I am starting to sort through Ashlynn's clothes. Culling out the stuff that is too small and adding in the new things that we had not gotten to yet. She is no longer a member of the 0-3 month crowd. There are a few outfits that are 3 month that she fits into. We are now headed into the 3-6 month crowd. As I pull out the outfits that she has worn for the last 13 weeks that no longer fit her... there is a pull on my heart that feels almost melancholy. In the relatively few weeks that we have had Ashlynn a whole trunkful of memories have been made. These outfits have been the attire that the memories wear. Granted as I pull out the 3-6 months I am excited by the new clothes that she can wear... but still I look back at the teeny little tops and the petite little pants and my heart sighs.
I love watching my little girl grow. I revel in knowing that she has gained weight again. ( we went to the doc for her face on Sat 14 lbs flat! Yay!) I adore holding her up and mentioning how big she has gotten... it is a badge of honor almost. "Yes yes she gained another pound this month." "Oh yes my breast milk certainly does seem to be doing the trick." It is exciting to see the new changes that occur every single day. I am in heaven! But then I look at a little top from when she came home and compare it to her. Like Zoinks Scooby, where did my newborn go. I sort of miss the early days when she fit perfectly in my neck and would sleep there for hours. I cherish every smile and hold every laugh dear, I try to live in the minute.... I even sometimes wish that we could fast forward to when she can tell me where it hurts. What I never expected was to wish that I could go back a few weeks.
Now I remember enough about the early weeks to not want all of it back. I would love to have my cuddly little handful back for an hour or so with out the 5 a day poops ( ain't it grand when that slows down!) or the pitfalls of beginning nursing, or the three hour nights of sleep. I have made it through these things and am glad that they are behind me. I was not so sleep deprived in the first weeks that I have idealised it all. Oh yes I remember clearly the first couple of weeks and the certainty that I NEVER WANTED TO DO THIS AGAIN while going through it! I love my daughter, but I have had my moments, just like everyone else, where I've been positive that she would be an only child. Truly who wants to go through it all again. But there is something about how your own newborn cuddles into JUST you that will cannot be compared to anything else in the world.
I have always said that I didn't want a newborn... take me straight to toddlerhood. I have held other's babies and handed them back with out a hitch thinking "Yep its a baby! Don't really want to go through that stage myself. To bad ya gotta to have a kid." Those others would tell me... its different when it is your own you'll see. And I would chuckle at their certainty when I knew me so much better. Then I had my own. I had this 8 lb bundle of heaven that I could barely put down. I could hold her for hours and never get tired of it. I loved her tiny little newborn sounds. I held my breath when she would have the newborn breathing hitches. I gazed adoringly at her teeny newborn hands and feet and could do so happily for hours on end. I fell so in love that I could barely contain it with in my own heart. So here I am three months later, still awed by my child and more in love than ever, looking back and sighing with just a hint of regret that it is all over.
Yes, yes I can hear the chuckles now of the people who have children much much older than mine. I can only imagine that those moments will follow me the rest of my life. As she reaches toddler-hood I will long for the infant days when she learns the word "No" As she rides a bike I will sigh about the day that she first learned to walk. And lets not even look to the day she asks me for the car keys. All things to look forward to... all things to remember with a hint of bittersweet when they are but a memory.
So as I cull out the old clothes and look at the new clothes I know that I will have many many days like this one. I know that I will have more memories than I can count to store in my bank. I also know that I have to enjoy every single millisecond with my daughter. I have to live in the moment and do it well so that I have a treasure trove of memories worth holding on to. So when she grins at me with out her two front teeth I can remember when they first came in and maybe share that memory with her. And won't the sharing of those memories make them all the more poignant
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