so much I do not EVER want them to find this blog someday and say... " Mommy you think that such and such is better because... " Is that a little bit crazy of me? I suppose. But these are my babies and I NEVER want them to think that I EVER thought one was better than the other in anyway. I am working on it... just like I am working on trying to figure out my time a little better. I will eventually it will just take time. Meanwhile I am taking some amazing photos of my girls... I will post some right now. and If there just aren't enough of them here for you... check out my facebook page. It is FILLED with them ;)