I love every thing about being a mother. I love everything about being A's mother specifically. I love everything about being a wife, in particular D's Wife. But in the 19 weeks that I have been a mother and the 2 1/2 years that I have been a wife I have come to terms with something that I think every wife and mother does eventually: I have no time for ME! My mother nodded knowingly when I mentioned it and said " It doesn't get any better any time soon honey... but at least soon it becomes a part of you and is what makes you happy." In talking it over with my Granny she said " I have not ever been bored for a single second since my first child was born. As a matter of fact I have learned how to truly appreciate every single second of relaxation I have gotten." ... sigh... I guess I was looking for something a little more like " Oh it gets better you will have plenty of time for yourself when she is a little older."
I adore my daughter... She has the best smile that I have ever seen on a human being PERIOD. She laughs and squeals with excitement and makes me smile and laugh and thoroughly enjoy each and every second of my time with her. I can't say that I have moments to sit around and huff about how I don't have anything to do. As a matter of fact, I can't seem to get it all done. I have always prided myself on my organizational skills. I have always managed to fit it all in somehow. Multi-tasking was my middle name. But now it seems that I can't seem to balance all of the balls in the air anymore. If I manage to be the mommy that I need to be and the keep the house in order than I have zero time for myself and feel totally stressed with in a week. If I take some time for myself to read a few pages of a book or sit quietly and stare at a wall than something else falls apart. Either I am ignoring my child ( or I feel like I am) or my house is falling apart at the seems. I drop the ball somewhere no matter how hard I try. And I am a housewife. I would be a complete basket case if I had to work outside of the house too.
I long sometimes to go back... for just an hour or two.... to the days when I was single and carefree. Back to the days when I could spend all day knitting or reading and I didn't have to make excuses for it. I long to be able to take enough time in the shower to shave my legs again. I would love to have the free time to go and take a hot bath. Or how about this.... go into the bathroom with a book. Dave ambles in with a magazine and comes out 20 minutes later. I rush in with a prayer that she will be entertained and usually end up crooning " Its okay baby, Mommy's coming" at the top of my lungs as I am rushing out. I dream of having the body that I had when I was single. You know the size 5 and able to wear a bikini with pride. These days I dread the idea of anyone seeing me in an over sized tee-shirt and extra large sweatpants. And though I am back in my pre-pregnancy clothes and I am lighter than I was before I got pregnant you would have a hard time proving it.
So I am coming to terms with the new me. The me that has a husband and a baby. I am realizing that I may never be able to read a book in one sitting again or strike off at a whim to go for a hike. But like my fortune from dinner said last night " Your happiness is based on your outlook on life." So I am also ultra-aware of the fact that I can't make it an hour away from the two of them with out wondering what they are up to and worrying if she is missing me. being a wife and mom is exercise in opposites; it is a busy and heartwarming, exhilarating and stressful, and fulfilling and exhausting job.... that I have been so blessed to have been offered. So when I am at the end of my patience and missing myself of old.... I look at one of them. I see the light in my husbands eyes when he sees me, despite the baby changes. I see the impish little grin on my daughter's face and I know that I am so happy that I could burst, even while I am a little sad that what was a selfish and idyllic time of my life is over. I just wish sometimes that I had taken better advantage of it while I had the chance. But the rewarding gifts that my new life offer make up for every one of the sacrifices that I make. Its all in how you do the math.... counting your blessings or subtracting your losses. I always did like addition better.
I adore my daughter... She has the best smile that I have ever seen on a human being PERIOD. She laughs and squeals with excitement and makes me smile and laugh and thoroughly enjoy each and every second of my time with her. I can't say that I have moments to sit around and huff about how I don't have anything to do. As a matter of fact, I can't seem to get it all done. I have always prided myself on my organizational skills. I have always managed to fit it all in somehow. Multi-tasking was my middle name. But now it seems that I can't seem to balance all of the balls in the air anymore. If I manage to be the mommy that I need to be and the keep the house in order than I have zero time for myself and feel totally stressed with in a week. If I take some time for myself to read a few pages of a book or sit quietly and stare at a wall than something else falls apart. Either I am ignoring my child ( or I feel like I am) or my house is falling apart at the seems. I drop the ball somewhere no matter how hard I try. And I am a housewife. I would be a complete basket case if I had to work outside of the house too.
I long sometimes to go back... for just an hour or two.... to the days when I was single and carefree. Back to the days when I could spend all day knitting or reading and I didn't have to make excuses for it. I long to be able to take enough time in the shower to shave my legs again. I would love to have the free time to go and take a hot bath. Or how about this.... go into the bathroom with a book. Dave ambles in with a magazine and comes out 20 minutes later. I rush in with a prayer that she will be entertained and usually end up crooning " Its okay baby, Mommy's coming" at the top of my lungs as I am rushing out. I dream of having the body that I had when I was single. You know the size 5 and able to wear a bikini with pride. These days I dread the idea of anyone seeing me in an over sized tee-shirt and extra large sweatpants. And though I am back in my pre-pregnancy clothes and I am lighter than I was before I got pregnant you would have a hard time proving it.
So I am coming to terms with the new me. The me that has a husband and a baby. I am realizing that I may never be able to read a book in one sitting again or strike off at a whim to go for a hike. But like my fortune from dinner said last night " Your happiness is based on your outlook on life." So I am also ultra-aware of the fact that I can't make it an hour away from the two of them with out wondering what they are up to and worrying if she is missing me. being a wife and mom is exercise in opposites; it is a busy and heartwarming, exhilarating and stressful, and fulfilling and exhausting job.... that I have been so blessed to have been offered. So when I am at the end of my patience and missing myself of old.... I look at one of them. I see the light in my husbands eyes when he sees me, despite the baby changes. I see the impish little grin on my daughter's face and I know that I am so happy that I could burst, even while I am a little sad that what was a selfish and idyllic time of my life is over. I just wish sometimes that I had taken better advantage of it while I had the chance. But the rewarding gifts that my new life offer make up for every one of the sacrifices that I make. Its all in how you do the math.... counting your blessings or subtracting your losses. I always did like addition better.
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