combinations of words I don't want to hear.

This morning when I called Dave into the bathroom to investigate the mystery water that was all over the floor I did not want to hear.... " I'm a little scared baby!" Followed by " I think that our septic might be backing up. I looked at the enormous puddle and my heart fell.... I went into the kitchen and saw the dishes that still had to be washed from the Spinach and Lentil soup that I made and it bottomed out. ( by the way the soup was INCREDIBLE... really easy and with 20 grams of fiber in a serving just what my husband's cholesterol needs!!!) But hey we roll with it all right we roll with it. So I just shook my head and wondered how it is that everything that CAN go wrong right now seems like it is.... you know that Murphy is a real jerk sometimes.
But off I toddled to the docs for a routine visit. Told her once again that I have been having bouts of contractions that are a little concerning and once again was told that we would see what the NST strip said. So off then I went to ultrasound where I found out that our "little" one is already .... wait for it.... you ready for this..... yeah brace yourselves..... 5 lbs and 8 ounces. Now I talked to both the doc and the ultrasound tech about this thing I had heard about how you take the growth at 32 weeks ( where I am now) and you double it and that is what your baby will weigh ( roughly.) Both agreed that is about right. I had to gasp... because that means that if we do that out baby will be 11 pounds if born on time. Ummm Thank God for C-sections. The doc said " this is a fairly good sized baby" and then said " growth for this one is 75th percentile. I would stop buying newborn sized clothes if you are." .... Oh dear! Take a deep breath. ( for the record I checked and Ash was 4 lbs 3 ounces at 32 weeks. She was 8 lbs when delivered a week early... so the odds are that she would have been one of those babies that makes that 1/2 the weight at 32 weeks rule sound about right. This one is obviously going to be bigger than her.) But we went over my HA1C and there is no way that it can really get lower... which means my blood sugars are really well controlled... which means that this child is not big because I am doing anything wrong. Which is something that as a mommy who is diabetic.... is really really easy to feel. I struggle with that all the time. Every one keeps assuring me that I am doing just what I should be. So I guess there isn't much to be done about her size... I just wish that it were more comfortable. I AM HUGE. And I am running out of clothes that fit... but I am so close to term I refuse to go shopping.
So then I went into my NST where the baby did fine. But ummm I failed. For the entire test I was contracting every 3 to 4 minutes. I TOLD THEM I WAS HAVING CONTRACTIONS!!!! But this time the machine actually caught them... because we must have been there at the right time. So I was given a Procardia and was kept on the monitor FOREVER. until the contractions had been knocked out of the park. I am now on a dose of Procardia every six hours ( yes I have to wake up to take it! I know I asked) and I am on fairly strict orders that I am to "Take it easy" I kind of joked that I didn't know what that meant as the mother of a toddler... and I was told in no uncertain terms that I needed to find out what it meant! So I am the stay at home mom of a toddler who I am not supposed to lift and somehow I am supposed to stay on the couch with my feet up. And there is at least 7 weeks left of this pregnancy. I also have to quit nursing my daughter.... as breastfeeding produces Oxytocin which in turn produces you guessed it contractions.
Tonight I put my daughter down for the first time.... denying her the breast. She doesn't nurse long anyways usually just a few seconds and then she loses interest. But She cried and cried and then I cried and cried. I kept telling her mommy loves her so much and tried to calm her but she wanted to nurse. And as my husband is not home for bedtime.... I could not have him put her down while I sat out in the living room and cried. My heart keeps saying she doesn't nurse long enough to really cause a problem.... my head says that we have gotten so far that I can't take a chance. The guilt that I feel is crushing. I had vowed that I would nurse my daughter until she weaned herself... barring a situation where she still was nursing at 6. But here I am turning her down from the comfort that she holds dear. I know how connected she feels to nursing. She talks about it when we aren't nursing. She knows the word breast and will pet my breasts when sitting in my lap. And I a mother who would do anything in the world for my little girl am turning her away. AT 18 MONTHS. She is still so little.... she still can get so much from the breastfeeding... whether it be physical or emotional and I am denying her from it. I feel like the world's worst mommy in the world. I am heartbroken.
The problem is that I feel so resentful of the contractions and while I don't blame the child I carry I am so angry. Why should I have to choose between the well being of my children. Why is my stupid body so unwilling to work with me on pregnancy. Why why why. I have been let down so many times by this body... and I am so sick and tired of that. So here I sit crying as I write this feeling sorry for myself... and still hating my body. Ash is asleep now... but it took 45 minutes longer than it usually does... and all I want in the world to do is go in and wake her up and nurse her... as some stupid childish response to my body letting me down again. I want to say "See! I CAN do what I want!" But how awful would it be to end up with this pregnancy ending early. YES Ainne has gotten far enough along 85-90% of babies born at this gestation survive. But how do you take that chance? I promised myself I would give nursing through pregnancy and tandem nursing the best try that I could.... and I have... every fiber of my being wants to continue... but if the baby is born early and has to be in the NICU for even a second I do not want it to be because of something that I could avoid. And yet I feel like I have made a choice that puts Ash in second place and it is tearing my heart up. SHE isn't ready for it yet... not just me. And sudden weaning is so unhealthy for the child. But this is the promise that I made... and I have to start thinking about the child I carry also... because before we all know it she will be here. And while I know that all of the ugly feelings that I am having are due to the hormones that are going CRAZY in my body right now.... I am still miserable.